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I have a strong personality. I'm a good listener and a solid friend. But I
am loud. And talkative. And I laugh a lot. I have found that many men ask
me out based on my looks and then are turned off by my personality. I
like my personality. I have tried to be cool and aloof, and it lasted a few
minutes and didn't feel right. Should I tame myself down for the first few
dates, or should I just be me and let the dice roll where they may? Teetering
Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Teetering, Generally it's wise not to strategize in matters of the heart, and to simply be yourself, but "loud" and "talkative" and "laugh a lot" describes a broad range of behavior, at one end of which you find a harridan who talks your face off in a voice that can remove wallpaper and shrieks at her own jokes. Do you have an internal monitor that tells you if you're getting out of hand? Men have a hard time with shrillness: It's not that we dislike assertive women, it's that a certain pitch distresses us. You hear it sometimes in a crowded room, a woman shrieking and cackling, and you can see every man in the joint cringe and smile in gratitude that he is not with That Woman. Dear Mr. Blue, I have a wonderful younger sister who has, for about two years now, been seeing a loud, overbearing buffoon. He is always offending someone and he often upsets her, though she doesn't tell him so. I do not believe that their relationship is healthy for her, and I do not approve of it. Her happiness is very important to me. My parents are both responsible people and have met her boyfriend, and I think it is their business to intervene, and not mine. What's a big sister to do? Worried Dear Worried, If you really want to wreck this romance, be a friend to the boyfriend. Don't be aloof, don't reject him, don't criticize him to your sister: This will only cement the relationship. Befriend him. A friend can do so much more damage than an enemy can. Be a pal and learn his secrets and praise him to your sister. Faint praise, the poisoned kind that can destroy him in her eyes. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 22, a recent college graduate who just broke up with the man I thought was The One. Part of the problem was that I was quite depressed. I'm working on the depression with therapy, etc., and it's more under control; now what needs to be decided is where I go next. I have the chance to go to New York or go somewhere I've never been before, where I don't know anyone: Portland, Ore., which, from what I can gather, is just the greenest place on Earth. What do you recommend after a hard breakup? Getting Back on My Feet Dear Getting, If you have New York and Portland to choose between, you have a choice that any of us could envy. New York has Central Park and the Metropolitan Opera, and Portland has roses and the Willamette River and Powell's, a great bookstore, and one could extend the lists of assets and liabilities, but it really comes down to 1) work and 2) what are you looking for? The best reason to go to New York is to find good work and to get the hard-knocks education that a big city offers: You learn a lot about people in New York that you won't learn in, say, Minnesota. Life is a lot looser there; you can have ice cream for breakfast and nobody cares; you can walk around with a weasel in your pocket, or sing arias, or walk on your hands, and people pay you no mind. New York is phenomenally expensive, as you know, and life can be dramatically lonely -- it's no place for someone susceptible to self-pity, I think. If you have a pretty clear idea what you'd do in New York for the first year, then go ahead, but if you're at loose ends, Portland might be an easier place to figure things out. On the other hand, there's always Rome. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a 21-year-old woman in love with a man who proposed to me on Valentine's Day, but my problem is I need affection, and he is the shy type and doesn't know how to give it. I have told him that he needs to put his arms around me and kiss me because it is what I need. I need to be complimented too, but he says he can't think of anything to say and his mind goes blank. I can't marry someone who won't show me love or tell me what it is that he loves about me. But I love him with all my heart and will have a hard time telling him to hit the road. I don't know what to do. Could you please help me? Love Sick Dear Love Sick, You're in the midst of a beautiful dilemma that, hopefully, will last your entire life. You love someone dearly and you are trying to get from your beloved what you need. This is my situation, and my wife's situation, and my mother and father's situation (they're 84 and 86), and everyone else's situation who is lucky. Even Italians. You can stimulate this shy young man by treating him to a show of emotion. Tell him you love him and that you feel he doesn't care about you, and produce some tears for emphasis, and don't be afraid to raise your voice. Don't be subtle about this. Put the hay down where the goats can get it. If he is too dense to take simple direction, then maybe eventually you'll have to point him to the highway, but meanwhile, act up and raise your voice.
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