Dear Mr. Blue,

I am 18 and stewing in confusion because I have a wonderful best friend who I have, shall we say, more than a friendly interest in. We've been friends since we were 12. He has no romantic interest in me, I know, because he talks frequently of a beautiful young woman whom he's been after. I'm going out of my mind about whether I should tell him my feelings or keep my mouth shut. I don't want to lose his friendship, but the situation depresses me. Young and Confused

Dear Young Women,

The guy talking about a beautiful young woman doesn't mean he isn't attracted to you. It could mean that he is and is trying to tease out your feelings for him. Or he may not be clear about his feelings. You discover what you feel by engaging in playful interaction with others, flirting and dancing and hanging out and talking, talking, talking, and this is why we ancients like to see you children enjoy a lighthearted social life among a wide circle of friends, postponing serious Couplehood, dating without chains, learning to hang out in a group, acquiring the basic social skills. You don't learn these skills by clutching onto someone and steaming up the car windows. Nor do you get them out of a book. You need to learn this stuff in real time, like how to be pleasant and empathetic and still maintain distance, how to control your temper, how to converse with a stone wall, how to fend off weasels, how to charm people and get them to do what you want without having to ask, when and how to tell the truth. And that's why I'm leery of Long-Distance removing herself from the social hurly-burly and pledging her heart to a nice boy's photograph. Yes, it can be done, but your surrogate dad here would rather see you busy with four boyfriends, learning to hold your own in company. As for Young and Confused and the best friend, affection is a physical language, and you can learn something about how he feels simply by taking his hand. Kissing is exciting, but the expressiveness of hand-holding is vastly underestimated.

Ciao Mr. Blue,

A Roman Expatriate

Dear Expat,

What grim miseries a cold family can inflict and what can one do indeed? People's attitudes get dug in and the poor sister-in-law is cast in the role of evil alien or human furniture and sits in the corner wearing a wan smile and it's so unfair. When you're treated unjustly, the first rule is: Let it be their problem, don't let it cow you or sour you or give you conniptions. Three suggestions. 1) Try to get to know some in-laws individually rather than taking on the whole clan. The women are the social arbiters, I'll bet, so get to know a couple of them. People often behave badly in groups but warm up when culled from the herd. 2) Give the in-laws an invitation they can't turn down -- say, your husband's birthday -- and get them inside your house. Very important. You be the host and kill them with kindness. 3) Don't discuss this situation with your husband. It'll only cause grief and become a major issue and lead to dissension. Speak well of his family to him, even if you have to search hard for things to say.

And remember, my dear, that you have the ultimate advantage: You will be the mother of their grandchildren. This is the ace in the hole. If they don't care enough to make nice with you then, they're not worth worrying about.

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