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Hey, big spender | page 1, 2, 3, 4
I'm 24, he's 32. I'm English, he's Chilean, we live and work in
Beijing. We've been living together for a year and I love him so
much it hurts. He's beautiful like sculpture and he gives me a
feeling close to joy. He is affectionate, but I see panic in his
eyes if I talk about "us" in the future tense. We will both leave
China in less than a year. He refuses to make any definite plans.
He has an ex-sweetheart and three kids in Chile and he says he
cannot make any definite commitment with me until he has returned
to Chile, and seen his children (one of which
he has never seen) and "sorted himself out." He says love takes
time and he needs my patience. In the meantime I ache with love
for this man. Do I keep waiting? Am I being unreasonable? Or am I
just gonna lose him in the long run anyway? L.
Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear L., You're in a beautiful romance and it's temporary, like life itself, and don't waste any of the joyful present worrying about the uncertain future. I know this sounds like a second-rate fortune cookie, but it's true. Maybe the romance will have a second act, and maybe not, but that is utterly out of your hands, dear, and it's far too complicated to solve right now, so don't do a thing about the future except to make the plans that are sensible for you and let him do what he must do. He is being honest with you, and be grateful for that. And enjoy the romance to the fullest and when the lights come up and it's time to go back to England, kiss him, turn and walk toward the door and don't look back. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a 26-year-old guy in a relationship for three years with a man a few years older. I hate my job and want to realize my dream of taking a trip around the world, spending a year, staying in cheap hotels, eating peculiar food, getting lost in ancient cities and being bitten by unusual bugs. I don't mind quitting my job and I can save up the money; the problem is my boyfriend. He is reluctant to take a year out of his life when he should be building his career -- sometimes he wants to come with me, and then he doesn't -- and meanwhile, my plans are on hold, waiting for him to make up his mind. I am afraid that if I go without him, it will be the end of our relationship, but I am equally afraid that if I don't go at all, I will regret it for the rest of my life. What can I do? Traveler Dear Traveler, You're at the absolute perfect point in your life to do this and you should. A person needs to give himself some large experiences. If someday you find yourself stuck in a bad job again, at least you can summon up memories of your Atlantic passage on the freighter, your bus trip across Turkey, your month in India, the little hotel in Alice Springs, the week in Sydney and so forth. And when you do it at the age of 26, it's indelible. Don't let the relationship hold you back. Plan the trip, set a date, give your boyfriend plenty of notice so he can come along if he wishes. And then go. With him or without him. All of us old people who spent our 20s building our careers wish you Godspeed. Dear Mr. Blue, I was a poor starving writer who, in a moment of desperation, took a job with a start-up Internet company. Now, just a few years later, I'm richer than my wildest dreams. Poor me, right? Most of my friends are of the starving artist variety, and when we dine out, I'd like to pick up the check, remembering all too well what it was like to live under the yoke of money worries. Is there a graceful way for me to pay the tab without acting like Mr. Big Shot? Lucky One Dear Mr. Lucky One, You can pick up any check you like and probably people will resent it and why not? If they're really your friends, then go to the joints where they dine out and where the check is small and it doesn't matter who pays, and skip the ritzy cafes where the nouveau riche feast on the $18 grilled cheese sandwich and the $32 chili. You can take them to a fancy place and pick up the tab if a Big Occasion warrants it -- say, for your pre-wedding dinner, for the christening of your child, for the publication of your first book ("Call Me Mr. Big Shot") or for the night before you are hanged. But check the NASDAQ first. Those wild dreams may not have quite come true yet. Dear Mr. Blue, I am friends with a wild, fun woman with whom I work, and we have both recently found ourselves single. So she and I are going out regularly, drinking scotch, meeting various men and sometimes "staking claims" on certain men that each of us fancies in particular. I have found myself thinking a lot about one man that she has chosen for herself. He and I flirted a lot when we were all hanging out, and I know that she isn't terribly serious about him, but I somehow feel that to pursue anything would be to betray the girl code. What do you think? Hesitant Dear Hesitant, Your letter is terribly informative and confirms what we guys have always imagined, that romance is no accident, that women get together and conduct a draft and divvy up the available talent and the next day a guy looks up and a woman is walking across the room and smiling at him. This is why so many guys don't bother to buy flowers or host candlelit dinners or declare their love; they know it's all been prearranged, that a single guy is simply waiting for consignment. As for your question, my dear, you should take your guilty hesitance to mean that it's wrong to pursue him. Your conscience is talking to you, and Mr. Blue doesn't care to get between you and your conscience.
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