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Jan. 18, 2000 |
I really like sex but have never been good at relationships, the
longest in my 43 years being three years, and only a few of those.
I'd like to have a little affair or fling with a man, but after a
night of sex I wind up feeling inexplicably emotionally attached to him. I daydream about a
guy for months even though I know in my heart he is not for me. I have
several women friends who find it easy to satisfy their sexual
desires and not feel any more involved the next morning than they did the night before.
I envy them for it. Of course I am afraid of being alone for the rest of
my life. If that is my destiny, I can bear it, but it is so much scarier
to think I will live without good sex, which is one of the joys of living. How can I have a
male friend or two who I could call for a nice safe romp with no strings attached? Or
have the occasional fling with a handsome Casanova and happily wave goodbye
in the morning? Any advice, or encouragement? Crushed Out Dear Crushed Out, If you simply are looking for sex with men, you surely can find takers.
As for your feelings, I think that casual sex is an acquired skill, more common among men
and among Gen-X women and women in big cities, and if you're not skilled at it, maybe
your women friends can advise you. I too know people who live that life, are frank about it,
seem to do OK in it, and I have the impression that it's a skill not available to everyone,
like hang gliding or bear hunting or arbitrage. And even for those who claim to lead carefree
sex lives, it may become more complicated than they're willing to let on. There are strong
emotional tides on this particular beach, large waves crash ashore, great whales occasionally
beach themselves, ships break apart on the reef, and the ability to be oblivious to it all may
not be supportable in the long run. I don't know. I'm not the authority here. But I'm
flattered that you imagine I am. Next thing you know, people will start asking me about
transmissions and carburetors.
Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Mr. Blue, One of my dearest friends of 20 years has recently gotten married for the first time at age 47 to a woman he met, wooed and wed in the space of six months. Of course, I was happy for them both. The problem? She doesn't like me, wants me out of his life, has forbidden him to lunch with me as we used to do regularly and has made it clear that there is no room for my husband and me in their new life. My friend's compliance with her demands is deeply wounding. What should I do? I've tried to befriend her, recognizing that she is the most important person in his life, but my efforts are in vain. What kind of wife makes her husband give up his best friend? And what kind of husband goes along with that? Saddened Dear Saddened, There's nothing more to be done by you, nothing whatsoever. Your friend must make his own choices, fight his own battles, and you cannot press the point. Send a Christmas card every year and a note on his birthday and see what happens. And turn your attention to your other friends. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm 58. My husband left me three years ago for a lady we had working in our office; she had been there six weeks. She was married for 25 years and had left her husband four times before but never for more than a year. This time she knew our business finances so she divorced her husband and moved in with mine. We have been divorced two years, and they are still living together. I spent our time together helping him build our business, taking care of him and our home. I had no life except him. So now I find I don't have anything to do outside in the world to meet people. I find myself staying in my home for several weeks without going anywhere. I'm afraid of running into the friends we had and how they will treat me. Some of them I have seen act as if they never knew me. Can you help me? Lost Dear Lost, You need to evacuate. It sounds to me as if you're still involved in the business that you and your ex-husband ran. Are you? Get out of it. Make sure you get your share, which is half of everything. Get the money, sell the house, do what you need to do and escape from this man and his friends and his business and all the rest. And start your new life in a new place. It's hard, but it's easier work than what you're going through now. Dear Mr. Blue I am a woman in my 30s, married for six years, happily for the most part. Unfortunately, I have fallen in love with a man at work. He is smart, funny, kind, understands me well, and he is gay. So a romantic relationship is out of the question, yet I can't seem to accept this. I love my husband very much and don't want to do anything to hurt him or jeopardize our marriage, yet all I can think about is how strong my feelings are for the other man. I have not told him or my husband about any of this. I have had these feelings for about three years, ever since the other man and I started working together, so I have a hard time believing that this is a passing fancy. What does it mean that I am stubbornly holding out for an unattainable man? And what, if anything, can I do about this? Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered Dear 3B, Passing fancies can be powerful. You're not in love -- you have a teenage crush similar to what millions of girls felt for Elvis, and it's entirely up to you whether you keep it innocent and harmless or turn it into an obsession. I say, keep it innocent. Don't tell anybody. Enjoy the sensation, the sweetness and silliness of it, and let it mature into friendship. But if your feelings start to worry you, get a different job.
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