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DEAR MR. BLUE:
ADVICE FOR LOVERS AND WRITERS

Garrison Keillor

Is politeness required?
After dumping his longtime wife, my friend has taken up with a much younger woman. Do I have to be nice to her?

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By Garrison Keillor

Jan. 4, 2000

Dear Mr. Blue,

A friend has just dumped his wife of 30 years to take up with a woman 35 years younger whom he is now introducing to his friends. She seems nice if a bit vapid, staring at him, grabbing his hand, hanging on his every word, etc. His wife is distraught. He seems happy if tired and seems aware of the oddness of the situation. What is our role as friends? Do we support him, or tell him he is an idiot; do we talk to the girl and ask her what she thinks she is doing, or do we smile politely and engage in conversation and be ready to pick up the pieces should the thing fall over in a heap?

Friend Indeed

Dear Friend,

You smile and say polite things and ask the girl how she likes this weather we've been having and compliment her on her shoes. You keep in touch with the wife, if you had a personal connection to her, and if your real connection was to the husband, then you don't. You don't tell him he's an idiot unless he asks, "Am I an idiot?" and then you say, "Yes, but I like you anyway."

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am a talented musician, a not-so-bad writer and an aspiring actress, among other things. But I can't concentrate on one thing long enough to pursue it, and if I start to pursue one thing, I start to hyperventilate after about a week, with fear that I'm ruining my life by not pursuing the other things. In the meantime, I am painting houses, which, in need of paint though they may be, is unfulfilling work at best. I'm 34 and am afraid of turning into one of those "if only she hadn't wasted her life" people. I'm in a pickle. Should I go to a remote corner of Maine and try to write a novel? Should I move to Italy and rent a piano and write songs? Is it better to be around other artists, or be by yourself? If a person commits so fully to their art, what becomes of them?

Drowning in My Life

Dear Drowning,

My dear young lady, put down your paintbrush and give yourself a sabbatical. Can you take six months? Or two or three? No need to go to Italy. Home is fine. But arrange your days to give yourself time to sit and think about the future and write and play music and get yourself calmed down and in focus. I suggest you give yourself an arbitrary assignment to complete, a task of several months' duration. For example, you could write down everything you know about house-painting; write about the people you learned from and the difference between good work and shoddy and the life histories of the people you've worked with and your impressions of the clients and see if this might lead you toward something larger, perhaps a work of fiction. Work on it at least a little bit every day for your sabbatical and try to pass through the hyperventilation stage and keep going. It's easier to start projects than to stick with them, easier to make promises than keep them, but you can outsmart this jitteriness by simply making yourself keep going, as runners do, and writers, and as anybody does.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm 31. About four months ago, my boyfriend broke up with me because he was in love with someone else. We had been together for two and a half years. He was my first lover, and he was everything I could've asked for, funny, charming, sexy, attentive, all that. A woman he worked with kept visiting us, finding things to do with him and acting like she was my friend. It freaked me out, I could see what was happening, but he assured me he didn't feel anything for her other than friendship. Then, in August, I took a vacation, during which he called me up and told me he wasn't sure that he wanted to keep living with me. I was devastated and moved out. I don't want to lose his friendship -- he still calls about once a week, just to chat, and we have good conversations, just like we always did. My question is, can I still be friends with this man? It hurts like hell to see that I've been replaced so quickly. How do I learn to forgive him for the pain he has caused? How do I transfer those feelings of love into friendship? Is it possible?

Jilted




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Mr. Blue

Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.

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Read books by Garrison Keillor at BARNES & NOBLE

 

Dear Jilted,

You can't get there from here. You've been rejected in a weaselly way, and I hope you told your boyfriend how devastated you felt and made his ears burn. But you don't say you did: You go straight from "I moved out" to "I don't want to lose his friendship." Don't be a doormat. If you haven't done it already, tell this charming man, "I loved you, you miserable weasel, and the moment I turned my back, you used this brainless bimbo to extricate yourself from our relationship because you didn't have the balls to deal with me honestly. Is this going to be the pattern for the rest of your sorry shitbird life? If it is, then you're not going to have any friends left, including me, numb nuts." Or use your own words. You can't be friends with someone you're afraid to express anger to. Rock the bozo with some lightning and thunder, and drive him weeping to his knees begging for forgiveness, and then consider friendship.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm a 26-year-old writer in love with a wonderful 30-year-old woman. We've been together just over a year, and she is anxious to get married and settle down. When we began spending time together, this seemed acceptable to me as well, but now I find myself resisting it more. Suddenly I have a growing list of doubts and have almost talked myself into the conclusion that it would be better to end the relationship. Do you have any thoughts on the limits of sacrifice for love? And how much fear should one feel about marriage?

Entangled

Dear Entangled,

This doesn't sound good. People contemplating marriage should be happy and imagining a beautiful life, deciding whether to put the Ping-Pong table in the dining room or the bedroom. They shouldn't be brooding on the subject of sacrifice. You'll have to sacrifice plenty, but that comes later, and it sneaks up on you. It isn't a heroic deed that you embark on now, like Nathan Hale going to the gallows. You marry to find the joy and richness of your life, no matter how many sad stories you may hear. Don't take another step, sir, until your fears abate and your doubts diminish.

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