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Strangers on a train | page 1, 2, 3
I am 31 and have been in a live-in relationship with a man 12 years older for the past 11 years. We've had our ups and downs, but he loves me and I love him. He is the kindest man I've ever known. We enjoy spending time together, own a home, cars and a cat, have many mutual friends. We are two attractive, professional and intelligent people. And, Mr. Blue, we haven't had sex in years. Years! And we have talked about it, discussed "doing something about it" and nothing happens. I don't know if it is possible with him anymore. And the thought of spending the rest of my life sexless ... well, I just don't think so. Should we part ways? The thought of starting over gives me chest pains. But I feel an essential part of our relationship has died and I just don't think we can get it back. Any advice is appreciated since I would never divulge this confidence to anyone I knew personally. Undone
Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Undone, First of all, I hope your man has had a talk with a capable internist about this. There might be some simple problem hovering here that a doctor could divine. And the simple act of going to a professional and saying, "I don't seem to be able to have sex" can, in itself, be therapeutic. To get the dark secret out of the trunk and onto the table. Then there is the dynamic between the two of you to consider. Sometimes two perfectly normal people can reach an impasse and be unable to get around it. A mutual fear that the other person doesn't want to have sex. A mutual feeling of unattractiveness. A reluctance to cross the line and perhaps make a fool of oneself. All sorts of things can go wrong. I am old-fashioned, though, and believe that lust is powerful and that a heterosexual male and a heterosexual female, placed in secure proximity, will find a way to rip the clothes off the other and fornicate for all they are worth. Before you decide to part ways, you should experiment with seduction. Candles, music, food and a low-cut blouse. Don't be too subtle. Seminudity, then nudity, and dim lights and music. You don't accomplish this by serious discussion of subtle nuances; you drop your robe and you say, "Touch me." Dear Mr. Blue, My husband and I have been married for a little over a year, and most of the time, it is wonderful and warm and I wouldn't trade it for anything -- he is sweet and caring and normal. The problem is, there are times when I just want to be alone. Not in-the-next-room alone, really ALONE alone. When this happens, I feel myself getting distant from him, which makes him clingy, which makes me worse, which makes him clingier, etc. We have talked about it and I've tried to explain that I just need a lot of space sometimes. I find myself having fantasies of moving away and having my own space and not being tied down to anybody. Is this normal and what can I do about it? Greta Dear Greta, The way to do it is to do it. If you need to be alone, then find a way to go away. You want to be alone, and that's fine, but don't make it a rejection: Find a reason to be someplace else and then be there. It's not that hard. Writers have the perfect excuse, and probably most literary effort is merely to mask the writer's need for solitude. This only grows as you get older, by the way. You weary of small talk and the burden of company and suddenly Wyoming starts to look very attractive. But don't tell your husband that you "need space." Tell him you're writing a novel. Much easier. Dear Mr. Blue, One of my best friends is getting married in March, and he and his brother organized a bachelor party that includes a chartered bus ($40 each), dinner at an expensive restaurant (another $40 at least) and a trip to a local casino to gamble (at least another $50). This is a terrible week moneywise, you know, mortgage, food for the three kids, gas bills, etc. I've told the groom and his brother I just can't swing it, but they are going ahead. What to do? Not go? Drive myself? Skip dinner and the bus? Hope I can win back the money at the blackjack table? Confused and Broke Dear C&B, You can't swing it, so don't go, and don't apologize. It isn't the height of brotherly love to throw a party that costs your pals $130 apiece, but that's their business. But don't go, pretending that you have the dough. It's no shame to be short on cash -- that's a basic principle of civilized life -- and anybody who makes you feel bad about it is a heel. If you throw a party, it's supposed to be free. Dear Mr. Blue, I have a little problem. I am about to get married in April to a wonderful yet very boring man. We are both 19, but we love each other with all of our hearts. For the past month I have been seeing someone. Me and Someone have had so much fun. We go out different places and just have fun together. My problem is, I'm starting to like this Someone. I'm also having second thoughts about my marriage. Part of me thinks I like this Someone because he is giving me something that my fiancé can't. I know I don't love the other guy. It's just the fact that I am now really confused about what I really want and what is best for me. Any suggestions? Confused Dear Confused, Stop. Do not pass Go. Do not get married in April. First of all, you have no business marrying a boring man. Especially not a very boring man. You can't be partners with someone whom you consider less than an equal. Somehow you became engaged to him, because at several steps along the way you hesitated to hurt his feelings, or you thought that things would work out, but now they haven't. You have enlisted this Someone as a device to get you free of the Very Boring Man. Good for you. Use him. Tell the VBM that you are not sure of your feelings. If he is a good person, he'll accept this and not lean on you hard, not whimper, not berate you, and then you should consider yourself free to be with the Someone, to be with someone else, to learn more about yourself and where your young life is headed. Dear Mr. Blue, I have been married for 15 years to a man who spends his life driving a truck. He drives about the country, and I raise our daughter and care for our home and try to make my life as full and rich as I can, and have done pretty well at this. I enjoy my work, attend college, have bright and loving friends and am close to my parents. Until recently, this was rich enough. And then, recently, celebrating my 40th birthday with friends, I was caught off guard by the flirtatious advances of a very attractive man, and it struck me that I am so very lonely for companionship. I have tried to improve my marriage the last 10 years and my husband is very clear on not wanting to work with me on that. I would rather be alone than be lonely with someone. My biggest fear is living on my meager income and my daughter having to do without some of the financial comforts she has always had. What should I do? Alone and Married Dear Alone, You're right, you have done pretty well -- better than pretty well, very well, terrifically well -- at making a life and I am going to assume that your husband has, too. He's in a tough line of work and has made it work for him, and no doubt he finds it a great pleasure to come in off the road and see his family, happy, thriving, well provided for. A man who does well in the trucking life has many good character traits and these may not include the ability to sit with you in a counselor's office and talk about his feelings and his view of the marriage. I don't know how you've tried to improve your marriage but if you're expecting your husband to transform himself, it's too much to expect. Loneliness is part of life, I'm afraid, and it comes and goes, and one does not take desperate measures to alleviate it: A certain cheerful stoicism works well, and then one accepts all the gifts of companionship that come along. Of which you've received many. Your situation does have certain advantages, as you must admit. You are more in charge of your life, with this absentee husband, and free to have those good friends, whether they're his friends or not, and free to be closer perhaps to your parents than you could be were he always on the scene. You're like those sailors' wives who waved goodbye to their men for six months or a year, and then went about organizing their lives and creating a sort of matriarchal society. The cost is clear, and dramatic, but the benefits are very real. I suggest you wait out this wave of sadness and contemplate the good life you've made. If you decide that the marriage needs to change, then be straight with your husband and tell him that it doesn't work for you anymore and tell him what needs to be different. Do this as thoughtfully and lovingly as you can. But don't let the thrill of flirtation lead you to something impulsive that you'll regret.
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