10:47 p.m.: Eminem and Elton John finally appear to perform "Stan." Eminem, who rapped on his album about not giving "a damn about the Grammys," has apparently had a change of heart. His album has slipped out of the top 50 and he's barely in MTV's rotation; a prime-time TV appearance will certainly produce a boost. The rapper throws out a few obscenities to tease the censors and look tough for his fans. As for John, who released two flop albums last year, he sings the chorus; like Jill Scott, he agreeably vocalizes what on the record was a sample of a song called "Thank You" by a singer named Dido.

Three years ago John sang Psalm 23 at the funeral of Gianni Versace. Wonder what Sir Elton would have done if he'd been asked to sing a duet with Eminem on "Criminal," complete with this lyric:

Starin' at my jeans, watchin' my genitals bulgin' (Ooh!)
That's my motherfuckin' balls, you'd better let go of 'em
They belong in my scrotum, you'll never get hold of 'em
Hey, it's me, Versace
Whoops, somebody shot me!
And I was just checkin' the mail
Get it? Checkin' the "male"?

11 p.m.: You didn't think Eminem was actually going to win the record of the year Grammy, did you? After all the buildup, Steely Dan take the statuette, completely confusing the viewing audience, most of whom don't know that Grammys are awarded by an extremely conservative group of aging record makers. Nobody under 40 in America owns a copy of the Steely Dan record -- but that's just the point.

The big winners, then, were a couple of old-time rock bands, one from the '70s (Steely Dan), the other from the '80s (U2), who together collected a total of seven awards. In the context of the Grammys, this was positively modern. Last year, the organization gave a total of nine awards to an album by Carlos Santana, whose heyday was in the '60s.

In other words, the wildly hyped telecast turned out to be surprisingly sedate. When Steely Dan won the final award, you could hear the air going out of the Staples Center. In the end, though, the show and Eminem each got something out of the deal. The NARAS got juice for its broadcast without actually having to give up an important award to a psycho, and Eminem got a prime-time TV spot and a minor Grammy he can brag about. But it was all par for the course for the Grammys.

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