| |||
|
Arts & Entertainment  BooksComics Health & Body Media Mothers Who Think News People Politics2000 Technology - Free Software Project Travel & Food  Columnists
- - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - Also Today For a full list of today's Salon Books stories, go to the
Books home page. - - - - - - - - - - - - Search Salon - - - - - - - - - - - - Salon Columnists - - - - - - - - - - - - Recently in Salon Books Reviews Book Bag Reviews - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
It's too late, baby | page 1, 2, 3
I'm a single mother, 28, educated, an artist with my own business
and very lonely. My son is 4 and very jealous of my attention
as I work long hours. Last year I had my first relationship with
a man since my son was born, but it didn't work out. The man was
sweet and treated me well, but he was also in his 20s and
was very intimidated by the thought of getting seriously involved
with a mom. I'm wondering if I should be looking for an older man. My uncle,
a lawyer in his late 50s, was telling me at Thanksgiving how
attractive and intelligent I am, and I realized he thinks so
because I know about jazz and blues and old movies and baseball
and other things people my age tend not to know about. Would I
have a much better chance of romantic bliss dating older men? And
where should I meet them? And finally, if a man is over 40 and
unmarried and wanting to date a woman in her (late) 20s, is
that generally a red flag? Lonely in New England Dear Lonely, As a truck driver friend of mine says, It's not the mileage that's
important, it's how much mileage left to go. And nobody knows
that. So age is not a crucial matter, past a certain point. Let's
not try to compute your chances of romantic bliss, but surely
they'll be greater if you don't restrict yourself to men close to
your own age. Men tend to mature more slowly than women and so
our culture believes in older men and younger women as a general
thing. Where should you meet them? Well, at the VFW hall, of
course, and at the Blue Note and in section 14 of Shea Stadium
and in the assisted living section of the Good Shepherd Home --
I have no idea. Finally, if a man over 40 is attracted to you, my
dear, you should take it as a sign of discernment on his part. Dear Mr. Blue, When I get into confrontational situations my mind goes blank.
It's nerves and also the desire to
be a nice girl. Of course, afterward I think of the things I
should have said. How do I keep from blanking out when being
confronted, and be strong and firm instead of meek and silent? Blank Brain Dear B.B., You and me too, kid. But is this a skill a person
really wishes for, the ability to counterpunch and leap up into
someone's face and say withering things? Somehow I don't
associate combativeness with The Good Life As We Know It. When
confronted, maintain eye contact. Very, very important. Don't step
back. And don't interrupt the confronter. Let him go on and on
and on. Let him exhaust himself with repetition. This gives you
time to come up with your exit line. Maybe it's "I'll talk about
this when you calm down" or maybe it's "I'm going to forget that
you said these crazy things" or it's something else, but whatever
it is, it's cool and cogent. The difference between Strong & Firm
and Meek & Silent is a slight one, having to do with eye contact
and the cool response. Think John Wayne. Dear Mr. Blue, I've fallen in love! He plays me Joni Mitchell CDs, sends me
poetry, feeds me Cherry Garcia. We talk for hours at a time. He
is teaching me how to zydeco dance and I'm teaching him about
social justice in Guatemala. He makes me laugh and I'm not afraid
to sing around him. After seven years of numbness brought on by a
terrible relationship, the death of my mother and a bout with
clinical depression, I feel alive again and happy and ready to
trust and open up my heart. I'm writing again and finally feel
like a whole person. I feel calm and giddy at the same time. There is one problem: He has a girlfriend of almost three years
and didn't tell me that until after we had begun dating. Yes,
that's a big problem. He has told me that he loves her and will
not leave her right now but he is falling in love with me. I am
afraid that when the hurt comes, it will numb
me for another seven years. I want him in my life.
Should I trust my heart and open up and love and deal with the
pain later? Or should I trust my women friends who tell me not to
have anything to do with a man who is deceiving his
girlfriend? It is hard to think of turning my back on this
happiness after having been miserable for so long. Swept Away Dear Swept, It's too bad that, underneath all the singing and
zydeco and poetry and Cherry Garcia, there is a lie sticking up
like a post. He started dating you while he was still with a
girlfriend whom he loves. The man is confused, at best, and you
need to clarify the situation for him by creating some distance
here. Stop sleeping with him, for one thing. If you want to
rescue the relationship, you need to ease back to the beginning
and rebuild on honest foundations. And he needs to deal with the
girlfriend, whom he is still lying to, apparently. You're not
going to slip back into seven years of depression -- you
already did that, and it's over. You may get angry at him for
seducing you so well, but that's different. This man is not the
cause of your happiness; he is only the vehicle. He's the actor
you choose to play opposite you in scenes that you yourself
create out of the lavish abundance of your heart, and if the
vehicle crashes, if the actor walks out, you still have that
abundance to take elsewhere. You won't crash if he drops you,
because you're not a puppet. You can sing anywhere you like. Dear Mr. Blue,
I feel the time has come for an intervention. A dear friend from
college has drifted from job to job and now has written a novel.
I read the manuscript, and I'm worried. He's talking about
publication and all the money he's going to make, but this book
has a lot of problems, including basic grammatical errors,
stilted dialogue and long, wooden descriptions of uninteresting
landscapes. I think he has the potential to write a good book one
day, but this isn't it. As a concerned friend who
would hate to see him waste months or years on
a project that might never see the light of day,
should I risk our friendship and be honest about what
I think of the book? Or should I just stand back? Aghast Dear Aghast,
I'd like to say, Yes, give your friend some good
advice and save him from his pretensions, but the truth is that
you would gravely risk losing his friendship. People in the
throes of creation do not want bad reviews. If you like this
friend, tell him, "I liked it. It's good." That's pretty
noncommital. If he presses you for more, tell him about a couple
of things you liked in the book. And let him spend months or years
working on it. It's an educational experience, trying to fix a
hopeless novel. Some fine writers have come out of that
experience. What do you think? He should burn it and out of the
flames God will hand him a beautiful new manuscript? God doesn't
write novels. They're written by people who suffered through a
lot of misery and wrong turns and bad drafts. | ||
 |
 |
 |
 |
Next page |