| |||||
|
Arts & Entertainment  BooksComics Health & Body Media Mothers Who Think News People Politics2000 Technology - Free Software Project Travel & Food  Columnists
- - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - Also Today For a full list of today's Salon Books stories, go to the
Books home page. - - - - - - - - - - - - Search Salon - - - - - - - - - - - - Salon Columnists - - - - - - - - - - - - Recently in Salon Books Reviews Ivory Tower Reviews - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Is politeness required?
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Mr. Blue, A friend has just dumped his wife of 30 years to take up with
a woman 35 years younger whom he is now introducing to
his friends. She seems nice if a bit vapid, staring at him,
grabbing his hand, hanging on his every word, etc. His wife is
distraught. He seems happy if tired and seems aware of the
oddness of the situation. What is our role as friends? Do we
support him, or tell him he is an idiot; do we talk to the girl
and ask her what she thinks she is doing, or do we smile politely
and engage in conversation and be ready to pick up the pieces
should the thing fall over in a heap? Friend Indeed Dear Friend, You smile and say polite things and ask the girl how
she likes this weather we've been having and compliment her on
her shoes. You keep in touch with the wife, if you had a personal
connection to her, and if your real connection was to the
husband, then you don't. You don't tell him he's an idiot unless
he asks, "Am I an idiot?" and then you say, "Yes, but I like you
anyway." Dear Mr. Blue, I am a talented musician, a not-so-bad writer and an aspiring
actress, among other things. But I can't concentrate on one
thing long enough to pursue it, and if I start to pursue one
thing, I start to hyperventilate after about a week, with fear
that I'm ruining my life by not pursuing the other things. In
the meantime, I am painting houses, which, in need of paint though
they may be, is unfulfilling work at best. I'm 34 and am afraid
of turning into one of those "if only she hadn't wasted her life"
people. I'm in a pickle. Should I go to a remote corner of Maine
and try to write a novel? Should I move to Italy and rent a
piano and write songs? Is it better to be around other artists,
or be by yourself? If a person commits so fully to their art,
what becomes of them? Drowning in My Life Dear Drowning, My dear young lady, put down your paintbrush and
give yourself a sabbatical. Can you take six months? Or two or
three? No need to go to Italy. Home is fine. But arrange your
days to give yourself time to sit and think about the future and
write and play music and get yourself calmed down and in focus. I
suggest you give yourself an arbitrary assignment to complete, a
task of several months' duration. For example, you could write
down everything you know about house-painting; write about the
people you learned from and the difference between good work and
shoddy and the life histories of the people you've worked with
and your impressions of the clients and see if this might lead
you toward something larger, perhaps a work of fiction. Work on
it at least a little bit every day for your sabbatical and try to
pass through the hyperventilation stage and keep going. It's
easier to start projects than to stick with them, easier to make
promises than keep them, but you can outsmart this jitteriness by
simply making yourself keep going, as runners do, and writers,
and as anybody does. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm 31. About four months ago, my boyfriend broke up with me
because he was in love with someone else. We had been together
for two and a half years. He was my first lover, and he
was everything I could've asked for, funny, charming, sexy,
attentive, all that. A woman he worked with kept visiting us,
finding things to do with him and acting like she was my friend.
It freaked me out, I could see what was happening, but he assured
me he didn't feel anything for her other than friendship. Then,
in August, I took a vacation, during which he called me up and
told me he wasn't sure that he wanted to keep living with me. I
was devastated and moved out. I don't want to lose his
friendship -- he still calls about once a week, just to chat, and
we have good conversations, just like we always did. My question
is, can I still be friends with this man? It hurts like
hell to see that I've been replaced so quickly. How do I learn to
forgive him for the pain he has caused? How do I transfer
those feelings of love into friendship? Is it possible? Jilted Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Jilted, You can't get there from here. You've been rejected in a weaselly way, and I hope you told your boyfriend how devastated you felt and made his ears burn. But you don't say you did: You go straight from "I moved out" to "I don't want to lose his friendship." Don't be a doormat. If you haven't done it already, tell this charming man, "I loved you, you miserable weasel, and the moment I turned my back, you used this brainless bimbo to extricate yourself from our relationship because you didn't have the balls to deal with me honestly. Is this going to be the pattern for the rest of your sorry shitbird life? If it is, then you're not going to have any friends left, including me, numb nuts." Or use your own words. You can't be friends with someone you're afraid to express anger to. Rock the bozo with some lightning and thunder, and drive him weeping to his knees begging for forgiveness, and then consider friendship. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a 26-year-old writer in love with a wonderful 30-year-old woman. We've been together just over a year, and she is anxious to get married and settle down. When we began spending time together, this seemed acceptable to me as well, but now I find myself resisting it more. Suddenly I have a growing list of doubts and have almost talked myself into the conclusion that it would be better to end the relationship. Do you have any thoughts on the limits of sacrifice for love? And how much fear should one feel about marriage? Entangled Dear Entangled, This doesn't sound good. People contemplating marriage should be happy and imagining a beautiful life, deciding whether to put the Ping-Pong table in the dining room or the bedroom. They shouldn't be brooding on the subject of sacrifice. You'll have to sacrifice plenty, but that comes later, and it sneaks up on you. It isn't a heroic deed that you embark on now, like Nathan Hale going to the gallows. You marry to find the joy and richness of your life, no matter how many sad stories you may hear. Don't take another step, sir, until your fears abate and your doubts diminish.
| ||||
 |
 |
 |
 |
||
Next page |