Monday, Oct. 8, 2001
Dear Diary:
Now, as a workplace drama, "Alias" is much funnier than "Scrubs." "Alias" stars a comically stern turbo-tart named Sydney (Jennifer Garner), who toils as a double agent for the CIA.
This is her new job. Her old job was working as a spy for SD-6, a covert branch of what she was told was the CIA, but turned out to be the very enemy she was fighting.
And all this before graduating from college! It's the kind of life experience TV writers could use. Anyway, Sydney thought she was working for the good guys, until she leaked the news about SD-6 to her fiancé, Danny, and got him killed. (Oops.) This is an unfortunate introduction to her character, it can be argued. It's like those "Fugitive"/"U.S. Marshalls" movies Tommy Lee Jones keeps making. I mean, isn't he always chasing the wrong guy? Syd can pout and frown as much as she wants to, but that maneuver pretty much brands her a bonehead.
This episode starts with a montage of scenes from last week's episode, which lets you know right away that this show is impossible to follow. She thought she was a spy working for the CIA. Then she learned she wasn't. Then she learned that her own father, a CIA agent himself (Dad, what are you doing here?), knew about her fiancé's murder before it happened. Syd coquettishly slaps her father across the face and stalks out of the room. He looks stoical but a little turned on.
It's creepy, but this is what happens when people start getting into double-agenting. Everything gets a little twisted and confused.
"Alias" features a lot of action sequences of Sydney running, leaping and shooting a variety of foreign men while wearing sexy costumes and wigs and shouting things in any number of languages. It is pointless to try to make sense of them, and they should be viewed as welcome respites from Sydney chewing out her various male co-workers. After having spent the morning being chased into an elevator and shot at, anyone might be forgiven for being tense, but Sydney is a know-it-all. Worse, she has a flashback sequence (not again!) for every anecdote; we are but prisoners to her version of the story.
As she angrily is debriefed by her case manager, Vaughn, back at the agency, she explains that the last action sequence we saw was three years ago. The man who wanted her dead was Leonard Dreyfus, bankroller of SD-6 operations. He has crews everywhere, she says, including Memphis.
Memphis? Tennesee?
Egypt.
Welcome to Egypt, where Sydney sits across the table while two Egyptian arms dealers squabble over a defective weapon. The argument ends when one of them shoots the other. Sydney shouts something in Arabic. "That was six months ago," Sydney tells Vaughn.
Who can compete with Sydney's travel-and-mayhem schedule? Six minutes in, I am world-weary and exhausted. Before the show is up, Sydney will have traveled to Moscow and Cairo to personally kick foreign ass and exhume a nuclear warhead from the grave of an arms dealer who (surprise!) is not dead.
"Alias" was created by J.J. Abrams, the man responsible for "Felicity," as obvious atonement for his previous efforts. Sydney is the opposite of that simpering nerve-instrument that is our morose curly-haired college student. Although it sure is thrilling to watch Syd, modishly dressed in a chador, cradling the bomb's plutonium core in her hand while somebody holds a gun to her head, we already know what will happen.
Next week, she will exotically beat some other foreign national into paste before hopping onto a plane to China or Pakistan or somewhere. Meanwhile, for all her martial prowess, Sydney is just a barking set of cheekbones. Sydney could spend a little less time in Capoeira class if she took a tip from "Felicity" and learned to disarm hostile forces with her big doe eyes.
About the writer
Carina Chocano is a senior writer for Salon People.
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