Dear Mr. Blue,
I am a college senior with a girlfriend I love very much. But I am spending most of the coming year studying in Buenos Aires, and frankly, I'd like the freedom to have sexual relationships with other people. I know my girlfriend doesn't really see things the way I do; I know she won't understand that I just need a little time to mess around. Is this one of those things women never understand? How do I tell her how I'm feeling without totally breaking her heart?
Imagining Argentina
Dear Imagining,
The lovely young women of Buenos Aires may not be longing for a gringo to fool around with. I don't know. Maybe there's a big crowd of them lined up at the airport waving handkerchiefs and all you need do is offer a couple of Hershey bars and a pair of nylons. Or maybe you could spend a miserable lonely year there, wondering what happened to your manly allure that it has no value. In any case, you tell your girlfriend now that you are going to Argentina as a single, unencumbered man and you leave no doubt about it and make it stick. A crucial part of your education is to learn how to disappoint someone and do it to her face and without craven apology or pointless explanations and let her down gracefully. Nobody grows up knowing how to do this; it must be learned. A man who never learns to do this is going to get into some truly dreadful predicaments in life.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am a 32-year-old woman, and have been with my husband for nine years. Two years ago I had a three-month-long affair. At the time, I thought it was wild and passionate, but looking back it was just ridiculous. The good thing about the affair is that it helped my marriage; I learned to appreciate my wonderful husband more, and our sex life improved immensely.
The problem is that I sometimes feel overwhelmed with guilt over the affair. When my husband tells me how wonderful and perfect I am, I think, NO! I'm not! If only you knew!
I don't plan to tell him about the affair. It would burden him and make him lose his trust in me. And I have no need or desire to stray again. I want to feel good about myself again, and don't want to carry this burden around with me forever. How can I get rid of it?
Tired of the Guilt
Dear Tired,
I forgive you and so would he, though you're right not to tell him. But perhaps you're in need of simple narrative therapy. You call up a nice psychologist and make an appointment to sit and tell her the whole story and how you still feel lousy about what happened. It can ease your spirit to hear this come out of your own mouth and bounce off the walls and not be resonating and resonating inside your head. But to sometimes feel guilty about such a large experience is not so surprising. Life isn't a rehearsal.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I recently befriended a girl I met at a local coffee shop. We started talking about God and faith and religion, and we formed a wonderful friendship. However, as time went on, she started falling in love with me. When she first told me this, I gently explained that I wasn't interested, but now she shows up at my house unannounced at least three times a week, and when I ask her to leave, she won't go. And when we hug goodbye (yes, I'm a hugger), she holds on just a little too long.
I'm growing tired of this. I'm starting to feel like I'm dating this girl against my will. Without hurting her feelings (which I know from experience are fragile), how do I tell my friend that I need my space?
Cramped
Dear Cramped,
You decide when to have the Conversation with her and then you have it. In this conversation, you are gentle but not as gentle as you've been before. Your gentility has been pushed hard and it must push back. Perhaps she thinks she is getting romantic inklings from you, maybe her horoscope tells her to be aggressive, maybe she senses emanations from your houseplants. Whatever, you must now cut through whatever illusions she's under and make yourself clear. The problem is to be definite without anger, to turn up the volume slightly. But no matter how fragile her feelings, she'll be hurt more by your indecisiveness than by your resolution.
Next page: Why turn down honest affection?