The truth is, "Woman on Top," with its winkly-twinkly touches of magic realism and its travel-brochure tropical sensuality, isn't about anything as messy as sexuality. The picture's saucy title, its advertising logo (a pair of plush red lips formed by two red peppers curling toward each other), its gorgeous star, Penélope Cruz -- they're all designed to make you think "hot" before you even step into the theater. But instead of hot, you get barely lukewarm -- a tepid and oily "Calgon, take me away!" bath that seems to be aimed at women who don't get out very much.

Isabella (Cruz) is a Brazilian lovely who sure can cook: She runs a restaurant with her dashing husband, Toninho (Murilo Benício), although she does most of the work while he socializes with the customers. Because Isabella and Toninho go home to make mad passionate love every night, it's all OK -- until Isabella catches him with another woman.

She packs up and leaves, heading for the United States (San Francisco, to be exact). There she hooks up with her outrageous transvestite friend (every girl's gotta have one) and enlists the aid of the sea goddess Yemanja (I warned you about the magic realism) to overcome her heartbreak. And overcome it she does: In case you miss the part where she decides she feels better about things, you'll be able to tell by the way she has traded her slumpy, couldn't-care-less cardigans for miniature slip dresses and high heels. Before you can say "Bam!" she has her own cooking show and a giant following of lovesick male fans. She's happy for the first time in ages -- until she learns Toninho wants her back.

There's nothing inherently wrong with any of that, particularly when you consider Cruz's undeniable sex appeal. Effortlessly winning in Pedro Almodóvar's "All About My Mother," Cruz came off as a relaxed and intuitive actor. And there's just no denying she's a stunner, with her lush waterfall of hair and a smile with enough kilowatts to light up a small city.

But director Fina Torres and screenwriter Vera Blasi barely give her a character to play. It certainly couldn't have been their intent to buy into the idea that beautiful women are necessarily shallow and uninteresting, but that's the ultimate effect of "Woman on Top." Isabella seems more furnished than fleshed out: She has a fiery wardrobe of ethnic-looking clothes, including flirty little off-the-shoulder tops and flounced skirts. Her every movement gets a nice backdrop of sound, thanks to the movie's soundtrack of softly alluring bossa nova and samba tunes. And she's given a few endearing tics, like her tendency toward motion sickness. In a car, she cures it by being the one who drives, and in bed, she must always be on top: This is one of Toninho's issues with her, that she doesn't sufficiently allow him to be the man.

Now playing: Read all the recent movie reviews by Salon's critics