I have wanted to write to you for a while but have held off for want of a decent trauma. My life, like everybody's, is full of little day-to-day traumas, but by the time I'm halfway through the writing of my woes, something has gone right, and I feel like a drama queen for moaning and give up. So I guess I'm OK, but why?

Jack

Dear Jack,

You're basically OK because your parents brought you up to be, and they taught you not to focus on your problems, and how did you treat them? Jack, you treated them like dirt under your feet. The suffering you caused those two fine people should make you pick up a phone and call a therapist and make some appointments. Sit down and start talking about your mom and dad and before you know it you'll be walking through deep mud indeed and reaching for the Kleenex and finally after all these years you'll start facing up to your problems.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I've been dating the same boy off and on (he's 30) for more than three years. He makes my heart pound like absolutely no one else does. He told me last week that I have every quality he's ever looked for in another human being. But he likes the fact that we maintain our separate lives, so I only see him once a week or so, sometimes less often, and he is hesitant to take our relationship to another level. I want to hang on to him. It seems like at age 24 I ought to start getting some practice in how to be involved with someone. Right? He's getting ready to move to a city 30 minutes away after the first of the year. What if he slips away from me before we really take the chance to explore this? Argghh! My heart is in a twist.

In Love

Dear In Love,

It's hard, kid. Of all the guys in the world, you had to pick one who prefers his woman at a distance. Honey, he isn't in love with you, even if you are a quality human being. This is a problem that doesn't lend itself to negotiation: It puts you in the position of begging for his attention, and it results in a lot of whimpering and sniffling, and that's no good for you. Sure, it's a good idea to get some practice in being involved with someone, but this guy doesn't want to dance. Don't hang on. Give him all the slack he wants, and live your life, and soon he will disappear. He seems to be assuming that you'll stay put, like a lawn mower. Don't let him assume that. He has no right to. Drop the boy and find a man.

Dear Mr. Blue,

After my marriage crashed and burned, I spent four years pulling myself together and learning to fully enjoy the tranquillity of middle age and living single. Then I met a man who made my socks roll up and down. We're talking love here ... a true midlife passion. Such a guy. We moved in together a year ago and have rarely been apart since then. Last week he left on a 10-day business trip and I cried as I waved goodbye and moped around the house all day, and then I heard this little voice inside my head say ... "You're free." It felt like chains were dropping from my shoulders. I've dined out with old friends I haven't seen in years. I cleaned the house and it stayed that way. The toilet seat stayed down. I rediscovered the joy of watching old movies until 3 in the morning. I got to hog all the covers. It has been bliss. I have felt playful, lithesome and unfettered. What the hell is going on here? I adore this man, so why has his absence turned out to be this much fun? Could it be a sign that I'm really designed to live alone the rest of my life? What a grim thought. Please help, Mr. Blue.

Happy And Nervous

Dear Happy,

It's called a vacation and other couples experience it too. They may not let on to each other, but they do. Marriage is an institution that, even at best, places strains on a person. I love my wife dearly, but when she's gone I get to stay up and work late at night with nobody telling me to stop. I don't feel playful, lithesome and unfettered, but I do get to occupy the entire bed crossways, and most of all, when I put the toilet seat up, it stays up. I don't know why women can't put a lid back up when they're done doing their business, but a man gets tired of nagging at them. And why do they keep asking you, "Are you mad at me?" No, of course not! But a little peace and quiet is nothing to sneeze at.

Maya Angelou reads from "The Heart of a Woman"