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Chapter Three: The Shows from Atlantis Most of the bottom feeders aren't as bad as they are weird. They're the eyeless fish and tube worms of the programming deep. Take WB's "Alright Already," (second from the bottom with a 1.4 rating for the week of Jan. 19-25). "Alright Already" is a genuine oddity. Not only is it about an optometrist (now, how many shows can claim that premise?), it's the "Seinfeld" spinoff nobody knows about. The show was created by and stars Carol Leifer, a stand-up comic pal of Jerry Seinfeld, who was a writer and producer on "Seinfeld" and is the widely acknowledged inspiration for the character of Elaine. On "Alright Already," Leifer is nicer than Elaine, but her delivery is still sarcastic with a smile. Actually, Leifer's character, Carol Lerner, is more like the she-Jerry: She's Jewish and single, not much of a swinger (even though she lives in Miami's trendy South Beach) and she has snoopy, retired parents who live in a condo complex and feud with their neighbors. The show's focus on the absurdity of the mundane is "Seinfeld"-ian, too. In one episode, Carol tries to fool a smart boyfriend by watching a satellite broadcast of "Jeopardy!," memorizing the answers and then showing off later when the same episode is broadcast locally, but then of course, the lie backfires. In another, she has a new boyfriend, a hockey player, who is ruining her wardrobe by tearing off her Armani and DKNY blouses in the heat of passion ("No woman should have to choose between sex and clothes!" she cries in exasperation). The problem with the show is that Carol's sidekicks (two siblings and a prettier, sexier friend) are not funny. And Leifer's character is a little too boring (an optometrist?) to hold the show on her own. On the bright side, compared to all the zero budget, juvenile sitcoms on WB, "Alright Already" is "Seinfeld." Then there's the family drama "7th Heaven," the third-highest-rated show on WB after "Buffy" and "Dawson's Creek" (91st for Jan. 19-25). A cross between "The Brady Bunch" and "Eight is Enough," "7th Heaven" stars Stephen Collins as minister Eric Camden and Catherine Hicks as his slightly hipper wife, Annie. They have five kids who range in ages from 6 to 17 and one little dog named Happy. They live in a rambling white house with a kitchen island bigger than Gilligan's Island. The oldest kid, Matt (Barry Watson), a high school senior, skulks around butting into his siblings' business and making believe he's a rebel. The next oldest, Mary (Jessica Biel), is a stuck-up basketball star and all-around Miss Perfect: Think Marcia Brady. Middle child Lucy (Beverley Mitchell) is Jan to Mary's Marcia (she also looks eerily like Tracey Ullman playing a 14 year old). The two youngest, Simon (David Gallagher) and Ruthie (Mackenzie Rosman), are insufferably precocious TV kids. There's no live-in housekeeper, although Peter Graves, as Eric's retired colonel dad, did put on an apron a couple of weeks ago to help with the housework. "7th Heaven" is produced by Aaron Spelling, possibly as penance for everything else he's ever produced. The show's creator, Brenda Hampton, has lovingly referred to the Camdens as "the seven whitest people in America," and that pretty much says it all. I had avoided this show for weeks and the first episode I saw, where Preacher Camden ran around threatening to drug test his own children unless he found out who brought the marijuana cigarette into the house seemed like the unintentionally hilarious retro-reactionary show I thought it would be. But then I watched it the next week. And the next. And now I'm hooked on the Camdens and their fascinating blandness. "7th Heaven" is like the TV equivalent of the deep-sea-dwelling giant squid -- it grabs hold of you and squeezes out all your better judgment. "7th Heaven" taps into your inner-TV-child, conjuring up the exact feelings you used to get watching "The Brady Bunch" and all those shows about big, bustling suburban families with their assigned chores and their family meetings and their dorky-yet-wise parents and their problems that were never insurmountable because love and patience could cure all ills. You used to wonder where you could find a family like that. Watching "7th Heaven" as a parent, you're still wondering. But I know what you're thinking -- enough with the oddities, show me the stinkers. Which brings us to ... Chapter Four: Thar She Blows! What is the worst show on television? Once, I might have brashly answered "Ally McBeal." But I learned a lot on this journey. I learned that true awfulness is not always a subjective thing. Sometimes, you can quantify it. Sometimes, there's a one-to-one relationship between bad TV and low ratings. Take WB's "Unhappily Ever After" (tied for fourth from last for the week of Jan. 19-25), a prime example of bottom-feeding crassness. "Unhappily Ever After" is "Married ... With Children," except worse (Ron Leavitt co-created both shows). The miserable breadwinner of this show, Jack Malloy (Geoff Pierson), is even lazier, meaner, more racist and hornier than Al Bundy, and where Al hated both of his kids equally, Jack openly favors his bodacious-yet-virginal daughter Tiffany over his two doofus sons. (And over his wife.) In the subtlety that is this show's hallmark, Tiffany (Nikki Cox) is always spilling out of whatever sprayed-on dress she's not wearing. Actually, Cox -- or rather, her cleavage -- is the real star of the show; the studio audience (possibly entirely male) erupts into some sort of lovelorn moose call whenever she makes an entrance, usually followed by Jack with binoculars, zealously guarding his little girl's innocence. Oh, yeah -- I almost forgot Mr. Floppy. Jack's Id is represented by a ratty, cigarette-smoking bunny puppet named Mr. Floppy (the voice of Bobcat Goldthwait), who urges him to follow through with his various schemes. "Unhappily Ever After" is very, very bad. Yet, almost two million households watch it every week. Are state prisons considered Nielsen households? Amazingly, though, there is something down there that's even more unspeakable than "Unhappily Ever After," something called "The Tom Show" (dead last with an all-time low rating of 0.9 in the Jan. 19-25 Nielsens -- but then, it was on opposite the Super Bowl). This is the worst show on TV. The ever-creepy Tom Arnold plays a divorced dad who gets sole custody of two young daughters when his TV star wife walks out on the family. Tom moves the girls to his Midwestern hometown, gets a job producing a local TV show (starring Ed McMahon) and hits on anything in a skirt. What makes "The Tom Show" so bad isn't its cheesy production or charmless star (though they help), it's the show's deep cynicism. When Tom isn't chasing tail and making lewd and/or disparaging jokes about women, he's being a single dad to his girls in pseudo-heartwarming scenes where he teaches them lessons like Be Yourself and Stand Up for What You Believe In. "The Tom Show" is like some horrible genetic experiment where they mated "Full House" with "Men Behaving Badly." The show is rated G, which, last time I checked meant "suitable for all ages." One episode I caught had Tom trying to get a sexy divorcee from the "P.T & A." into the sack with a bottle of cherry schnappes. Then he went on a duck hunting trip with a bloodthirsty Ed McMahon ("Nothing brings friends together like shotguns and liquor"). What a bizarre (if tiny) audience this show must attract: little girls and (shudder) Tom Arnold fans. The horror, the horror ... The Tom Show (7:30 p.m. Sundays, WB) Have you found any sunken treasures in TV's abyss? Spread the word in Table Talk. |
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