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The man of my dreams
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Feb. 22, 2000 |
There were many responses to last week's letter from Hurting, a woman whose male friend
broke off with her because (she felt) he had become sexually attracted to her and who
wondered if her other male friends might betray her and if friendship between men and
women is indeed possible. One young woman writes: I am 36, married and have four children. I have two very dear male friends who I talk to
often, e-mail often, and they have visited my home. They are my friends, not my husband's,
and there is no sexual tension; it is genuine friendship. I know this is a rare thing, but with
the right intentions, it can be accomplished.
Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. And another woman writes: Men do not consider it a betrayal to suddenly vanish from a friendship. If I show up 15 minutes late when I'm going to visit a guy, he thinks nothing of it; women are upset. If I cancel a dinner with a male pal at the last minute, he will just say, "No big deal, catch you next time." Women are upset. Women have a (sometimes) hidden agenda of being dependent on a man, which comes from their concern that if they were to get pregnant they would need to depend on him. This is such a basic need they tend to evaluate all men using this yardstick: "Is he responsible?" Men, on the other hand, place a premium on being able to get the job done, on their own. It's a badge of honor for a man to say, "No big deal." He can fend for himself. Even in friendship, women evaluate men as protectors. Hurting should realize the man was treating her as he might a male friend. For now he's vanished, but he might turn up in six months, ready to resume the friendship. If she wants to have male friends, she should make sure she is independent enough to not depend on them. She shouldn't have male friends and underneath it all have expectations they will act like boyfriends. And on the subject of snoring, a man writes: I lived with a seismic-level snorer for one semester in college, and by midterm my other roommate and I were plotting ways to make his death look like a suicide. I can easily imagine his wife not wanting to endure 30 years of it. Medical science may not have cured cancer or the cold, but they have come up with a lot of ways to deal with snoring. I recommend he see a specialist. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a 47-year-old lawyer dating a 32-year-old poet, the man of my dreams -- smart, funny, kind, strong -- though I do wish we were closer in age. It took him a while, but after a year together he finally told me he loves me, and I believe he does. We enjoy our time together, we miss each other when we're apart, we make each other laugh. Two weeks ago, perhaps emboldened by his declaration of love, I had a heart-to-heart with him about "the future." I wanted to know if he thought we would ever live together. Last night, he told me that he really can't see us together in 10 years. He said he's very happy with the way things are now, he loves me and is not interested in anyone but me. But he has no interest in moving in together. And he's bothered by the absence of the "passion" that he felt in past relationships. He was devastated by the unfaithfulness of his last love and was still writing bitter poems about her when I met him. He said that he's waited for the feeling of being "madly in love" to arrive, and it hasn't. He'd like to continue with things as they are, but I don't know if I can, or should. I love him dearly, I can't imagine his absence, but I don't want to be an idiot. I know there are no guarantees in love (I'm a divorce lawyer, for heaven's sake!), but I like to have at least a basis for hope. What do you think? Should I stay or should I go? Lawyer in Love Dear Lawyer, Young Lochinvar has been pretty straight with you and now you have to be honest with yourself. What do you want? Do you have a longing to be a couple and see two toothbrushes in the holder and jockey briefs in the top drawer and guy stuff in the front closet? Or is this guy It, no matter what? Clearly he's still getting over the previous lady and he's brutally frank about this in admitting a lack of passion. If I were in love with a woman and she looked me in the eye and said she felt a lack of passion for me, I would reach for my car keys, figuring she had asked me to leave, but you're you and probably a better person than I and more patient. And he is a poet and these people tend to be dark: When he says he can't see you together in 10 years, this might be metaphorical and simply mean that he's having a bad day. I mean, poets look at a bare tree and see death, they look at a stone and see their dead grandmother. I think you should give this romance a little more time, and I think you should be careful with your heart: Don't lunge, don't long for someone who is cool toward you. Practice the art of friendly detachment. Uncommit yourself. Dear Mr. Blue, I have been married for a couple of years to a really lovely man who treats me like a princess, and everything's groovy. Except every time we are with his family (holidays, random weekends), they drive me insane with their backward, bigoted, isolationist, ignorant, intolerant political views. Not a visit goes by that some racial slur or some stupid remark about liberals or immigrants doesn't escape their mouths. They are otherwise a kind bunch, very giving and affectionate, but not very well read, which contributes to their political idiocy. My husband doesn't share their politics but neither does he dispute them; he dismisses it as a factor of their upbringing in the South in the '50s and says I should just be tolerant. But it is emotionally exhausting to be around them. There's going to come a point when I lose it completely and offend them and cause problems between my husband and his family. I have just found out that I'm pregnant and I am terrified of the influence they'll have on my child. How can I get them to shut up? Frustrated Dear Frustrated, Rednecks don't shut up, certainly not at the request of a woman in-law, especially not in their own homes. So don't expect them to, and don't lose your temper, and don't bug your husband about it. Pretend you're an anthropologist in the field and collect data on these guys. Take notes. Keep a record of all the trash they talk that particularly gets you steamed. And when you can't take it anymore, go in the kitchen and wash dishes and sing. I've done that when I couldn't take the company, and it always made me feel better. Something like "Frankie & Johnny" or "Lovesick Blues" or "Keep on the Sunny Side." Redneck politics doesn't countenance disagreement, so don't bother. Let them spout.
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