[Only weeks later, after strenuous research that revealed a less-than-flattering portrait of Ben, Josh finds himself -- thanks to the efforts of his Aunt Birdie -- walking the streets of New York City, dressed in a Franklin costume, making a series of comic spots for MSNBC.]
And as my Aunt Birdie had foretold, so it came to pass. The costume, the theme song, and ... television! I'd never done television before. We had to shoot four spots in one very frenetic day. And we couldn't present, of course, the evil Franklin that I had learned about in my researches. We couldn't present the deep historical Franklin. So we ended up presenting a Franklin who basically did shtick.
Like, our Franklin, the first place he goes when he comes to present-day New York: He doesn't go to a print shop, he doesn't go to a post office. No, our Franklin, the first place he goes is to a dating service -- where he makes a dating video:
"Hi. I'm Ben. I'm a Single White Founding Father, and I'm looking for that special someone to share my joys: A long walk along the beach. Maybe a bonfire. And if things are going really well, perhaps we could do a sensual re-drafting of the Constitution. You know, you remove an article, I remove an article..."
On to one of the millions of electronics stores along Broadway, where our Franklin was discovering the cellphone:
"Make it figgy next time! Figgy pudding! That's why they call it figgy! It has figs in it! Make it figgy next time!"
I'd had no idea it was so much fun to yell the word "figgy" into a cellphone. So they indulged me by making it a running gag through all four of the spots that Franklin would be ordering figgy pudding over the cellphone. The only problem being that I was supposed to be using a fake phone number, and I didn't know any fake phone numbers. So I was using my mom's. She had no idea what was going on.
"Make it figgy next time. Make it figgy!"
And then, during the breaks in between shooting the spots, there was no time for me to get out of my costume. So, like, I'm standing in front of that electronics store on Broadway. I'm sipping some coffee. And this really old guy walks past me, and he sees me. And I can tell he just has to come up and say something to me.
He goes, "You're making me feel even older than I am!"
On to Catch a Rising Star, where our Ben Franklin is now a stand-up comedian:
"Hello there, ladies and gentlemen. Hi, I'm Ben. I'll be your host tonight. Well, folks, I just flew in some muskets from the coast -- and Boy, Are Those Arms Tired! ... What is this -- a bunch of Redcoats in here? I don't understand!"
On to the United Nations. We're right on the sidewalk in front of the U.N. In this spot, Ben was going to describe his great achievement in diplomacy in France. Not Ben's actual achievements in diplomacy in France, which I'm sure were enormous, but our Ben's achievement. Essentially, our Ben was going to brag that he had persuaded King Louis to make the lyrics to "Louie, Louie" so no one would ever understand them.
So we're preparing to set up for that world-historic spot, and my camera people are setting up. In the meantime I realize that down the block, also in front of the U.N., there's this commotion. And so I sort of amble about halfway down, trying to make out what's happening.
There's this guy wearing battle fatigues, and he's just screaming. Yelling -- spittle coming out of his mouth, OK? And then behind him, all these other guys are also wearing battle fatigues, just standing like this. [Assumes a military posture.] OK, and then there are these TV cameras taking it all in.
So after a while, I finally make out what's going on. This guy who's yelling and screaming, he's apparently known as Michigan Mitch. He's a militia leader from Michigan. And all these other guys wearing battle fatigues, they're also militia leaders. They're having a convention of militia leaders, from all around the country: you know, Michigan, Idaho, Utah -- all the really great progressive states have sent their militia leaders.
And this guy's just screaming into the television cameras. He's going, "And that's why the Founding Fathers put in the Second Amendment to our U.S. Constitution -- why we all have the right to bear submachine guns and Uzis. We can blow apart anyone we want. Otherwise, the communist-led United Nations and FBI and ATF are going to burst into our shacks and steal our manifestos. That's why the Founding Fathers insisted ... that's why the Founding Fathers ... the Founding Fathers ... the Founding Fathers..."
So I'm standing about halfway down the block. I'm taking this all in. Steaming silently to myself -- which is my usual form of political engagement.
But at some point -- I think it's just from hearing that same phrase over and over: "Founding Fathers, Founding Fathers" -- at some point, something just came over me. I don't know -- maybe it was the costume. But all of a sudden I heard myself going, "Excuse me, sir!"
And this Michigan Mitch guy goes, "Hunh?"
And all the guys behind him go, "Hunh?"
And I'm standing there. And I go, "Well, ah, yes sir -- I couldn't help but overhear you talking about what the Founding Fathers might have intended. As perhaps you can tell, sir, I am a Founding Father! I'm Ben Franklin. And as a matter of fact, sir, I happen to have founded the first ever American militia. So I can tell you, sir, you know nothing about what you speak! Our militias, they were a stopgap measure. We had no standing army. We were a colony. If you, sir, want to join what we intended in the Constitution to be a "militia," then you must join your local branch of the National Guard. Otherwise, sir, just accept you're a bunch of addled, discontented nincompoops -- and that's IT!"
Now here's the thing: He accepted that I was Ben Franklin. That evidently was no leap at all for Michigan Mitch. Without even skipping a beat he goes, "Well, Ben -- I wasn't talking about you, OK? You're one of those egghead Founding Fathers -- the diplomats, the inventors. I was talking about the soldiers, OK? The George Washingtons..."
I said, "Excuse me again, sir. I knew George Washington. George Washington was a friend of mine. And you, sir, are no George Washington!"
Well, I was still on a high from that experience hours later...
About the writer
Josh Kornbluth is a San Francisco-based monologuist. He is the author of "Red Diaper Baby," a book of his stage pieces recently published by Mercury House.
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