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A charming manipulator | page 1, 2, 3
I am 25, just started a fabulous job and after a year of post-college
confusion/sadness and low-paying temp jobs and living with parents, I
finally feel like my "adult" life is getting off to a good start. I
have been dating a great guy for about a year and a half, who is solid
careerwise, mature and very kind (in other words, husband material). But
now that Mr. Solid is starting to make references to the future, I am
having doubts about whether or not I
want to marry. I am afraid, though, that the longer I wait, the worse the
man selection
will be. Should I just go with the flow or abandon Mr. Solid and be young
and foolish
for a while? MissGuided
Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear MissGuided, Men are not appliances, this is not the January white sale and yes, indeed, the selection does narrow dramatically when you get into your 30s. But if you're having doubts, heed them, and put marriage on hold. This is not a flow you should go with. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a graduate student in psychology. I was living with a guy when I became attracted to one of his friends and started sleeping with him and I got very confused. My boyfriend didn't know. And then my boyfriend told me he had fallen in love with someone else. I was shocked. The worst thing was that he was actually happy when he learned that I had been sleeping with one of his friends. He said he felt relieved that I wouldn't be alone and that I had someone to show me that I was lovable. This destroyed me. I realized that I didn't want to separate anymore. I tried to convince him that we have moved on too quickly, but he is happy with the new woman and he says it's better this way. My heart aches. Will I ever be able to fix this huge mistake? How can I convince him to give us another last chance? That we are meant for each other? Never say Never Dear Never, The only advice I can give is the advice you don't want, that it's over and done and you should move on and turn your young face to the sun and away from the shadows. This is easy advice to give and it does nothing for your heartache at all and I'm sorry. You can't fix the mistake because it involves another person who doesn't consider it a mistake; and you wouldn't be happy living with a man whom you had to campaign for and convince to return to you. You can't convince someone of love. It's not a case to be argued. If you can't bear to give up, then don't, and be patient, and hope, but life does keep going and time passes. And if I were hurting and someone gave me sensible advice, I'd resent him terribly. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a 35-year-old widow with a small child reinventing my life after my husband's death three years ago. I am finishing my doctoral studies and planning to move abroad soon. My dilemma is this: I met the most wonderful, kind, patient gentleman and we've been together nine months, and I am falling in love with him. He has suggested that we live together so I can concentrate on my studies and we can share the bills. My daughter adores him. But what if it doesn't work out a year from now? My daughter's heart will be broken! I don't want her heart to be broken again. Is this a risk I should take? I had decided I would not marry again. Confused Dear Confused, This is a question that needs more time and nobody else can answer it. Life is ever a risk, of course, but one does try to avoid the larger potholes. Few people decide not to fall in love based on a fear of eventual heartbreak. But you can decide how fast to proceed. Dear Mr. Blue, I've been married 10 years, have two kids, a decent job. My husband lost his job under extremely stressful circumstances about two years ago, which we are just now recovering from financially. Two summers ago, seeking escape from all this stress, I found a man with whom I had a random affair for almost a year and a half. He ended it this December, saying he felt "overwhelmed with guilt." I can't stand it. I am confused, heartsick and wretched. I never tried to lure him away from his wife and children -- it was just an occasional meeting. But he made me feel beautiful, desired and sexy -- which hasn't happened in my marriage for five years or more. I'm back to feeling like my sole raison d'être is laundry and working to pay for the groceries. Advice, please? Notanetbabe Dear Not, You are standing on a road you've hiked for miles and miles and it ends at the river. No bridge. No shallow place to ford the stream. A painful moment. You stand and look at the distant hills that now you'll have to reach by some other route and you indulge yourself in as much grief and recrimination as you feel entitled to, and then you turn and retrace your steps. And this whole experience -- don't hit me when I say this -- is making you a better, richer, deeper, more compassionate person. And so will your search for your raison d'être. This man wasn't your raison, he wasn't even your grape; he was only a small town on the road where you stopped for a cup of coffee. Onward. The story of your life demands to be known. A raison as big as the Ritz awaits farther on, and when you reach it, you will be grateful to the gentleman for cutting you loose.
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