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I am a 33-year-old woman engaged to a very sweet, dependable
30-year-old man. We've been together for five years, weathered
some storms, and last December he asked me to marry him. I
agreed, thinking it made sense, but now I feel I may not be
ready. I love him dearly, but we don't connect on an intellectual
level: He enjoys motorcycles, surfing and reruns of "The Simpsons,"
while I am more of a books-and-art-films type. He is also a bit,
well, boyish. To complicate matters, shortly after the proposal, a very
attractive man at my fitness club became very friendly. We have
been spending a good bit of time together, working out and
running. Recently we went out to lunch and ended up kissing, and
for the first time in years I felt real passion. The
problem: He is married with two kids. While I know that a fling
would be emotionally unsatisfying and immoral, I am very tempted.
I find myself thinking about this man constantly, and am deeply
disappointed when he cancels plans we have made. I feel depressed
and very torn. Please help!
Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Anxious Dear Anxious, Here's a new storm for you to weather. Don't try to make headway. Lower sails and ride it out. The storm is inside you, in your heart, not caused by these men, and the $1.95 opinion here is that you're not in love with the sweet dependable man, but you can't bring yourself to break off with him, and you have grasped onto the great kisser as a crowbar to pry you loose. Sometimes we need drama to shake us loose of a life we're dissatisfied with, and this is your drama. The attractive married man, however, is using you in a dishonorable way, toying with you, playing a game, and why should you accept this? An affair with him can be worse than "emotionally unsatisfying" -- it can bum you out 10 ways from Tuesday and leave you saddened, ashamed and emotionally scorched. Nobody who cares about you would give you any other advice than: back up, quit the club, cut off all contact with the married man, put the marriage plans on hold and sit tight and let yourself calm down. If you have doubts about marrying the surfer, then listen to them. Don't let yourself be sold a marriage that you aren't wholehearted about. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a guy, 24, who recently moved to Los Angeles with dreams of fortune and fame. Four years ago, I dated a wonderful girl back east who I still can't get out of my mind. We never got serious back then, I was too immature, but two months ago she told me that she is going to move here permanently. I have to try and make something happen between us; I will regret it forever if I don't. She is beautiful in every way, inside and out, but I have no idea how to go about doing this. I also don't want to make her move uncomfortable. I am her only friend here, and I don't want her to think that I'm trying to put the moves on her, even though I am. What is the best way for me to go about this? Should I bring it up before she gets here or should I wait? And finally, what is the best way for me to let her know how I feel without making her uncomfortable? In Love Dear In Love, Help out with the move, be a pal, tote the boxes, help pick out the sofa, show her where to go to get the nice tableware cheap and invite her to an occasional lunch or dinner, perhaps a movie, and in the meantime, don't hurl yourself at her or proclaim your feelings. Let friendship segue gracefully into something else. She'll be able to sense some of what you feel for her, so don't rush her, don't make big gestures. Chances are, you're reading ahead in the script and she's still in the flashback on Page 5, so be cool. And then when you're ready, take her to the beach at sunset where it's the most natural inevitable thing to turn to each other and kiss -- a person can hear the music swell on the soundtrack and feel the camera come in for the close-up and it would take a hardened heart indeed not to do the right thing. Dear Mr. Blue, I am in love with a wonderful man. He's a little older (52 to my 40), enjoys the same hobbies (sails, enjoys the outdoors, great food and wine), plays nice with my 15-year-old son, who also gets along very well with Mr. Wonderful's three teenage children. We spend lots of time together laughing and playing and enjoying life together. The problem? He's incapable of throwing stuff away. He collects newspapers, books, magazines, scraps, old mail and leaves it in messy piles in the bedroom, the family room, the kitchen on the stove, etc. It's a niggly sort of thing I know, but I am a neat freak and we can't resolve it. I've tried isolating the disaster, but it creeps out everywhere! I'm finding lately tension in our conversations about the house, the "stuff," and recently, I'm not relaxing during sex! Help! We've been together for less than a year, but we both want to marry and make it work. He says he'll try, but he hasn't, really. Am I just anal? Surrounded Dear Surrounded, Even those of us who throw fistfuls of stuff away hourly find ourselves beleaguered by stuff. It simply accrues. I sympathize with your passion for clean surfaces, but there's a certain inevitability about flotsam accumulating in backwaters and perhaps one needs to make peace with it. Mail flows in, catalogs stack up, unread books multiply and it's tough to make them all disappear. You could certainly trade in this guy for a man with zero junk who eats from a paper plate while leaning over the sink so as not to dirty the kitchen, but would he have three teenage children and sail and laugh? If you work up a balance sheet on Old 52, I think most people would feel that the guy is operating in the black. But we're not taking a poll here, you're not them, you're you, and if junk on the counters makes you so tense that you can't enjoy sex, then maybe you need to do something freaky. Put the stuff in shopping bags and stick it in the basement. Give him his own room where he can wallow in papers. Give him two rooms. Three. Dear Mr. Blue, I've been with my significant other for about a year and a half. Recently, he told me he needs some space to figure himself out, and that right now he needs me as a friend. That's fine. My issue is this: He has decided to seek solace in a mutual friend (I've known her for six years and he and I met through her). I believe she is in love with him. I know she's manipulative and out for herself. I promised myself I would take a step back, but this week I've been a complete basket case. Is there any hope? Am I too much of a jealous and controlling girlfriend? Think I've lost him for good? Utterly Lost Dear Utterly, This sounds like a wishy-washy breakup to me, and I'm sorry it's causing you grief. "I need some space to figure myself out" is a euphemism for goodness knows what, and why try to figure it out? It's his problem, and you simply have to take the man at his word. He vants to be alone, or be with the evil stepsister, and when a man vants to be alone, dollink, alone is what you should allow him to be. This week you're a basket case, and next week you'll feel sad and depleted, and the week after that you'll be sitting up and taking nourishment, and in a month you'll be back at the dance. Let him go.
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