A L S O_.T O D A Y Blue Glow Norm Macdonald: Ready for prime time?; "It's like ..." premieres Search and ye shall find -- personal health, family wealth and bibliophilic happiness at barnesandnoble.com Search by:  Keyword Title Author   RECENTLY IN ENTERTAINMENT It's not the meat, it's the motion By David Bowman Thanks to eight Rykodisc re-releases, this spring is Meat Puppets season (03/23/99) Sharps & Flats Reviews of new albums by TLC, Ben Lee, Dusty Springfield, Hugues Cuénod (03/23/99) And the frumps are ... By Camille Paglia The 71st Academy Awards are a parade of pomaded pretty boys and washed-out drag queens from lame movies. Where is the glamour? (03/22/99) Not abhorrent! By Cintra Wilson Just when you're ready to give up on awards shows altogether, the Oscars turn out to be halfway entertaining (03/22/99) And the Oscar goes to... A complete list of 71st Academy Award Winners (03/22/99) BROWSE THE SARAH VOWELL ARCHIVES

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT | PAGE 1, 2 - - - - - - - - - - Traitors: Specifically, those caught selling nuclear secrets to China will be placed in solitary confinement with "Little Buddha," that bomb where the Buddha was played by Keanu Reeves, and await execution by MSG poisoning. Drug pushers: Once these freelance capitalists are convicted of selling opium to the masses, they'll be issued a radio whose dial is jammed in place at evangelical stations with call letters like WGOD. Repeat offenders, and those caught selling to children, will be issued a Walkman, along with tapes from Bob Dylan's Christian period, especially "Slow Train Coming." Guards will periodically lift the headphones and scream into their ears, "How does it feeeeeeeeeeeeeel?" Litterbugs: For their disregard for public beauty, these lazy pariahs will be taken to the Milwaukee Museum of Art, home of the Ugliest Painting Ever Made -- an Alex Katz portrait of '70s-era modern dancers wearing red pants. They will be dressed in replicas of the red pants (men will be issued wigs with ponytails) and made to re-create the pretentious hokeypokey on the canvas. Public nudity, drunk and disorderly conduct, disturbing the peace: Loudmouths who can't keep their shirts on will be assigned to read the collected works of Elizabeth Wurtzel. Stomaching the self-revelations of the author of "Prozac Nation" and "Bitch" -- especially the part in the former in which she's shamelessly making out with the guy from Butthole Surfers -- will likely inspire even the most obnoxious perps to revere the virtues of modesty, reserve and the keeping of secrets. Judges who find the Wurtzel sentence too harsh will remand peace disturbers to Burbank for a live taping of "The Nanny." Plagiarists will come to understand that their thievery isn't just wrong but creepy by spending a weekend watching the E! network's "Talk Soup," in which the squirmy host channels the already squirmy Jim Carrey; the oeuvre of Christian Slater; the Milli Vanilli episode of VH1's "Behind the Music"; and "Single White Female." This punishment will take place, of course, in the country that also can't come up with original material, i.e., Canada. Muggers will be assigned to hold the hat for street singers, who will perform from an official repertoire, including "Margaritaville," "Mr. Tambourine Man" (in which the mugger will be made, at knifepoint if necessary, to play backbeats on guess which auxiliary percussion instrument), "Yellow Submarine," "Send in the Clowns" (a cappella) and the theme from "Rocky" (harmonica solo). George Stephanopoulos: This rat, whose fame (and sales for his new snitchography, "All Too Human") depends on selling out his former friends, should be locked into a screening room to take a good long look at "High Noon" -- frame by frame. Technically, this is a great film, but the point of it is to make you feel bad. It is just about the most depressing movie ever made in the facial expressions category, the way it follows Gary Cooper's sighing eyes as his entire town abandons him to fend off the bad guys alone. SALON | March 24, 1999 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Become a Salon member. Click here.