First they came for Howard
Why isn't everyone who cares about free speech rallying around the embattled radio personality?
By Dan Savage
April 14, 2004 | Howard Stern, the self-proclaimed "King of All Media," was booted off six radio stations owned by those Iraq war boosters at Clear Channel Communications, after the radio network was slapped with a half-million-dollar fine by the Federal Communications Commission because of his show. It all could prove to be a serious blow, though, if the King of All Media winds up starving to death in a ditch as a result; well, he's got no one to blame but himself -- if that man hasn't socked away some of the tens of millions of dollars he's raked in over the years, then I have absolutely no sympathy for him.
Professionally, though, I'm more than concerned for Howard. I'm furious and distressed, actually. While I'll admit it's been thrilling to watch Stern, famous momma's boy, battle FCC chairman Michael Powell, famous daddy's boy, and his flock of flying monkeys, when the hammer came down on Stern last week my eyes were suddenly opened. It's not just that I make my living, however meager it may be in comparison to Stern's, doing something similar. Indeed, I was accused of being "the gay Howard Stern" early on in what I laughingly refer to as my "career." (It was a rival advice columnist who made the charge -- whatever happened to Isadora Alman, anyway?) I'm not having a "First they came for Howard Stern, but I didn't speak up because I wasn't an insanely wealthy shock jock ..." moment. I don't think I'm next on the hit list; my column is published on newsprint and the Net, not broadcast on our precious airwaves, the only scarce natural resource the Bush administration is remotely interested in defending. Thanks to the First Amendment, they can't shut down "Savage Love." Not yet, anyway.
No, what distresses me about Stern's predicament is that civil libertarians, lefties and sex radicals aren't furious and distressed, too, and that they're not rallying to his side -- and they should be. Stern's fine, and his dismissal from those six Clear Channel stations, is the result of an April 9, 2003, show in which Stern discussed anal and oral sex. With his co-host, Robin Quivers, Stern raked one of his regulars, Stuttering John, over the coals about something John revealed about his sex life on the air during a previous show. Mr. and Mrs. Stuttering, apparently, enjoy anal sex -- quite a lot -- but they've been enjoying it a lot less since Mr. Stuttering blurted out this fact on the radio, much to the annoyance of Mrs. Stuttering. The moral of the segment was this: "You have to respect your partner's right to sexual privacy -- particularly if you want to keep banging away at her ass." In another segment, Stern discussed a product called "Sphincterine," a kind of spray/wipe/lotion for men who suffer from "swamp ass." The guest invented the product after his girlfriend called off a blow job because he was rank. The moral of this segment? "Good personal hygiene is important."
Both segments featured a lot of toilet humor, and Stern presided over them with his trademark salaciousness. (The transcript is available here.) And while most of Stern's male listeners no doubt tuned in on April 9, 2003, to enjoy the shock jock's bathroom humor, they nevertheless came away with two valuable lessons. Based on the mail I get every day at "Savage Love," I would venture to guess that there are millions of men out there who need to be reminded to keep their mouths shut about their sexual conquests, and to shower on a regular basis. And if I may go out on a limb, I'd venture to guess that a disproportionately large percentage of these men listen to Stern's show. More power to Howard for informing these stank-butts of the importance of sexual discretion and good personal hygiene in a way that they could understand.
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