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Is it possible for a person to be inherently unhappy? I'm 25 and at a
crossroads in a relationship and in my career. It occurs to me that I am
not and rarely have been "happy" for extended periods of time. I'm
beginning to think happiness is all hype. Am I guilty of selling short? Or
do I just need to lighten up? Gloomy
Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Gloomy, So you want Mr. Blue's lecture on happiness, do you, young man? Very well. Ahem, ahem. Happiness lies in small things, passing experiences, accidental encounters, and yes, I think that some people have it in their nature to walk out the door in the morning and, even though beset by deadlines and anxieties, take a certain exhilaration from the dew on the grass, birdsong, a dog going about his dog business, the herd of children waiting patiently for the school bus, the aroma of sod. And other people, even in the flush of success and ease and booming good health, brood over old resentments and anticipate disaster. You're young and your life is starting to take shape. You get to make thousands of little choices that of course affect your disposition, such as whether to drink coffee in the morning or kerosene, whether to put a stone in your shoe or not, how tight to tie the necktie, etc. And I believe that there are times in life when a gloomy person can decide not to be and change. Maybe it's when you get a big scare and mortality looms large and then things turn out all right. The plane bucks and the meal trays bounce off the ceiling and people scream and sob and an hour later you're walking through the terminal toward baggage and your life has changed course. There's a dark spot on your X-ray and you spend a couple of sleepless nights cursing fate and then the dark spot turns out to be your nipple ring. Of course you should lighten up. But just go live your life the best you can. And don't feel gloomy about being gloomy. If you're going to be unhappy, be unhappy in some original and witty way so you can get some pleasure out of it. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 30 years old, dating a man who is 50 and has three daughters. He wants me to marry him, but I am hesitant about having stepchildren and am somewhat uncomfortable about the age difference. He is putting pressure on me to marry him, and I feel "paralysis from analysis" and am lost and confused. I am in love with him, but cannot accept his children at this stage in the game. I feel guilty for this, but this is my gut feeling. Is our age difference too grand?? Is it abnormal to have such a difficult time with stepchildren? Feeling Lost Dear Feeling Lost, Unless the children are small, your relationship to them will be slight. If, say, they are in their teens, they'll be capable of ignoring your presence to a degree that might amaze you. So you really only need think about him, the guy who is anxious to marry. Put him off, in the kindest way you can. Tell him that you are in love with him and that you've thought so hard about marriage that it made you dizzy and now you'd like to have six months of happy companionship during which you don't think or talk about the subject. Ignoring the topic, avoiding using the word, may clarify things for you. If you are speaking to God these days, you could ask Him. But don't proceed further without a little more clarity. Dear Mr. Blue, I've been involved with a man for the past six years who is intelligent, sensitive and caring, who I dearly love. We are both in our 40s and independent. He is fearful of even little commitments such as planning a date a week from now, believing it will take the joy out of the relationship and make his life no longer his own. He was once married to a very dependent and controlling woman. I am not that woman, but he isn't convinced. We've talked about this issue until we're both blue in the face. He is a workaholic who I believe uses his work to hide from the rest of his life. I love him and so much of our relationship is joyful, intimate and fun. Should I accept his faults and enjoy the good or get out of it? Frustrated Dear Frustrated, Enjoy the good. Gosh, yes. I am all for that. Joyful Intimate & Fun is the trifecta: What more does one expect? Transcendent Bliss? As for his spookedness about committing to plans, ignore it studiously, as you would ignore his hump if he were a hunchback, and go ahead and make your own plans. Don't be a slave to his need for spontaneity. If you want to have a dinner party two weeks from today, go right ahead and enjoy it and if he wants to come be part of it, fine, and equally fine if he doesn't. One person's spontaneity is another's prison. Let the gentleman work as hard as he wishes, and you enjoy the J.I.&F. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a black woman married to a Jewish man, both of us university professors. I am 37 and he 47. I am the first person in my family to graduate from college and he comes from a long line of professors. writers, artists, union leaders, etc. My husband and I waffle back and forth about having a child. We seem to take turns each week on who is more opposed to the idea. I think in the end, I am the one who wants a child more, but even I have doubts. I still have not published my first book and I do have dreams of some sort of academic career. Am I being too rational? Selfish? Overly influenced by our society's notion that you are not complete unless you are married with children? Waffler Dear Waffler, You're trying to come to a rational decision on a Large Question that nobody decides rationally, or very few. Children are conceived on the basis of powerful impulse, for the most part, and even when people discuss whether to have one or not, the propelling force is usually the assumption, perhaps stronger in one partner than the other, that children simply are what one has, are an essential part of the normal happy life. Nobody does a cost/benefit analysis on children. There are costs, however, and as long as you're cogitating, you may as well consider them. A child will put some strain on the relationship. It simply will, no matter what, and it may put tremendous strain on it, so if you're in a precarious situation at home, you should think twice. You give no indication that you are, but one should consider this. And is this first book of yours imminent, trembling, waiting to be written? Or is it off in the haze somewhere? By the way, it might help you think about the Question to spend some time taking care of small children. Children are not themselves theoretical, so take an infant on your lap and change its diaper and dandle it on your knee and see what it's like. Ask the infant if you should have a child and put your ear to its little lips and maybe it will tell you.
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