8:36 p.m. The "Gay Beatles" do a runway walk and babble nonsensically with Jimmy Fallon about ... You know what? I'm about done making fun of "Queer Eye." But I will say this: My first job was as a part-time reporter at a community newspaper in Chicago. Ted Allen, Mr. Food and Wine, was one of my co-workers. We used to hang out, really, me and Ted, with all our friends in Chicago! He's a great guy, and he looks fabulous! Ted. What's Beyoncé really like? It's been too long. Call me!
8:46 p.m. Hey, guess what? I'm drunk. Which is good, because Fred Durst, who, according to Chris Rock, is the proof that "rap metal is affirmative action for white people," introduces Jack Black, who then proceeds to be "funny," but not as funny as the fact that my dog just ate a bloody bandage out of the garbage can. Look, people. Linkin Park just beat out the White Stripes for an award. I can write whatever I want.
8:54 p.m. Mary J. Blige! Showin' us how it's done!
9:02 p.m. A seemingly austistic Kelly Osbourne pushes Avril Lavigne out of the limelight and decries the supreme injustice that Duran Duran has never won a VMA award. Duran Duran appear sheepishly. The crowd rises as one as Duran Duran receive their lifetime achievement award for iconographic nostalgia. The band suspects that it's been "Punk'd," ha, ha. Simon LeBon says the band's current reunion really "kicks ass."
9:16 p.m. The lead singer of Coldplay has written "Make Trade Fair" in chalk on his moody piano. Yes. And also, we should End Racism Now. Then Justin Timberlake wins best male video over Johnny Cash. "My grandfather raised me on Johnny Cash," Justin Timberlake says. "In some cool way, I share this award with him." Actually, Justin, you don't. But thank you for following your publicists' advice and calling it a "travesty" anyway.
9:32 p.m. Beyoncé, hanging by her feet, drops from the ceiling, lies on a red velvet divan and is sexually molested by Mummenschanz. Five minutes later, the Super Bowl halftime show ends. My erection subsides.
9:42 p.m. The headlines on the AP wire: "North Korea: Official Vows to Test Nukes;" "U.S. Struggles to Get More Help in Iraq." Meanwhile, Good Charlotte wins the "viewer's choice" award, which shows that I'm the only person in the world watching this who's not a 12-year-old girl. The leader singer of Good Charlotte, ever classy, says, "I just shit my pants."
9:54 p.m. Snoop Dogg and Adam Sandler play Ubby Dubby while Bishop Magic Juan lurks darkly in the background. In the only truly spontaneous moment of the evening, Snoop Dogg's nephew runs onstage and babbles incoherently. "Slide over to the left, nephew," says Snoop. Missy Elliott beats Johnny Cash for video of the year. Not a travesty to her, apparently.
Metallica then performs a limp show-tunes medley of MTV's greatest rock hits. I picked out "Seven Nation Army," "Smells Like Teen Spirit," and "Beat It." Metallica plays one of its own songs, to slightly greater effect, but cannot undo the fact that they've just killed rock 'n' roll. The hall fills with silvery confetti. I take a deep breath and a slug of wine. And then I am free.
About the writer
Neal Pollack's forthcoming book is "Never Mind the Pollacks: A Rock 'n' Roll Novel." His band, The Neal Pollack Invasion, will be releasing a soundtrack to the book.
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