We feel the urge to take a shower, but we have to stay tuned for the seriousness. The Moptop and the Orgasmatron are in bed in the dark as others slumber. There is rustling and stroking and snuggling and almost a kiss -- and then Brittany gets up.

"I want to talk to you," she announces to a shocked and disbelieving nation. "Let's go outside."

You can almost hear the piteous wails rising from Endemol productions. Actual filmable hamster sex seemed at hand, and here's that Brittany screwing things up gain.

They sit on the ground on the patio. Josh remains calm. His teeth are ground to powder, but he's calm.

"OK, clearly I want to kiss you, that's obvious from the fact that we almost just kissed?" Brittany begins in Minneapolitese, clearly on to something lengthy. "That means ..." Pause. Josh taps his foot.

"This is the thing, I was thinking aboat it. It's like, OK ..."

Tap, tap, tap.

"I really want to kiss you really bad? And I want all that stuff, you knoo?" Tap, tap. "But I don't want it to be because you've been stuck in a house and haven't gotten any in two months."

We know what Josh is thinking. He's thinking it's just like that Meat Loaf song where the couple's making out in the car and are about to have sex and the woman yells, "Stop right there!"

This is not a happy thought. We fear/hope Josh's head will explode right then and there, but Mr. Torso manages -- perhaps by visualizing himself in a similar situation with someone he actually finds attractive -- to stay calm and feign "coolness with it."

Visualizing. Visualizing. Visualizing.

Brittany, meanwhile, seems to think they'd be having this conversation if Josh weren't just now being held captive by his dreams of millionairedom. And the fact that memories of Jordan are now fading. Denial is truly a soft, pillowy thing.

"And, like, I want to feel that I'm special. Like, if I made out with anyone I'd want them to feel like they were really lucky to be with me ... I don't wanna be with someone that's just like ... "

Isn't being the first American girl to get laid -- much less lose her virginity -- virtually live on national TV special enough?

Mercifully, before Brittany can perpetrate any more crimes against meaningless recreational sex and trigger a spate of painful flashbacks in frat boys everywhere, Josh interrupts.

"Uh, let me tell you how I feel. The reason I don't want to kiss you is because is because I like you so much."

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