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By Jeff Stark

Feb. 9, 2000 | Keanu Reeves as Josh Leonard

Man, we are stoked to work with you. As you know, Ed and I made "The Blair Witch Project" by bouncing checks at a nasty team of Citibank collection officers. After the movie grossed $100 million last year, Artisan pitched us a sequel. At first we didn't want to do it. Corporate sequels still suck, you know. Like we need to explain this to you after that second "Bill and Ted." Then they said the magic three syllables: Ke-a-nu. (Or do you say it with two?)

Needless to say, we've got cash money for "The Bitch Is Back." Also national forest permits, a $10 million deal with Panasonic, killer effects, the whole fuckin' pumpkin. The best part? We didn't have to sell out. To keep it real, we'll be using loads of video cameras (Panasonic, natch), just like the first time. You, George, Skeet and the others will not have scripts, just general improv directions and some character sketches. You'll improvise the rest. We hope this letter will help you get ready for the role.

(We probably don't need to remind you that you and your agent signed NDAs. Letting this stuff slip out would be seriously uncool. We will be leaking another set of profiles on the Net four weeks before we debut at Sundance 2001 in order to prime the pump on the buzz machine, but that's for the suits to deal with.)

OK, so everybody who saw "The Blair Witch Project: First Curse" believes that Josh died out in the woods. Wrong! Actually, he only disappeared. The next morning Heather and Mike found remnants of his shirt wrapped around a few bloody chicken livers and some cow teeth. There were some voices and stuff coming from the woods that sounded like Josh, but no one saw him die. Frankly, the dude is too tough to kill! Which is why we thought of you. I mean, after "Matrix," you're a fucking god!

"The Bitch Is Back" will introduce a new side of Josh. Sure, he was a laid-back pseudo-hippie-college whatever in "First Curse," but now, he's been gruesomely disfigured and set with amnesia. (Don't worry, K: You'll come out of plastic surgery with only a tough-looking scar on your left jaw.) At the start of the film -- which takes place a few weeks after the student filmmakers walked into the woods and before their footage was found a year later -- Josh can't remember his name or his identity, just the witch. After some intense hospital freakouts, the doctors (Donald Sutherland and Philip Seymour Hoffman) threaten to lock him up in a maximum-security mental hospital. Josh becomes convinced that the only way to prove he's not crazy -- and uncover his true identity -- is to find the Blair Witch and bring back proof that she exists.

Special note: Get training with our rock-climbing guy ASAP, OK, Ace? When the chicks see you shirtless in the suspension-bridge rescue? Dude!

Alicia Silverstone as Anne Hutchinson

We know that you really haven't done a lot since that Batgirl thing didn't work out, but we totally believe in you. We think Anne is the kind of integrity role -- Oscar buzz, critics talking about your courage -- that makes you cover-of-Us-magazine hot. You know that we considered both Ashley Judd and Sandra Bullock. But you showed a tremendous amount of hunger at the audition and the crying was super-convincing.

Anne is a nurse at the Harper's Ferry hospital where Josh is recovering. While videotaping him for his before-and-after plastic surgery tape, she recognizes the fear and honesty burning through the gauze bandages. It's "English Patient" time! One deep conversation convinces her that Josh is not crazy. She begins to fall in love. Josh tells Anne that he has to "find that Bitch." Anne plots and executes a daring hospital escape through the ventilation system (OK, maybe De Palma used this in "Mission: Impossible," but it still rocks), captured on security cams for ultra-realism, and shuttles him away in a hijacked ambulance.

Out in the woods, Anne tells Josh that it really doesn't matter who he is -- she'll love him no matter what. For a while, it looks like the Bitch is gonna get them both and they'll die together young and beautiful. In the final scene, she gets knocked out and left for dead, but she'll come back to consciousness in Josh's arms.

Special note: The campfire scene calls for full nudity. It'll be erotic, strange, but not really titillating exactly. We think it's called for. Think about that scene in "American Beauty" where the weird kid shoots video of the girl next door -- the critics ate it up! That said, we'll understand if you just want to go with topless plus a sheer thong.

Oh, and could you get with our rock-climbing guy and sked some one-on-one with your personal trainer? Really, we're talking five pounds. Ten max.

Skeet Ulrich as Ranger Doug Spruce

Thanks sooooo much for being cool about the whole Keanu thing. You know, agents, man, fucking agents. Still, we're psyched that you're staying on, and we think you can do a lot with the ranger role before -- well -- you know. (Aggh, aghh. Slice, slice. Gurgle, gurgle.)

Dude, it's going to be so awesome. Look, you died early in that huge long Civil War movie, and we just know the ladies were all thinking about you afterward and not that wimpy Tobey guy. What's the deal with him?

Anyway, we decided that the big problem with "First Curse" was that we had three idiots in the woods who couldn't find their butts with two hands and a flashlight. Like losing the map even mattered! So you're the big woods expert -- right now we think you're a young, studly prof on sabbatical from Chapel Hill or Duke or whatever. (You can be from Evergreen, in Washington state, if you want some more realness.) You meet up with the rest of the crew on their second night in the woods. After their scare the night before, they think you're the witch. You're knocked out with a big bundle of sticks. When you come to, you'll tell an old family campfire story about your great-great-grandfather, the abolitionist. He claimed that a witch ran off with two of his children, but the local plantation owners blamed slave voodoo. Once you're in with the crew, you'll help them get to the house, and then to the lair. You'll be point man there, and, oh, man, it's gonna be really bloody.

Special note: Make sure you don't say anything to anyone else, but you might want to talk to our casting chick, Oni, about the period piece. We don't really want to get too far ahead of ourselves, but Haxan Films is in prequel negotiations. Check this out -- the great-great-grandfather we just talked about? Dude -- who else could it be? Don't worry about the Keanu factor. As far as we know, he's already signed to star in that Sofia Coppola "Gravity's Rainbow" thing.

Next page | A shirtless George Clooney, blowing away stick-men to "Rock Me Amadeus"