In Need of Aspirin and Advice

Dear In Need,

I was more than lost at 26 and couldn't have navigated New York on my own, but never mind that. You're experiencing a wave of nostalgia, kid, and you should enjoy it and lie in bed at night and recall those kind hearts and gentle people, and then get up in the morning and go to work and make your career. Nostalgia isn't a great basis for building a life; a better one is having work that you love. This is the great lure of New York for a young person -- to get in a good situation that has an elevator, to work in an organization that prizes ambition and smarts, and to rise swiftly in the world and take your rightful place among the larger cheeses. Give it time.

Dear Mr. Blue,

My seven-year marriage had been decaying for the last year and a half when I caught my husband in bed with his secretary (how trite). Hurt and angry, I packed my bags and filed for separation. That was two years ago. My husband has expressed his regret and I forgive him completely, but I have not gone home to him. He will always be a part of my life and we maintain a long-distance friendship. A few weeks after I moved out I started dating a wonderful man. Our romance has blossomed into love, and I consider myself very lucky. But I miss my husband. It doesn't seem right to give up my new love to go back to what was a bad situation, but I think of my ex every day. Is this a signal I should pay attention to, or normal heartbreak? I miss him terribly.

Once Burned

Dear Once,

You leaped into the new romance rather suddenly, and surely there was an element of revenge in this, a determination to show your trite husband that he was two-timing a pretty darned attractive woman (you). And now you find that you've not settled things with him. If indeed you miss him terribly, you shouldn't ignore this. But the long-distance friendship may be susceptible to an element of fantasy and longing. Putting the secretary out of your mind, think about the year-and-a-half decline in the marriage: What happened? If you are unclear in your own mind about this, perhaps this is what troubles you. The easy advice is, Give the new romance some time and don't make hasty moves. I hope it's the right advice.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am 25, just started a fabulous job and after a year of post-college confusion/sadness and low-paying temp jobs and living with parents, I finally feel like my "adult" life is getting off to a good start. I have been dating a great guy for about a year and a half, who is solid careerwise, mature and very kind (in other words, husband material). But now that Mr. Solid is starting to make references to the future, I am having doubts about whether or not I want to marry. I am afraid, though, that the longer I wait, the worse the man selection will be. Should I just go with the flow or abandon Mr. Solid and be young and foolish for a while?

MissGuided

Dear MissGuided,

Men are not appliances, this is not the January white sale and yes, indeed, the selection does narrow dramatically when you get into your 30s. But if you're having doubts, heed them, and put marriage on hold. This is not a flow you should go with.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am a graduate student in psychology. I was living with a guy when I became attracted to one of his friends and started sleeping with him and I got very confused. My boyfriend didn't know. And then my boyfriend told me he had fallen in love with someone else. I was shocked. The worst thing was that he was actually happy when he learned that I had been sleeping with one of his friends. He said he felt relieved that I wouldn't be alone and that I had someone to show me that I was lovable. This destroyed me. I realized that I didn't want to separate anymore. I tried to convince him that we have moved on too quickly, but he is happy with the new woman and he says it's better this way. My heart aches. Will I ever be able to fix this huge mistake? How can I convince him to give us another last chance? That we are meant for each other?

Never say Never

Dear Never,

The only advice I can give is the advice you don't want, that it's over and done and you should move on and turn your young face to the sun and away from the shadows. This is easy advice to give and it does nothing for your heartache at all and I'm sorry. You can't fix the mistake because it involves another person who doesn't consider it a mistake; and you wouldn't be happy living with a man whom you had to campaign for and convince to return to you. You can't convince someone of love. It's not a case to be argued. If you can't bear to give up, then don't, and be patient, and hope, but life does keep going and time passes. And if I were hurting and someone gave me sensible advice, I'd resent him terribly.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am a 35-year-old widow with a small child reinventing my life after my husband's death three years ago. I am finishing my doctoral studies and planning to move abroad soon. My dilemma is this: I met the most wonderful, kind, patient gentleman and we've been together nine months, and I am falling in love with him. He has suggested that we live together so I can concentrate on my studies and we can share the bills. My daughter adores him. But what if it doesn't work out a year from now? My daughter's heart will be broken! I don't want her heart to be broken again. Is this a risk I should take? I had decided I would not marry again.

Confused

Dear Confused,

This is a question that needs more time and nobody else can answer it. Life is ever a risk, of course, but one does try to avoid the larger potholes. Few people decide not to fall in love based on a fear of eventual heartbreak. But you can decide how fast to proceed.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I've been married 10 years, have two kids, a decent job. My husband lost his job under extremely stressful circumstances about two years ago, which we are just now recovering from financially. Two summers ago, seeking escape from all this stress, I found a man with whom I had a random affair for almost a year and a half. He ended it this December, saying he felt "overwhelmed with guilt." I can't stand it. I am confused, heartsick and wretched. I never tried to lure him away from his wife and children -- it was just an occasional meeting. But he made me feel beautiful, desired and sexy -- which hasn't happened in my marriage for five years or more. I'm back to feeling like my sole raison d'jtre is laundry and working to pay for the groceries. Advice, please?

Notanetbabe

Dear Not,

You are standing on a road you've hiked for miles and miles and it ends at the river. No bridge. No shallow place to ford the stream. A painful moment. You stand and look at the distant hills that now you'll have to reach by some other route and you indulge yourself in as much grief and recrimination as you feel entitled to, and then you turn and retrace your steps. And this whole experience -- don't hit me when I say this -- is making you a better, richer, deeper, more compassionate person. And so will your search for your raison d'jtre. This man wasn't your raison, he wasn't even your grape; he was only a small town on the road where you stopped for a cup of coffee. Onward. The story of your life demands to be known. A raison as big as the Ritz awaits farther on, and when you reach it, you will be grateful to the gentleman for cutting you loose.

Dear Mr. Blue,

We've been married for 35 years, shot our children, arrow-like, into the sky, built successful careers. We get along well, respect one another, but there's not an ember of passion left glowing, not a scintilla of interest in sexuality, nor even a flicker of flirtation. I have a worrisome heart condition, she is exhausted from working 80-hour weeks. I'm gregarious, she wants to be left alone. She has grown large over the years and I am unable to get hard the few times a year she evinces an interest. So here I am, 55, wondering what to do about these troubling circumstances, cognizant of fleeting time and limited chances for any sexual (or even sensual) experiences. Damn!? I'd like to feel more alive than I do right now. Any ideas?

Forlorn

Dear Forlorn,

It's good that you and your wife get along well and respect each other after all these years, and perhaps this is as good as you can expect. One could say, Seek Counseling, but surely you have thought of this. I will be hanged in effigy for saying this, but I think you should consider finding a sexual surrogate. You seem to find yourself boxed into a sad and grievous corner and a good surrogate may be able to help you pleasantly past this dysfunction, which is surely all in your head. This may be better than throwing the marriage into an uproar over your sexual needs, and if you can somehow have a pleasant and sensual time with a surrogate, you may find that you can then be a more loving and confident and imaginative lover to your wife.

Sex, really, is such a small thing, crucial as it is, and it's a shame to let this pebble of a problem overturn the matrimonial carriage. The usual American solution is divorce, and the husband takes up with a fresh young thing and the wife goes off and sulks, and there is enormous suffering and misery and guilt and expense. It seems much more civilized for you to try another route. And, most important, you should pay more attention to your wife, coax her to spend time with you in casual and pleasant ways, conversing, dining, walking, going to performances that give you both pleasure -- in effect, start to date her again.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I have written professionally for many years, first as a reporter, later as a copywriter and now as a technical writer. But my true love is fiction. I have written many thousands of pages in the past 10 years -- two novels, two plays, several dozen short stories. None of them published. (I consider them my apprenticeship.)

But the increasing complexity of my life has become an obstacle. My wife and I have had three children. I have a serious drinking problem. I have had several girlfriends. Things came to a head this week with an explosion of anger from my wife while I was sitting down to write. I fell into depression, and the next morning I destroyed everything I have ever written.

I feel like an empty shell now. I wonder if it's time to give up writing and try to find love and peace with what I have. Any ideas?

Running on empty

Dear Running,

I hate to say this, it being a clichi and all, but the root of your problem may very well be your drinking. And some clichis are true. Find a man you trust who is objective and knowledgeable about alcohol -- a doctor, a counselor, a friend -- and describe to him in absolute clear detail exactly what your experience with alcohol is, how much and when and under what circumstances you drink. Put your problem on the table, and take a look at it. Ask his advice. Alcohol can be a potent force in a person's life, as you well know, and one that the drinker is unable to judge clearly. The frustration, the depression, the fit of destructive anger, certainly could be the result of drinking.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am married to a wonderful man. He has his faults, but I think we make each other pretty happy. With him, I have made great strides in my personal life and my career, and have developed new hobbies. He is the only man to whom I have been completely faithful. It has been hard. I have trouble committing to just one person. I love my husband dearly and I want to be faithful, but I notice that my eye wanders more than it used to. How do people stay faithful? Is the love enough to keep you on the straight and narrow? I think I missed that lesson growing up, and I don't know where I can learn it now.

Steady Heart, Roving Eye

Dear Steady,

You make each other pretty happy and you give each other a solid base of loyalty and love, which makes you braver and happier, and this is a good marriage. Hew to it. Don't brood about the illicit. Don't incubate secret friendships. Whoever your eye is wandering toward, invite him or her home to meet your wonderful husband.