To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > Books Feb. 1, 2000 URL: http://www.salon.com/books/col/keil/2000/02/01/out_there Tying the knot Can a selfishly hedonistic guy find true domestic happiness after a life of frivolity? - - - - - - - - - - - - By Garrison Keillor Dear Mr. Blue, I'm 48 and have been seeing a woman on and off for almost 12 years. I've broken it off a couple times in the hopes she would find someone to give her the stable relationship she wants, but we always get back together. I love this woman. She is without a doubt my best friend. I'm a freelance illustrator whose income is extremely sporadic and minimal. I make barely enough to support myself. I am also cursed with wanderlust. I spend my winters in Mexico near the ocean. I love to fish, camp on the beach, dive and gallivant about in my van with my dog. It's a simple life that I love. Recently she broke down crying, telling me how truly miserable she was, and how it was all my fault. I thought it over and a couple weeks later asked her to marry me. (She is thinking about it.) I told myself it was time to step up and do the right thing. If marrying her will bring her happiness, then I am now willing to try to make her as happy as I can. Lately, in this optimistic aura, I am beginning to see how much this union will enrich my life and wonder what took me so long to feel this way. What I ask from you, if you would be so kind, is an outsider's view of the situation. Is my reason for wanting to get married valid? Or am I kidding myself that this will make us happy? Can a selfishly hedonistic guy find true domestic happiness after a life of frivolity? Out There in New Territory Dear Out There, After 12 years you two surely know each other better than most people embarking on holy matrimony, and if you go ahead and tie the knot, your marriage should be a happy and comfortable one. This car has been road-tested. This wine can only get better and better. Are you marrying for a valid reason? No, of course not, but it doesn't matter: You love each other and know each other and want each other, and she trusted you when she poured out her heart to you, and you proposed, and you're feeling better and better about this. You may need to draw the line here, though, and make it clear that marriage, for you, does not mean becoming a suit and driving an Audi and hauling down $185,000 a year, all in the name of making her happy. That the van and the dog and the beach may be part of the future. Perhaps she knows this, but it wouldn't hurt to make it clear. All of us suits trudging to work on the frozen tundra would like to think you're going to hang on to the winters in Mexico, the fishing and camping and diving. You owe it to us poor wretches to keep up your life so we can envy you. Dear Mr. Blue, My freelance writing career is simply rejection after rejection after rejection, for three years now. It's just so difficult to penetrate the insular world of publishing, where talent seems to matter not nearly as much as knowing someone or having a file of published clips. I ask people I know -- published writers, former professors -- and they say, "It's wonderful," which only twists the knife in further. It pains me even more when editors respond positively to my queries, yet say they can't publish it because "it's not right for us at this time." Most editors only seem to want to work with writers they already know or who have a more established career than mine. I don't want to give up, but I feel my spirit being broken into pieces. Please help me. Dejected Dear Dejected, I could smooth your hair and stroke your cheek and put a cold compress on your forehead, but I'm not going to. Your spirit isn't broken, you're simply discouraged. Take a moment and look at it from the editor's perspective. Let's say I'm the editor. I'm 48. I expected to be editing the New Yorker by now and instead I'm editing Grommet Monthly and the New York Review of Lag Bolts. I smoke two packs a day and drink 12 cups of coffee. I am in terrible shape. My boss the publisher is a cheap vulgarian in an Armani suit who berates me daily about not winning more awards. My writers are a slovenly sniveling bunch who keep trying to fob off the same old re-refried beans. I want humor, action, beauty -- the ancient elegant grace of grommets brought to life on the page; the profound service that lag bolts have given to mankind, far beyond the usefulness of Donald Trump or Andy Warhol; but why can nobody give me this in writing? -- and I get sodden lumps of manuscripts that by superhuman effort I wrest into semi-readable form. And now you accuse me of being "insular"? My dear, if only there were an island I could go to for refuge, I'd go in a heartbeat. And I would give anything to read something about grommets that arouses even mild interest and amusement. But yes, barring the arrival of a brilliant newcomer, I prefer to work with the mediocrities I know than work with new mediocrities. It's fine that your old professors think your stuff is wonderful, but they're not the ones whose neck is on the block. Mine is. Editors are a dime a dozen. There are thousands of editors who once wielded power in corner offices who now toil as telemarketers in tiny cubicles. Write me something good and I'll print it. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a 23-year-old male student who, when I meet a new woman, easily becomes rather infatuated. But somewhere in the process, my intention is miscommunicated or something does not go right, and I become just her friend. It is a permanent exile. Am I too nice, too self-conscious? I have all these woman friends and no lover. I am surrounded by water and not a drop to drink. Probably Shouldn't Be Bitching Dear Probably, You're right, it's not the worse thing to be surrounded by women friends, and you should enjoy their company. Be a pal. You'll learn a lot. Men who know how to be friends have a great advantage when they find a woman they want to be amorous with. And when you get the chance, in a moment of warmth and confidence, ask your women friends why you don't have a lover. They'll tell you. Dear Mr. Blue, Is it possible for a person to be inherently unhappy? I'm 25 and at a crossroads in a relationship and in my career. It occurs to me that I am not and rarely have been "happy" for extended periods of time. I'm beginning to think happiness is all hype. Am I guilty of selling short? Or do I just need to lighten up? Gloomy Dear Gloomy, So you want Mr. Blue's lecture on happiness, do you, young man? Very well. Ahem, ahem. Happiness lies in small things, passing experiences, accidental encounters, and yes, I think that some people have it in their nature to walk out the door in the morning and, even though beset by deadlines and anxieties, take a certain exhilaration from the dew on the grass, birdsong, a dog going about his dog business, the herd of children waiting patiently for the school bus, the aroma of sod. And other people, even in the flush of success and ease and booming good health, brood over old resentments and anticipate disaster. You're young and your life is starting to take shape. You get to make thousands of little choices that of course affect your disposition, such as whether to drink coffee in the morning or kerosene, whether to put a stone in your shoe or not, how tight to tie the necktie, etc. And I believe that there are times in life when a gloomy person can decide not to be and change. Maybe it's when you get a big scare and mortality looms large and then things turn out all right. The plane bucks and the meal trays bounce off the ceiling and people scream and sob and an hour later you're walking through the terminal toward baggage and your life has changed course. There's a dark spot on your X-ray and you spend a couple of sleepless nights cursing fate and then the dark spot turns out to be your nipple ring. Of course you should lighten up. But just go live your life the best you can. And don't feel gloomy about being gloomy. If you're going to be unhappy, be unhappy in some original and witty way so you can get some pleasure out of it. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 30 years old, dating a man who is 50 and has three daughters. He wants me to marry him, but I am hesitant about having stepchildren and am somewhat uncomfortable about the age difference. He is putting pressure on me to marry him, and I feel "paralysis from analysis" and am lost and confused. I am in love with him, but cannot accept his children at this stage in the game. I feel guilty for this, but this is my gut feeling. Is our age difference too grand?? Is it abnormal to have such a difficult time with stepchildren? Feeling Lost Dear Feeling Lost, Unless the children are small, your relationship to them will be slight. If, say, they are in their teens, they'll be capable of ignoring your presence to a degree that might amaze you. So you really only need think about him, the guy who is anxious to marry. Put him off, in the kindest way you can. Tell him that you are in love with him and that you've thought so hard about marriage that it made you dizzy and now you'd like to have six months of happy companionship during which you don't think or talk about the subject. Ignoring the topic, avoiding using the word, may clarify things for you. If you are speaking to God these days, you could ask Him. But don't proceed further without a little more clarity. Dear Mr. Blue, I've been involved with a man for the past six years who is intelligent, sensitive and caring, who I dearly love. We are both in our 40s and independent. He is fearful of even little commitments such as planning a date a week from now, believing it will take the joy out of the relationship and make his life no longer his own. He was once married to a very dependent and controlling woman. I am not that woman, but he isn't convinced. We've talked about this issue until we're both blue in the face. He is a workaholic who I believe uses his work to hide from the rest of his life. I love him and so much of our relationship is joyful, intimate and fun. Should I accept his faults and enjoy the good or get out of it? Frustrated Dear Frustrated, Enjoy the good. Gosh, yes. I am all for that. Joyful Intimate & Fun is the trifecta: What more does one expect? Transcendent Bliss? As for his spookedness about committing to plans, ignore it studiously, as you would ignore his hump if he were a hunchback, and go ahead and make your own plans. Don't be a slave to his need for spontaneity. If you want to have a dinner party two weeks from today, go right ahead and enjoy it and if he wants to come be part of it, fine, and equally fine if he doesn't. One person's spontaneity is another's prison. Let the gentleman work as hard as he wishes, and you enjoy the J.I.&F. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a black woman married to a Jewish man, both of us university professors. I am 37 and he 47. I am the first person in my family to graduate from college and he comes from a long line of professors. writers, artists, union leaders, etc. My husband and I waffle back and forth about having a child. We seem to take turns each week on who is more opposed to the idea. I think in the end, I am the one who wants a child more, but even I have doubts. I still have not published my first book and I do have dreams of some sort of academic career. Am I being too rational? Selfish? Overly influenced by our society's notion that you are not complete unless you are married with children? Waffler Dear Waffler, You're trying to come to a rational decision on a Large Question that nobody decides rationally, or very few. Children are conceived on the basis of powerful impulse, for the most part, and even when people discuss whether to have one or not, the propelling force is usually the assumption, perhaps stronger in one partner than the other, that children simply are what one has, are an essential part of the normal happy life. Nobody does a cost/benefit analysis on children. There are costs, however, and as long as you're cogitating, you may as well consider them. A child will put some strain on the relationship. It simply will, no matter what, and it may put tremendous strain on it, so if you're in a precarious situation at home, you should think twice. You give no indication that you are, but one should consider this. And is this first book of yours imminent, trembling, waiting to be written? Or is it off in the haze somewhere? By the way, it might help you think about the Question to spend some time taking care of small children. Children are not themselves theoretical, so take an infant on your lap and change its diaper and dandle it on your knee and see what it's like. Ask the infant if you should have a child and put your ear to its little lips and maybe it will tell you. Dear Mr. Blue, We've been living together for close to four years. I am almost 24, he is pushing 30. I am a successful Web site designer, magazine editor, freelance writer and Ph.D. student. He has no degree and hasn't held a steady job in two years. I go to work and school. He tries to invent entrepreneurial schemes that will make him millions on the Internet. (I have never supported him financially, though.) I am spiritual, optimistic and love life. He has been plagued by depression for years. He has many endearing qualities, is sweet and wonderful, has the most adorable smile in the world; he is loyal and understanding, and completely worships me; and I can't imagine my life without him. We broke up once for five months and couldn't seem to stay away from each other, so we stopped trying. Are these just normal jitters that everyone gets, or should I really be paying attention to my fears? Questioning Dear Questioning, What's the question? What jitters? You're afraid that it's not a perfect fit. Well, it isn't, but if you were unsuccessful at breaking up, then I guess you're together, so enjoy it. If I were depressed and struggling, I'd feel phenomenally blessed to be with a successful woman who loves life. And what's wrong with being worshipped? Every relationship has to define itself, and an outsider like Mr. Blue isn't the judge of it. You may be able to help your man with his depression, in all the usual ways, and if you can't, this might be a burden, but don't anticipate trouble. You can't imagine your life without him and there he is, smiling at you. Next question. Dear Mr. Blue, I am in love with a man I know I could marry and be happy with for the rest of my life, and he seems to feel the same way about me. We've been together for just under three years and are to be married this summer. My entire family adores him. We are both about to graduate from medical school. But I don't know if I'm ready to be married to anyone yet. Not even him. I'm 25 and I've always dreamed of traveling the world and helping people in remote areas. I always thought I would devote the first decade of my career to immunizing kids in Africa or running a free clinic in Peru or something. I feel I owe something to the rest of the world for giving me the opportunities that I have. I was born into a smart, goal-oriented family, and as a result, I am fairly successful. I feel that if I settle into wedded bliss, live in relative luxury with a wonderful husband and start a family, I would be giving up a noble pursuit for my own selfishness. I could not imagine losing him, but at the same time I don't want to be saddled with guilt for the rest of my life over letting go of my dreams so easily. Dreamer Dear Dreamer, Do I detect a hint, however faint, that your successful goal-oriented family is pressing you toward this marriage? If this is so, perhaps it's what is unnerving you. There is no harm in postponing the wedding if you feel unready to go through with it. Know that it's your life and you have charge of it; you can't appoint a trustee and expect to be happy. It's not selfish to want marriage and a family: These too are noble pursuits. I'd try to separate the question of the marriage from the question of humanitarian service, if you can. It's romantic to dream of Africa or Peru, but there are needy people all around you, if you want to pay the world what you owe. There are sections of American cities that are as remote from your (and my) life of privilege as Africa is. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 22 and near graduation from college in the East. I am madly in love with my boyfriend in the Midwest and plan to move out to live with him. I am a writer, and have gotten some attractive offers from prestigious graduate programs here in the East, but I miss my boyfriend terribly. My professors tell me I'm making a serious mistake that I'll regret five years from now. This seems excessive. I will still go to grad school in the Midwest, just not to one of the top 10. In terms of literary success, if you work hard and possess some talent, does it really matter where you go to school? Pining Dear Pining, I think you're heading for the Midwest. It sounds as if you are. Your professors will regret this and maybe you too someday, but if you work hard and have talent you can prove them wrong. Yes, of course it matters where you go to school, but in the end a writer floats or sinks according to what she manages to put on paper. Pedigrees are for dogs; writers have to do the work. Of course, you are passing up some opportunities that a 22-year-old Midwestern writer might kill for, or seriously wound, but live boldly and follow your passion, and if this boyfriend is really worth it, you ought to be able to get a story out of him, maybe two. Dear Mr. Blue, I need help. I've been in a terrific relationship with a kind, beautiful man for years, and now I find myself in love with another man even though I'm very happy with my boyfriend. The second guy is an old friend, for whom I have always had strong feelings. We've been talking and e-mailing a lot, and are thinking about spending a weekend together. I want to kiss him so badly, I think I'm going crazy just thinking about it. What should I do? Is it OK to see this second man? How is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? Embarrassment of Riches Dear Embarrassment, When you ask if it's OK to see the second guy, in what sense do you mean "OK"? Do you mean, will you be arrested by the vice squad for double intercourse? No. Will your mother disown you and take your picture off the piano? Probably not. Will you have to return your old Sunday School attendance pins? No, they are yours to keep. Of course you know that spending a weekend with the old friend could very well kill off your terrific relationship with the kind beautiful man. I mean, you do know that, right? These little secrets have a way of leaping out of the drawer. But I am not here to judge you. It's possible to be in love with three people at the same time, maybe four, but it does get to be time-consuming, and most of us don't require that much love. salon.com | Feb. 1, 2000   - - - - - - - - - - - - About the writer Garrison Keillor is the host of the weekly radio show "Prairie Home Companion" and the author of "Me by Jimmy (Big Boy) Valente, as told to Garrison Keillor." For more columns by Keillor, visit his column archive.