"Survivor": The wrath of Rob

In its sixth season, "Survivor" travels down the Amazon and finally finds a villain worthy to fill the shoes of flabby nudist tyrant Richard Hatch.

By Heather Havrilesky

May 10, 2003 | In Werner Herzog's classic art film, "Aguirre: The Wrath of God," Klaus Kinski plays a pugnacious Spanish conquistador, Don Lope de Aguirre, who, in 1561, overthrew the leader of an expedition delving the depths of the Amazon jungle in search of El Dorado, the mythical city of gold. With Aguirre in control, the group becomes fractured and paranoid, and they end up drifting helplessly down the Amazon River on a makeshift raft. As they're picked off one by one by murder, sickness and the poison arrows of Indians on the shore, Aguirre becomes increasingly enraged and delusional, driven by dreams of wealth and power. In the last unforgettable scene, Kinski roams the perimeter of his corpse-littered raft and grabs a squealing monkey to confide his glassy-eyed plans to conquer the world with his daughter, who is already dead. "Together, we shall rule the entire continent. We'll endure. I am the wrath of God. Who else is with me?"

When CBS announced that the sixth season of "Survivor" would be set in the Amazon, the image of a wild-eyed Kinski, scheming until the bitter end, leapt to mind. But would "Survivor: The Amazon" mirror such a descent into madness and depravity? A girl can dream, can't she?

Judging from the last four seasons of "Survivor," my dreams were as delusional as the conquistador's relentless quest for El Dorado. Disturbingly dull contestants and unshakable alliances led to one disappointing season after another, with winners as painfully unworthy as Vecepia the Intolerable, who seemed to win by accident, and Brian the Sleazy, who won by surrounding himself with cretins even more dimwitted and distasteful than he was. While one can hardly fault Tina for riding to victory on Colby's toothy cowboy charms, she wasn't exactly deserving of the big prize. Even when the deserving and likable Ethan won, it was sort of a drag that he still had next to nothing to say. After Rosie O'Donnell simultaneously demeaned herself and "Survivor" loyalists everywhere by squealing and grunting her way through her hosting duties, culminating in a dorky singalong that lent the fourth season's finale all the sophistication of an episode of "Captain Kangaroo," many of us were ready to write off "Survivor" entirely.

The start of this season certainly didn't look promising. The leaden "girls vs. boys" theme, paired with the traumatic memories of a mind-bendingly dull fifth season, seemed destined to bury the franchise completely.

And then there was Rob.

Rob Cesternino has single-handedly saved "Survivor" and made all of my dreams of Aguirre-style manipulation, power struggles and delusions of grandeur come true. "But is there paranoia and hand-wringing?" you're wondering. "Is there relentless scheming and ruthless one-upmanship? Are there unpredictable, ever shifting alliances and petty grievances and enraged, spitty outbursts?" You have to stop yourself from smiling now. "I know it's too much to ask, but ... are there tearful recriminations?"

The answer is yes. All this and more are yours, thanks to one man: Rob. Rob, who has persuaded most of the players into backing him at one time or another. Rob, who, according to the official "Survivor" Web site, "wrote his college senior thesis on 'The Impact of Reality Television' and received an A." Thanks to Rob, the spirit of "Survivor," which was crafted by the meaty hands of that smug, scheming, fish-spearing sneak, Richard Hatch, lives on!

But if you don't believe me, take it from Deena, a player whom Rob ultimately crossed. In a chat on the CBS site, she stated, "I wasn't shocked at anything Rob said or did. He is playing this game the way that it should be played: two-faced and ready to change teams at any time. I like him a lot."

She may be the only one. Rob has drawn everyone in, confiding in each of them with his "Who me?" chumpy demeanor, while providing a scathing play-by-play for the camera, along with countless observations, snide comments and harsh jokes. So far, Rob has manipulated even his worst enemy Matthew into doing his bidding, and like a true leader, he's delegated Matthew to prompt clueless Butch into voting with them. Best of all, he created an alliance with the popular kids and then summarily dumped their chosen son, which enraged the long-legged duo, Jenna and Heidi. The two had it coming, of course. After being sickeningly coy and arrogant and lazy for weeks, they had the audacity to play the role of shocked, deeply offended victims the second their little Self-Love Boat sank.

Jenna: "I felt betrayed more than I've ever felt in my life. Rob screwed the alliance. He betrayed me and Heidi, he betrayed Alex."

Heidi: "I didn't think that people would sacrifice personal relationships with a gamble."

There's nothing quite like the sanctimony of hot chicks who whip their tops off for attention and chocolate, lie around the camp without lending a hand, rarely bother even to glance at deaf girl Christy, then whine with impunity when the shit hits the fan.

Heidi (through tears): "I've never felt so manipulated, cheated and hurt, all at the same time, in my entire life!"

Jenna: "He's a snake. Everybody's gonna know that, and it's embarrassing, I would be embarrassed to know him, because he's such a slimeball. I have morals, I have ethics, he has none, and that's why I don't want to go along with his crappy plan."

Rob: "Now, with the two girls, it's kinda like I'm hanging out with two ex-girlfriends at the same time that both hate me."

Next page: Christy: "Those freaking evil stepsisters are not gonna win the million dollars!"