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We've been living together for close to four years. I am almost 24, he is
pushing 30. I am a successful Web site designer, magazine editor,
freelance writer and Ph.D. student. He has no degree and hasn't held a
steady job in two years. I go to work and school. He tries to invent
entrepreneurial schemes that will make him millions on the Internet. (I
have never supported him financially, though.) I am spiritual, optimistic
and love life. He has been plagued by depression for years. He has
many endearing qualities, is sweet and wonderful, has the most adorable
smile in the world; he is loyal and understanding, and completely worships
me; and I can't imagine my life without him. We broke up once for five
months and couldn't seem to stay away from each other, so we stopped
trying. Are these just normal jitters that everyone gets, or should I really
be paying attention to my fears? Questioning
Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Questioning, What's the question? What jitters? You're afraid that it's not a perfect fit. Well, it isn't, but if you were unsuccessful at breaking up, then I guess you're together, so enjoy it. If I were depressed and struggling, I'd feel phenomenally blessed to be with a successful woman who loves life. And what's wrong with being worshipped? Every relationship has to define itself, and an outsider like Mr. Blue isn't the judge of it. You may be able to help your man with his depression, in all the usual ways, and if you can't, this might be a burden, but don't anticipate trouble. You can't imagine your life without him and there he is, smiling at you. Next question. Dear Mr. Blue, I am in love with a man I know I could marry and be happy with for the rest of my life, and he seems to feel the same way about me. We've been together for just under three years and are to be married this summer. My entire family adores him. We are both about to graduate from medical school. But I don't know if I'm ready to be married to anyone yet. Not even him. I'm 25 and I've always dreamed of traveling the world and helping people in remote areas. I always thought I would devote the first decade of my career to immunizing kids in Africa or running a free clinic in Peru or something. I feel I owe something to the rest of the world for giving me the opportunities that I have. I was born into a smart, goal-oriented family, and as a result, I am fairly successful. I feel that if I settle into wedded bliss, live in relative luxury with a wonderful husband and start a family, I would be giving up a noble pursuit for my own selfishness. I could not imagine losing him, but at the same time I don't want to be saddled with guilt for the rest of my life over letting go of my dreams so easily. Dreamer Dear Dreamer, Do I detect a hint, however faint, that your successful goal-oriented family is pressing you toward this marriage? If this is so, perhaps it's what is unnerving you. There is no harm in postponing the wedding if you feel unready to go through with it. Know that it's your life and you have charge of it; you can't appoint a trustee and expect to be happy. It's not selfish to want marriage and a family: These too are noble pursuits. I'd try to separate the question of the marriage from the question of humanitarian service, if you can. It's romantic to dream of Africa or Peru, but there are needy people all around you, if you want to pay the world what you owe. There are sections of American cities that are as remote from your (and my) life of privilege as Africa is. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 22 and near graduation from college in the East. I am madly in love with my boyfriend in the Midwest and plan to move out to live with him. I am a writer, and have gotten some attractive offers from prestigious graduate programs here in the East, but I miss my boyfriend terribly. My professors tell me I'm making a serious mistake that I'll regret five years from now. This seems excessive. I will still go to grad school in the Midwest, just not to one of the top 10. In terms of literary success, if you work hard and possess some talent, does it really matter where you go to school? Pining Dear Pining, I think you're heading for the Midwest. It sounds as if you are. Your professors will regret this and maybe you too someday, but if you work hard and have talent you can prove them wrong. Yes, of course it matters where you go to school, but in the end a writer floats or sinks according to what she manages to put on paper. Pedigrees are for dogs; writers have to do the work. Of course, you are passing up some opportunities that a 22-year-old Midwestern writer might kill for, or seriously wound, but live boldly and follow your passion, and if this boyfriend is really worth it, you ought to be able to get a story out of him, maybe two. Dear Mr. Blue, I need help. I've been in a terrific relationship with a kind, beautiful man for years, and now I find myself in love with another man even though I'm very happy with my boyfriend. The second guy is an old friend, for whom I have always had strong feelings. We've been talking and e-mailing a lot, and are thinking about spending a weekend together. I want to kiss him so badly, I think I'm going crazy just thinking about it. What should I do? Is it OK to see this second man? How is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? Embarrassment of Riches Dear Embarrassment, When you ask if it's OK to see the second guy, in
what sense do you mean "OK"? Do you mean, will you be arrested by
the vice squad for double intercourse? No. Will your mother disown you
and take your picture off the piano? Probably not. Will you have to return
your old Sunday School attendance pins? No, they are yours to keep. Of
course you know that spending a weekend with the old friend could very
well kill off your terrific relationship with the kind beautiful man. I mean,
you do know that, right? These little secrets have a way of leaping out of
the drawer. But I am not here to judge you. It's possible to be in love with
three people at the same time, maybe four, but it does get to be time-consuming, and most of us don't require that much love.
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