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Dance of destruction | page 1, 2, 3
I am engaged to a wonderful guy. About five months ago, he and I broke
up and I started seeing someone else. My boyfriend and I got back
together, and I confessed all my sins. He says he forgives me, but he
constantly brings it up (he didn't date anyone), and he is driving me crazy.
I would rather not talk about it anymore. How can I make him feel more
comfortable? Going Crazy
Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Going, Jealousy dwells in every man's heart, a fierce goddess that demands ritual sacrifices. You must ritually belittle your previous men, even if it's only someone you went to two movies with and only kissed lightly on the cheek. You tell your current guy that Mr. Used To Be was intensely boring, had sour breath and was not very bright. You didn't enjoy kissing him, and having sex with him was simply out of the question. You think that maybe he was gay. Also, he knew nothing about politics, had no books in his apartment except for a phone book, was a big fan of the Spice Girls and had never been to Italy. If the jealousy doesn't abate, then you get tough and tell the boyfriend you've done all you can do and if he ever mentions Mr. Used To Be again, you're out of here. Say it and mean it. Dear Mr. Blue, My one-and-a-half year relationship with a sweet, funny, devoted man has ended and I can't get over it. Our sex life had dwindled in the past few months and he said he is just not a passionate person and there was nothing he could do about it. We discussed the issue for months and nothing changed. Thinking a break would spark some passion in him, I agreed that splitting up would be best. Now I want him back to try to work things out, but he won't have anything more to do with "us." I am devastated by the loss of this wonderful man who made me laugh and enjoy life. I've tried talking to him, but he won't budge. I've tried NOT talking to him, but after a few days I miss him so much that I end up calling him and making a fool of myself. I am stuck! What can I do? Can't Get Over His Gettin' Over Me Dear Can't, The dear dispassionate man has finessed you out of his life. You thought that if you left, he'd beg you to come back. You lost the bet. He doesn't want you back and there is undoubtedly a good reason for this: He doesn't love you. Men are not good at breaking up, do it awkwardly, are seldom forthright, but you have to assume that he's an adult and knows what he wants. You already tried to work things out and it didn't work. You can't get over him? OK. Then get over him. The quickest way is to get angry at the dear man and give him one last call and tell him he is an idiot with the sex drive of a head of iceberg lettuce and that breaking up with him was the best thing that ever happened to you and that you've started seeing a guy named Antonio who has taught you more about love in the past 36 hours than Mr. Wonderful showed you in one-and-a-half years. Tell him, "And by the way, if you're thinking of dating again, you really should do something about your breath. Maybe you need to see an endocrinologist." Tell him, "And one more thing. Your hair. That look was over a long time ago. Like, 10 years ago." Tell him, "And one more thing. If you were wondering what you did that made me laugh, it was oral sex. I told Antonio what you did and he laughed until stuff came out of his nose." Dear Mr. Blue, Back in July you gave me good solid advice on how to balance finishing a novel and wedding my wife. Well, it worked. I now have both the wife and the book. Thanks! Now I'm hunting for agents. I have sent out 20 packages (a cover letter, two-page synopsis and the first 30 pages of my baby) to likely prospects. Any advice for rising above the slush pile? Can I bribe these people? What about sending them Polaroids of their kids coming home from school? Any tricks that worked for you? Happy Man Dear Happy Man, Make 20 more packages and send them to all the big publishing firms and any smaller houses that you think highly of, and start thinking about the third shipment. Meanwhile, enjoy your wife's company and don't think about who is reading your package and what they're thinking and what you need to do next. The publishing world is looking for the next John Grisham and J.K. Rowling. If you're not them, then maybe the publishing world can figure out who you might be and who's interested. It's their problem now, not yours. Take your wife to Rome, or at least to an Italian restaurant, and start entertaining thoughts of your next book. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm engaged to a man I love very much and we rarely have disagreements, but there's one big issue we haven't come to grips with, and that's having children. My mom and dad divorced and I have a lot of sad memories of being a kid, and I don't feel a burning need to bring a child into the equation of our marriage. In fact, I'm deeply afraid of the changes it will bring, both between us and in my own life. I am a bookish, quiet type who likes to write long letters and read long novels, and I cherish a dream of publishing a novel myself. He thinks having a family is an important part of what marriage is about, and indeed what life is about. We're so far apart on this, I don't even know how to talk about it. We talk and talk and get nowhere. I don't want to deprive him, but I also don't want to end up sitting at the kitchen table with a vacant stare and greasy hair, wondering how I got here and what happened to that novel. Got any ideas? Stubborn Dear Stubborn, You don't need to resolve this issue before you marry him but you do need to have a meeting of the minds: He needs to know how you feel about having children, as accurately as you can describe. If you're leery of it, if you're opposed but willing to reconsider in a few years, or if you've absolutely closed the door in your own mind: Tell him what's what. And you should have a clear idea how he feels. Clarity, not resolution, is what we're looking for here. It's important to be able to discuss a matter in which you each hold strong feelings. If you're unable to, then you should talk about whether marriage is a good idea for you.
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