Mr. Blue is sitting at his desk trembling in shock, young people, having realized that he has just saved a small document onto his laptop and thereby erased his column for today. Yes. A bad moment. The computer asked (Y/N) if he was sure he wanted to replace SALON.APR and Mr. Blue was sure, and thereby a whole lot of work went back to being protons. (Is there a Mr. Green whom I could write a sorrowing letter to and get back some sympathy and a word of wisdom? Yes, I know, the word is "backup.") Maybe this is the price of a long vacation in Rome and London, or maybe my job skills have atrophied and I should find less demanding work. Oh well. Onward.
Dear Mr. Blue,
For the past two years I have been in a solid, committed relationship with a solid, committed man whom I love, who is everything my boyfriends in the past were not: dependable, emotionally stable, financially secure, loving and loyal. I am 24 and he is 25. The problem is, we have very little in common. I love books, artsy movies and the like, and he is strictly business. He works in the financial world and would be perfectly content with a world devoid of many of the things I feel so passionately about. I find our conversations -- well, boring. To make matters worse, I am a liberal Democrat and he is a Republican. I am steadily building a life with this man, a prospect I find both wonderful and worrisome. I cannot imagine loving a better, kinder soul. But I often wonder what it would be like to love someone who shares my interests. Is it possible to make such a relationship work? Or should I cut my losses before we get any deeper?
Torn
Dear Torn,
I'm all in favor of bipartisan romance, but your letter raises two red flags, and you should ponder them. First, you seem to link your love for this man to the behavior of the bad boyfriends in the past; and second, to say that your conversations are boring is -- well, sort of devastating. No? Maybe you need to educate yourself in the subjects that this solid guy finds interesting. Republicans are basically excited by three things: earning money, the Clintons and the moral decline of the United States, but perhaps he has some other interest, like fly-fishing or the bond market or the works of Louis L'Amour, that you could learn about. Otherwise, you know, there are financially secure Democrats around who read books and go to artsy movies. In fact, many of them are in the book and artsy movie business.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I have been happily married for over a year now. My husband is affectionate, funny and agreeable, and except for occasional money woes (and who doesn't have those?) we hardly ever disagree. My concern is that so many married people keep telling me to wait, that this is only the "honeymoon" period. Are these people right, or are they just terminally negative? Are there any signs I should be looking for now? I don't want this happiness to end.
Clueless
Dear Clueless,
Your friends have a dark sense of humor. Ignore them. Don't base your life on the unhappiness of other people. This is the time for you and your sweet husband to be free and adventurous with each other, not worrying about what happens next. You want to cut loose and have big experiences together -- float down the Snake River, drive Route 66, hike the Appalachian Trail, bum around Europe for a month, do whatever suits your fancy -- and learn to have a great time together. Hit the heights, so you know where they are. The absence of discord isn't the crucial thing: You want to discover a mutual lightheartedness and joy in each other's company and learn how to create it, and learn the habit of daily cheerfulness and agreeability and humor. Don't look for trouble; it'll come on its own. Enjoy your life.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm a 50-year-old divorced mother of an 18-year-old daughter. Fifteen years ago I moved from New York to Jerusalem with my husband, and now I'm middle-aged, without a partner and my daughter is an Israeli about to do National Service. I'd love to move back to New York, but she is adamant about staying here. Unfortunately, there are no eligible men in my age range in Jerusalem. The problem is, even though my daughter is "grown-up," she is also handicapped and more than a bit insecure and needs me. Also, I'd be fairly miserable without her -- she's funny and has a great slant on things and can always prop up my mood. We have a really great relationship. Can I ask her to leave country, family and friends to try out a new life? Should I resign myself to being partnerless forever? Should I try harder to convince her?
Stuck in the Sand
Dear Stuck,
Stay put for now, make do and don't subject this terrific kid to a lot of stress. At her age, things can change fast, and in a couple years, or three, or four, she could be completely independent and not need you except for occasional amusement. Or she might be in a mood to try Manhattan. But don't lean on her now. And don't "resign" yourself to anything. Take up belly dancing, ride horses bareback through the surf, climb mountains, learn Arabic, anything but resignation.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I've been married for five months to the best guy I've ever known in my life. We are in our late 20s, settled in a nice apartment, saving for a house, considering getting a dog; in short, acting like grown-ups. Also, I just got my first-ever full-time writing job. So, statistically speaking, things are good. The only problem is that we don't seem to be intimate much now that we've gone off and gotten hitched. There's lots of hugging and kissing and cuddling while we watch movies, but not much beyond that. My husband is tired a lot and our schedules just don't seem to mesh. I know that "they" say marriage brings an eventual decline in the frequency of sex, but after only five months? Yikes. What am I doing wrong here?
Boring Newlywed
Dear Boring,
It's a problem of communication. You're both very nice people and perhaps were a little too well brought up and so you find it awkward to indicate frank erotic interest to your partner and you sit on the couch watching movies and wishing the other one would make a move. Every couple has its own code -- some people put Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring" on the CD player, other people use code words like "pickle" or "corned beef," some people issue sex certificates good for redemption by either partner with six hours' notice, some people schedule sex (Tuesdays and Fridays at 10:15 p.m., and the first Sunday of every month), some just sit picking insects off each other and grunting -- but people do work it out somehow. If you're cuddling, you're on the right track: Just locate the relevant buttons and move ahead.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm a professional writer, a pretty good one. For the last year, I've been working on a memoir about my relationship with my father. Suddenly I realized that everything I've ever tried to write was really about him, and I discovered within myself an ability to remain focused and dedicated in a way I never thought I'd be capable of.
Though this is definitely a labor of love, my dad has never been in danger of winning the father of the year award. He's had a drinking problem most of his life, and much of what I need to express about our relationship won't be flattering. I love working on this book and I'm certainly not writing out of revenge, but when I imagine my father reading it, guilt can drive me away from my writing desk for days. Is it wrong to expose another person's mistakes, even when those mistakes caused you a lot of pain? And if not, at what point do I allow him to read the work? I certainly don't want his first encounter with it to be in a bookstore!
Tattletale
Dear Tattletale,
If your purpose here is to expose your father's mistakes and your own pain, it sounds vengeful to me, and perhaps your guilt is well-founded. Of course you have a right to deal with your own life including his part in it, but the book will have to be its own justification. If it's a terrific book, then I suppose you can feel it justifies the pain you'll cause him, and if it's simply cruel and all about his unworthiness, then you're simply an angry child. You might tell him you're writing a memoir and that he's in it, and you might discuss these things with him, even if you've done so in the past. And when you finish the book, you might hold onto it for a year or two or four or five and make sure it's what you want.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I need a man's point of view on this. I've been in a relationship with someone I work with for 14 months. I am in love with this man. But I don't know if he's crazy about me or doesn't have any room for me (more of the latter than the former). He'll talk about us taking a trip, etc., but nothing comes of it. He'll make plans to have dinner, but when I show up, he's already had dinner. He asked me to accompany him on a trip to Europe but has backed off. He sent me flowers for Valentine's Day but made plans with another couple to have dinner at their home (without me). It's the mixed signals that are driving me nuts. I'm starting to feel lonely in this relationship. Please help me.
Consternated
Dear Consternated,
I can only offer a guess, but even if one allows for some social immaturity on his part, it does seem that you and he have differing views of your relationship, and to him it's pretty casual. And maybe he's indicating a loss of interest. So take a step back. Don't call him. Take a break. Let him figure out how he feels and you go on with your life. You don't need him to take you to Europe. Take some vacation time, if you can, and find a cheap ticket and head off to Europe on your own steam, and don't be shy about letting people at work know about it.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am 36, have a good job and a master's degree, am nice looking, financially stable, bathe every day and can't get any dates. Women tell me I'm wonderful, but they turn me down when I ask. I do not understand this situation I am in.
Nice Guy
Dear Nice,
Let's just assume that you've been working too hard at that good job and you've become a dull boy. You've taken on nerdish qualities without being aware of it. Buy yourself some classy clothes and get your hair cut, not at Bob the Barber with the colored pole but at the glossy place where slim-hipped stylists in black turtlenecks charge you $100.
Your sexual anxiety may put women off, too. Women tend not to be attracted to needy men who women can sense will need a lot of bucking up and remedial education. So learn to be more diffident. Don't look for a Date. Hang out with women you like, and invite them to group things, parties, big group dinners, that don't imply coupleship. Learn to allow a woman to take the lead in a conversation, and in a friendship, and you be Mr. Cool.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am in a quandary about a dear friend of mine. Less than two years ago she married a man whom I thought irresponsible and not nearly good enough for her. Now she's on the verge of filing for divorce. I have sat through so many weddings that I feel never should have taken place and then watched as my friends eventually regretted their decision. I wonder if I should have said something at the time. It feels dishonest now that I didn't. My quandary is that I feel so sorry for her and want to be supportive and respectful without seeming happy that she's finally getting out from this terrible situation. I just want to be there for her now that she needs my support and I'm wondering how to do just that. Any advice?
Saddened
Dear Saddened,
I don't know of anyone who cautioned a friend against a romance who didn't pay a big price for it, frankly. When people get into the millrace of a big, improbable love, they don't look for cautionary advice, they look for endorsement. Maybe there's some Machiavellian way to keep our friends away from that cliff, but it's problematic, since the friends and their lovers tend to make themselves scarce. You don't see hide nor hair of them for months and then you get the wedding invitation. As for your divorcing friend, you simply resume the friendship and you do not bring up the topic of the marriage and when she talks about her husband, you listen and you don't comment. She's not looking for historical analysis, just your company, your affection and a little hopeful good humor.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I was engaged to a guy after dating him for a couple of years. Unfortunately, the engagement only lasted six months and we broke up. This was almost three years ago. But I'm still in love with him. I've been with my current boyfriend for almost a year, a great person, but I'm not in love with him. I am incapable of falling in love with anyone else, and I'm not sure I want to. I'm going to be moving out of state in a couple of months and I'd like to see him before I go. Would I look like a total fool if I called him and asked if we could have coffee or something before I leave?
Still in Love
Dear Still,
An invitation to coffee is never a bad thing in my book. It's a civil thing to do. If more people invited more people to have coffee, this would be a better world. We would sit and sip and realize that, despite our stubborn natures and tumultuous desires and all that is perverse in our makeup, we are all eminently likable and basically decent. But that's all a cup of coffee is going to teach you. That he's a nice guy, your old flame, and that you have good taste in people. Three years is a little long to carry on this one-sided romance. Why live a tragic opera? I recommend comedy. Much better lines, more fun and the sex is better, too.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am concerned about my oldest son, 21, who has flunked his way to almost finishing sophomore year at a large Midwestern state university. I love this earnest, wonderful, sweet young man who obviously isn't interested in academics, but is smart, not afflicted with ADHD, has thankfully passed beyond a period of high-school interest in pot, lives rent-free in an apartment owned by his granddad, works part time at a gas station, goes to wildly unusable classes (Latin and human sexuality), has no money.
I wonder: Do I shell out tuition and give him something for living expenses and continue the free ride? Or insist he come out to California where we live and take a two-year course in something tangible like Web page design? Or cut him loose and just hope he doesn't get sucked down into the quagmire of his situation? We are well-off and can help him for a few more years, but I really don't know when to politely bow out of active participation.
Loving Mother
Dear L.M.,
If the sweet boy is making no progress in school (and it would appear he isn't) then give him another semester, another year at the most, but that has to be the end of it, and he must decide about Work, what sort he wants to do and what training he needs. Nobody of sound mind and body who is 21 years old should be living rent-free; it goes against nature and is damaging to his dignity. If the boy doesn't have money to pay rent, then he has services to offer his granddad.
It's not good to shield the child from the fundamental realities: stoves burn, knives cut, apartments cost. Your idea about offering him a two-year-course in Web page design is sensible enough -- there's a big growing industry out there and you can get real jobs with no college degree required -- but the success of the plan depends on your son's willingness to stop coasting and get traction. It can be hard on a kid to have well-off parents willing to bankroll a few years of dreaminess.
On the other hand, some kids take longer to bake. Whatever you do, try to do it without raising your voice. No stalking back and forth and gesturing to the heavens. You help him firmly over this last high ridge of childhood, and he'll glimpse the promised land of Adult Life where you can do dumb things, take your chances and never have to ask Mom for money, and he'll be glad to go there.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm a 41-year-old guy, divorced for 10 years, enjoying dating, but I don't know how to break up. I dread hurting anyone's feelings, whether it's been one date or one year: Saying "I don't want to see you anymore" is the hardest thing in the world. So I put it off way too long, or resort to subterfuge, which ends up being more hurtful. Instructions, please.
Gutless
Dear Gutless,
Don't prolong a breakup. Don't pretend to discuss matters when you've already made up your mind. Breaking up isn't an indictment, it doesn't require long hearings and the presentation of evidence, not the simple sort of breakup you're talking about. Usually, one person initiates the breakup on behalf of both partners, and you don't need to say, "Fie on you, O hairy-legged troll, shadow my door no more!" It's more like, "You're a wonderful person but we're not right for each other, and why go deeper and deeper into these woods?" And then break, cleanly and firmly. One breaks up with another out of respect for them and a refusal to inflict pain, not out of anger or contempt. One breaks up because one is brave and doesn't fear loneliness so much as one fears cruelty, especially one's own.
unpacking my life
Their Father is a Transsexual Woman
The plight of the single, middle-aged newcomer in Smalltown
The blank page and me. (more writer's block horror)
October 25, 2002