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I've fallen madly in love with a woman whom I adore, but she's Catholic
and I'm Jewish. We both feel tremendous ties to our respective religions,
and my parents are strongly against my marrying a non-Jew. So starting a family with this
woman would possibly tear another family apart. I also feel I have a duty
to my ancestors who've sacrificed so much to perpetuate a Jewish lineage.
I know children of interfaith marriages, and I have yet to see one where the child is
instilled with any sense of Jewish traditions. So what should I do? Capulet Montague
Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Capulet, Mr. Blue doesn't have a lot of faith in the power of mad love to work miracles, and you don't either, apparently, and so you've made a good case for saying goodbye to this adorable Catholic woman and finding a Jewish woman to fall madly in love with. So that's what you should do. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 44, married to a man who has two beautiful daughters from a previous marriage. He and I married when I was 38; I had long since given up any hopes of marriage, let alone having children. I have now been pregnant four times, and have suffered four miscarriages. I am living unhappily on the horns of this dilemma. I am despairing and inconsolable and am ready to leave this marriage for a life of spinsterhood as befits my status. How does one live with this without turning to stone or nursing endless fruitless sniping bitterness about the good fortune of others? Grieving Dear Grieving, I don't have the experience that would give me any grasp of what you're going through, and whatever wisdom I could offer (let time pass, cleave to your loved ones, take a deep breath) would be so glib as to make you want to hurl stale rolls at me. The first thing to do is to find women who've had miscarriages -- perhaps there's a group of such women that meets regularly -- and share your experiences with them and commiserate and air out your despair. Four miscarriages is a lot of grief to endure, and don't endure it alone. Of course there is hope that you might conceive and carry a baby full-term, even at 44 and with your history, and perhaps you want to pursue this -- consult a fertility specialist, put yourself at the mercy of the wonders of science -- but whether you do or don't, you must deal with this pain and try to turn it to good. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 45, divorced for 10 years, and last October I met a man on the Internet. We knew almost immediately that we were meant for each other. He visited me, and two months later I visited him. It was blissful and we both felt we were falling in love and were soul mates. Then he told me that he and his wife are going to marriage counseling to see if there is anything left to save. He says it is just a formality and that once he is through with counseling, he will be able to fall in love with me, but right now is just not available. Should I hang around, continue talking to him every day and wait until this is officially over, or do I need to cut the ties now? Confused Dear Confused, There is no tie to cut. There is only a story that you were told, that you believed and enjoyed, and now you return that book to the library and take out another. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a 45-year-old woman happily married to an artist whom I consider my best friend. No children, by choice. I have satisfying freelance work and we live in a cheap, light-filled, fifth-floor walk-up filled with art, books, movies, music, cats and souvenirs of our travels; and a spectacular panorama of San Francisco out the bay windows. We don't have money but don't seem to care much. It seems like days and days and days can go by without my leaving the apartment. My idea of the good life seems to be puttering around the place unwashed, reading a book here, listening to an opera there, petting the cats, gazing out the window, e-mailing, watching tapes of "The Sopranos," thinking about my book. I worry that this is somehow ... wrong. Is my life pathetic inertia? Will I end up lonely regretting a life unlived? Happy & Anxious Dear H&A, If you're having a good life there in your fifth-floor walk-up, enjoy it and God bless. Please don't give up bathing entirely, and please don't entertain fantasies about the Sopranos being your own family, and please don't make the cats your confidantes. Talking to yourself is OK, especially in Italian. But do get outdoors at least every other day, so that you don't start building a wall between In Here and Out There. And you need the exercise. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a big mess right now. I am 27, a professional woman, attractive, well-educated, outgoing, with good friends. I have been dating a man for almost two years and we've been incredibly happy together, but after a couple fights recently, I left for vacation with a friend for a week. (My boyfriend couldn't go because he was starting a new job.) Upon my return he tells me that he's thought about our future and doubts that we're right for each other, doesn't think we "bring the best out in each other." I am so confused and heartbroken. I feel that this is so unfair that he's making the decision himself, rather than working it out, that he's ready to give up on us! Aren't doubts normal in a relationship? I love him. Up to a week ago he seemed completely in love with me. I've told him how much I love him and want to work things out. I've said everything I can say. What do I do now? And if we do break up, and my heart gets broken worse than I feel now, is there any chance I will meet and fall in love again in time to get married and have kids, both of which I desperately want? I feel I may have wasted A LOT of time with this guy, who despite his words of love was never going to really commit to me. I just can't imagine that there is someone else out there who is worth my time. I'm at the end of my rope. Brokenhearted Dear Broken, Let the gentleman have his head and find his own way, and
if he decides to return, he'll return wiser, and if he carries through on the
breakup, then consider it a done deal and be grateful that the blow-up
came now and not 10 years from now. You love him and of course it'll
be hard, but don't make it any harder than it has to be. Enroll in Mr.
Blue's 90-Day Drill for the brokenhearted. Eat lightly, get lots of
exercise and push yourself to new physical goals, avoid alcohol, withdraw
a little from social life and apply yourself to learning something you've
long wanted to learn -- French, swimming, arc welding, Japanese
cooking -- and subject yourself to some healthy introspection, an
examination of your life, your virtues and weaknesses, your habits. It's a
desolate time and put it to good use. In a year, you'll be able to imagine
meeting someone else. Somebody from Italy.
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