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A charming manipulator
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Jan. 25, 2000 |
A good friend of mine -- I'll call her Carol -- is infatuated with a
co-worker of hers who is engaged to be married to someone else. She is
convinced he will leave his fiancée for her (even though he's told her he
won't). She says he is deeply in
love with her. I was skeptical, but I wasn't going to say anything about it,
because people in love hear only what they want
to hear. But then I finally met this guy at a party. I could see why she was
so smitten; he is exceptionally charming. And then,
when Carol was out of the room, the little troll made a pass at me. He
asked if I wanted to have a threesome with him and one of his
friends. He was serious. I politely declined, but now I'm wondering if I
should tell her about it. This guy is nothing but a charming manipulator,
and serious bad news. What should I do? I'd hate for her to get mad at
me instead. Perplexed
Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Perplexed, It's a perplexing problem. Ordinarily, one would leave two adults to work things out between them and not barge in with one's own revelations, but this weasel is in such a blatant predatory mode, one might make an exception and warn the chickens. So much depends on how good a friend your good friend is, I guess. If she's only a passable good friend, she might resent it, not believe you, and you might lose her; if she's a really good friend, a boon companion, a soul mate, then you're under a heavier obligation to share information about weasels, but you also stand to lose more. And now, as I am just on the verge of telling you what to do, I have lost my nerve. Your call, my dear. Dear Mr. Blue, Were you a bit lost at 26? Is there a map? I'm currently in New York City, reporting and writing, hoping to make a career, but I can't stop thinking about the people and the small city where I lived and worked for the daily paper. I was happy there, and I have wonderful friends there. Career opportunity, though, is nil. Should I go back home or try to start over? In Need of Aspirin and Advice Dear In Need, I was more than lost at 26 and couldn't have navigated New York on my own, but never mind that. You're experiencing a wave of nostalgia, kid, and you should enjoy it and lie in bed at night and recall those kind hearts and gentle people, and then get up in the morning and go to work and make your career. Nostalgia isn't a great basis for building a life; a better one is having work that you love. This is the great lure of New York for a young person -- to get in a good situation that has an elevator, to work in an organization that prizes ambition and smarts, and to rise swiftly in the world and take your rightful place among the larger cheeses. Give it time. Dear Mr. Blue, My seven-year marriage had been decaying for the last year and a half when I caught my husband in bed with his secretary (how trite). Hurt and angry, I packed my bags and filed for separation. That was two years ago. My husband has expressed his regret and I forgive him completely, but I have not gone home to him. He will always be a part of my life and we maintain a long-distance friendship. A few weeks after I moved out I started dating a wonderful man. Our romance has blossomed into love, and I consider myself very lucky. But I miss my husband. It doesn't seem right to give up my new love to go back to what was a bad situation, but I think of my ex every day. Is this a signal I should pay attention to, or normal heartbreak? I miss him terribly. Once Burned Dear Once, You leaped into the new romance rather suddenly, and surely there was an element of revenge in this, a determination to show your trite husband that he was two-timing a pretty darned attractive woman (you). And now you find that you've not settled things with him. If indeed you miss him terribly, you shouldn't ignore this. But the long-distance friendship may be susceptible to an element of fantasy and longing. Putting the secretary out of your mind, think about the year-and-a-half decline in the marriage: What happened? If you are unclear in your own mind about this, perhaps this is what troubles you. The easy advice is, Give the new romance some time and don't make hasty moves. I hope it's the right advice.
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