Dear Mr. Blue,
I've been dating a great guy for the past eight months. He's kind, gentle and funny, and we are fundamentally great friends and companions. However, he is Dutch and will return to Holland within the next year -- plans that don't include me. He hasn't asked me to go, and I don't think I'm ready to start a new life in a foreign country.
Most of the time I'm happy with his companionship, but sometimes I find it hard to deal with the given expiration date on our relationship and wonder if I shouldn't be devoting my energies and emotions toward someone with whom I could share a future. Do I content myself with the simple joys of the time we have together or should I ease myself out of this ticking relationship before my emotions become more deeply woven?
Uncertain
Dear Uncertain,
I favor enjoying the friendship and savoring the simple joys and let the future arrive whenever it arrives. A sweet love like this one is instructive to the heart; you learn so much about the pure act of giving and receiving affection and living in the present, and this will be useful to you when you're with a guy with whom you seem to have a vast and logical future extending into infinity. You will know that the future, even a logical one, is built this morning and this afternoon and tomorrow and Saturday.
Dear Mr. Blue,
At 26, I have spent six years living with my boyfriend, Jacob (also 26). Four years ago, I was diagnosed with a degenerative auto-immune disease that has ravaged my organs and nervous system. I spend a good lot of time in hospitals and in bed. I fall frequently. I am plagued with blood clots. Most of my organs are inflamed and deficient. I have no idea if I will live four more years or 40. Jacob picks me up when I fall. He sleeps with me in hospital beds. He skips shows and invitations from friends in favor of keeping me company as I cry or freak out because I am in pain or weak or temporarily unable to use the right side of my body. We are truly in love, enjoy each other, understand and encourage each other, and are at a point where we plan to marry in the next year or two. But I worry that he will burn out. And I still haven't come to terms with the fact that a few years ago, I was an independent, energetic, fearless woman (the woman he fell in love with) and am now a sick, scared woman. I feel that I'd be crazy to think he won't tire of caring for me and my physical mess, and will, some sad day, take off. He is so brilliant and attractive and dear, and I worry that I am keeping him from a more free life. Yet, after losing so much of my life to this disease, I don't think I could bear losing him, too. What to do?
Dependent and Hating It
Dear Dependent,
You are thinking right thoughts when you worry about overburdening him. These things do happen. But the fear of losing him is nothing you can take up with him: That would only make you seem pathetic. So the reasonable and difficult course is to take independent steps to regain your independence. Find other people you can confide in so he's not the only one. Pursue aggressively the issue of pain management. And don't think about marriage right now: Focus on the short-term good. He is with you now, and that's good, and tomorrow is another day. You're not keeping him from a freer life, you're helping him become a kinder and more caring person.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am a senior in college in the Northeast. I am half an hour from my parents' home. I am very close to them, and they want me to move home after graduation. I want to move to the West Coast for graduate school or for a job. My dad is 67 years old and his health isn't great. I think if I moved away and something happened to him, I would feel eternally guilty. It would be an emotional strain on my family if I moved away. But I am a little resentful that my parents want me to live a sheltered life, close to them, whereas I want to try something new. I love them dearly and I am thankful for them but I feel it's time to fly the coop. But I don't want to break their hearts! Any advice?
Speculative Student
Dear Speculative,
You're going in circles, dear, and when you come back around to the idea of moving to the West Coast, stop and take that road and don't look back. You are not responsible for your dad's health; emotional strain comes with being a parent. Feel grateful that your parents crave your company and tell them you're going west and then go and enjoy the freedom.
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