Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm a 25-year-old woman who just moved to Los Angeles to take a job, the first meaningful, nontemp, nonclerical, non-coffee shop job I've had, and it didn't hurt that Scott already lives out here. He and I have been close for about five years, but it's been a tangled relationship. When we first met, we fell head-over-heels for each other, and dated for about six months. Since then, we've been "friends," though I've pined away for him and he's pined for me. It is wonderful that we have weathered so much awfulness and are still so close. The problem is, I am in love with him. And he doesn't seem to know quite what he wants from me. We are often mistaken for a couple. We hold hands a lot. He puts his arm around me a lot. When I see him, he hugs me longer than one normally hugs a mere friend. When he stays over at my house, he cuddles up to me. We kiss, sometimes even really kiss, but nothing else. This kind of contact feels like it has to mean something.
We've talked about it. He knows how I feel, and he says that he loves me more than anyone, but not in a romantic way. What to do?
In Love
Dear In,
I'm afraid this is a question of your stamina and tolerance and ability to ride with the waves. He's been as honest about his feelings as he can be and you have the choice of hanging up the phone or accepting him for the semi-demi-romantic pal that he is. My guess is that you'll go on seeing him. (Why turn down honest affection?) And that this will be delightful and agonizing. And then something else will happen. He'll introduce you to Bruce. Or he'll wake up and ask you to marry him. Or he'll move to Seattle.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am 24, a college student, mother of a daughter, getting divorced from a horrible man. Recently, I was at a local gas station filling up my tank when a voice called out to me and it was my very first boyfriend, from when I was 14 and he was 16. We exchanged numbers and spoke a few times by phone and e-mail, and all the old feelings were there. The problem is that "John" has been married for four years and is very much in love with his wife and kids. However, one thing has led to another and we have fallen into a rather serious physical relationship. It is unlike anything I have ever felt and it is like he is a drug or something. I know we should end it and he agrees. However, there is this connection there and we are like 16 years old again. It is rather difficult to discuss. We know it is wrong and unhealthy, but every time we meet to end it, we end up in bed and not wanting to get out. Of course we should break it off, but it is so hard. What do you suggest?
Layla
Dear Layla,
You seem to have no interest in ending this affair; it's satisfying to you, and all the guilt is his. For you, it's exciting and fulfilling and absolutely cost-free. You don't need me to tell you that it's wrong. And when people do bad things with their eyes open, they dull their consciences, and this makes them dangerous to others. If you're asking me to provide you with a conscience, I can't. We're each living in our own murk and darkness and trying to do the right thing. Try harder.
Dear Mr. Blue,
For the first time in years, I'm in love with the sort of man I've often fantasized about. We have been dating for six months now, but the problem is that I don't know if we'll ever manage to integrate our lives. He has half custody of a 7-year-old son, who I find very spoiled, emotionally insecure and overly possessive of his father. They sleep together. He thinks his father's bedroom is his, too. My boyfriend has never had me stay over when his son is there. I myself have a 13-year-old daughter, who doesn't mind if he sleeps over, and even when she was 7, I would have had men over. The four of us do things from time to time, like dinner and a movie, but his son is always a bit bratty. My boyfriend did broach the idea of the four of us going away together, but I think his son would make a fuss if his father and I were to share a room. Anyway, about two months ago I did talk to my boyfriend about how he has to teach his son to be more independent if he wants our relationship to grow, and it doesn't look like he's doing much about it. I wonder if I'm being too demanding, and if I should just be content with our once-a-week dates until his son matures some more. I've never been in this situation before and realize that there is always tons of baggage when people in their mid-40s have a relationship, but I do want to get remarried at some point and figure out a way to make this work without waiting for years. So how can I deal with this reasonably?
Disillusioned but Hopeful
Dear Disillusioned,
Don't let a 7-year-old lead you around. Bratty kids grow up eventually. Meanwhile, forget about staying at your boyfriend's house and don't concern yourself with his philosophy of child-rearing. Excuse yourself from any big plans for "family" trips that seem fraught with potential for trouble. Focus on enjoying the good things between you and him and accept that this relationship is going to take time. Is it worth the investment? Only you and he know. Somewhere down deep in your heart you have a sense of this and you ought to listen to how you feel.
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