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Can you make yourself like someone? | 1, 2, 3, 4

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am a 32-year-old woman living in Los Angeles. I'm very secure in my decision not to have a child, not now or in the future. I'm not a warm, nurturing person. I enjoy spending money on things like eye cream and expensive suede ottomans, not Diaper Genies and preschool. My boyfriend of one year, who is the most wonderful guy, wants to have three kids. Sometimes I think we should be honest and separate now over the breeding issue. Other times, I worry that I am going to lose a great guy and end up alone with my ottomans. Should I stick to my guns on this, or should I drop the subject and hope my boyfriend can be appeased with a puppy or some orchids?

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Nobody's Mom

Dear Nobody's,

Honesty is all that's required of you here. You like him just fine and so you have no reason to break up, and if he wants those three kids badly enough, he can figure out how to go find someone to have them with. But if he's sticking with you on the assumption that you don't really mean what you say, then it's going to be hard, hard, hard in a few years when the truth dawns on him. You need to have a discussion in which this decision of yours is placed on the table as a solid non-negotiable fact. You needn't hurl it at him, or thrust it at him, but it needs to be out in the open where he can see it.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm a woman in my mid-20s who spent a year and a half dating a wonderful man. We were a terrific match in most ways, but he decided to end the relationship after months of indecision on my part. I couldn't decide whether I should spend my life with him or not. We didn't have the same intense passionate connection that I felt with a past boyfriend. The wonderful man was of course hurt by my ambivalence, so finally he left. Now, for months, I have deeply regretted how things turned out, and I want to get back together. I'm enjoying my solitude, and don't feel an urge to be in a relationship, but I miss him. He's understandably wary of any reconciliation, though; he doesn't want to get close only to be hurt again. What do you think?

Worrying

Dear Worrying,

I say, enjoy that solitude. The only way you can lure him back is with implied promises that you can't keep. This relationship ran its course. Learn what you can from it and move on.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I have been in a relationship with a fellow writer for the past three years. He says he wants to marry me and father my children, but produces no ring and no babies. About every six months or so, I bring the subject up, and he says yes, we'll get married and have babies, but nothing ever comes of it, so I, coward that I am, drop it. But I'm 34, my eggs are drying up, and I'm beginning to wonder whether I should cut and run. He and I are great together -- we laugh at the same things, we hardly ever fight and he makes me feel complete in a way no other man has. I don't want to think about life without him. And yet, I want to start a family before it gets too hard. I weep at diaper commercials.

So what to do? Do I issue an ultimatum?

Tired of Waiting

Dear Tired,

Express yourself, girl. You're dropping the discussion before it even gets warmed up. How is it that two writers can be so inarticulate about this great question? Sit down and talk with him and express your feelings in a lavish manner. Lay it all out. If you can't do this, then write him a letter about it. It's time. Don't issue an ultimatum, that's too unpleasant, but if he is evading the question, then take this as a bad omen for the relationship.

Dear Mr. Blue, I was in a two-month relationship that was ended, by him. I love this person and wrote him a letter letting him know this. He hasn't responded. I don't know if he never received the letter, or didn't know what to say, or didn't find me important enough to respond to. Should I e-mail him to ask if he received the letter?

Distressed

Dear Distressed,

Yes, do, if you want to, though you know the probable answer: He got the letter and doesn't know how to respond because he simply doesn't feel the way you do. It's hard for him to say that he doesn't love you. But if you want to corner him into saying it, I suppose he will. On the other hand, what if he can't say it, and what if, out of misbegotten sympathy or hope or some terrible need to be a nice guy, he resumes with you, what have you accomplished? He ended it. The end is the end. No explanations necessary. Don't look back, I say.

Next page | Forget about these two clowns and shape your own life
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