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A charming manipulator | page 1, 2, 3
We've been married for 35 years, shot our children, arrow-like, into the
sky, built successful careers. We get along well, respect one another, but
there's not an ember of passion left glowing, not a scintilla of interest in
sexuality, nor even a flicker of flirtation. I have a worrisome heart
condition, she is exhausted from working 80-hour weeks. I'm gregarious,
she wants to be left alone. She has grown large over the years and I am
unable to get hard the few times a year she evinces an interest. So here I
am, 55, wondering what to do about these troubling circumstances,
cognizant of fleeting time and limited chances for any sexual (or even
sensual) experiences. Damn!? I'd like to feel more alive than I do right
now. Any ideas? Forlorn
Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Forlorn, It's good that you and your wife get along well and respect each other after all these years, and perhaps this is as good as you can expect. One could say, Seek Counseling, but surely you have thought of this. I will be hanged in effigy for saying this, but I think you should consider finding a sexual surrogate. You seem to find yourself boxed into a sad and grievous corner and a good surrogate may be able to help you pleasantly past this dysfunction, which is surely all in your head. This may be better than throwing the marriage into an uproar over your sexual needs, and if you can somehow have a pleasant and sensual time with a surrogate, you may find that you can then be a more loving and confident and imaginative lover to your wife. Sex, really, is such a small thing, crucial as it is, and it's a shame to let this pebble of a problem overturn the matrimonial carriage. The usual American solution is divorce, and the husband takes up with a fresh young thing and the wife goes off and sulks, and there is enormous suffering and misery and guilt and expense. It seems much more civilized for you to try another route. And, most important, you should pay more attention to your wife, coax her to spend time with you in casual and pleasant ways, conversing, dining, walking, going to performances that give you both pleasure -- in effect, start to date her again. Dear Mr. Blue, I have written professionally for many years, first as a reporter, later as a copywriter and now as a technical writer. But my true love is fiction. I have written many thousands of pages in the past 10 years -- two novels, two plays, several dozen short stories. None of them published. (I consider them my apprenticeship.) But the increasing complexity of my life has become an obstacle. My wife and I have had three children. I have a serious drinking problem. I have had several girlfriends. Things came to a head this week with an explosion of anger from my wife while I was sitting down to write. I fell into depression, and the next morning I destroyed everything I have ever written. I feel like an empty shell now. I wonder if it's time to give up writing and try to find love and peace with what I have. Any ideas? Running on empty Dear Running, I hate to say this, it being a cliché and all, but the root of your problem may very well be your drinking. And some clichés are true. Find a man you trust who is objective and knowledgeable about alcohol -- a doctor, a counselor, a friend -- and describe to him in absolute clear detail exactly what your experience with alcohol is, how much and when and under what circumstances you drink. Put your problem on the table, and take a look at it. Ask his advice. Alcohol can be a potent force in a person's life, as you well know, and one that the drinker is unable to judge clearly. The frustration, the depression, the fit of destructive anger, certainly could be the result of drinking. Dear Mr. Blue, I am married to a wonderful man. He has his faults, but I think we make each other pretty happy. With him, I have made great strides in my personal life and my career, and have developed new hobbies. He is the only man to whom I have been completely faithful. It has been hard. I have trouble committing to just one person. I love my husband dearly and I want to be faithful, but I notice that my eye wanders more than it used to. How do people stay faithful? Is the love enough to keep you on the straight and narrow? I think I missed that lesson growing up, and I don't know where I can learn it now. Steady Heart, Roving Eye Dear Steady, You make each other pretty happy and you give each other a
solid base of loyalty and love, which makes you braver and happier, and
this is a good marriage. Hew to it. Don't brood about the illicit. Don't
incubate secret friendships. Whoever your eye is wandering toward, invite
him or her home to meet your wonderful husband.
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