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Hurt and confused
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Dec. 7, 1999 |
Usually I run these medical questions past an old internist I know, and he has some snappy
answer, but he was at an internal medicine conference aboard a cruise ship in the Aegean last
week and out of touch. He will be back soon and when he returns, Mr. Blue's column will
again reverberate with expertise and glitter with words you'll need a special dictionary to
fathom. My juvenile diatribe against family-bed theory (in response to the exhausted sex-starved mom
with her 6-month-old in the bed between her and her paramour) attracted some gentle
responses from folks whose babies slept with them, and of course now I feel sheepish about
those terrible, terrible things I said. You should never be harsh with old hippies and people
living in yurts; they will mellow you to death. "All three of my babies spent at least their
first two years sleeping by my side," writes a wonderful mom, "and they grew into
confident, compassionate, competitive and notably independent young men. They were all
basically happy, secure babies who slept well and caused very few issues by sharing the bed.
All three qualified for the Gifted Students
program in our school district. All three are highly regarded by their teachers and score in
the 97th percentile or higher on verbal and math skills on the national tests." She goes on to
list some of her boys' other accomplishments, all of them stunning. So there. (There also was a letter from a couple in Jerusalem whose 3-year-old insists on climbing
into bed with them and whose nights are devoted to getting the little bubbie to sleep. The
child is indefatigable and keeps climbing back in with them and then at 6 a.m. is wide awake
and clamoring for corn flakes. "What should we do?" they ask. I don't know.) Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. I suppose it's inevitable that a column dealing with romance is going to wind up talking about child-rearing, but my wife is the smart one about this. My little daughter, who isn't in the 97th percentile of anything so far as I know, and who has been chained in her crib lo these many months, is one of the happiest little girls you'd hope to find. Anyway, my expertise is in romance and writing. Send your child-rearing queries to Miss Paglia from now on. Dear Mr. Blue, I've been married for almost 20 years, have two great kids, and recently my husband has told me he is bisexual. I am so very hurt and confused. I can't talk to anyone about this because I don't want to ruin his reputation. I would bail out in a heartbeat if I did not have kids. My husband is a fine father and a good man and they need him in their lives. I feel lost and alone. I have bouts of depression when I sleep a lot. I no longer am emotionally available to anyone other than my kids. I began a sexual relationship with another man and I am scared because I can't feel anything emotionally -- it's like it is all blocked. I am so terrified to open up to anyone for fear of getting hurt. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and just want to run away. But I have kids and they need me. I tried counseling but that failed -- they just told me that people are born that way and there's nothing you can do about it. It's been more than two years and I feel like a vase with a huge crack in it, OK to look at, but nothing left inside. Broken Dear Broken, You tried counseling and you must try it again until you find the help you need. You went to the wrong shop, dear. You found someone who tried to explain your husband, and that's not the problem. The problem is depression. You need to treat it. I recommend a good psychiatrist. Put your husband on the shelf. Put your lover on the shelf. Take care of yourself, get help that works, and when you feel like yourself, you can deal with these other things. Dear Mr. Blue, I've had a crush on the girl who lives downstairs since she moved in. We have gotten to know each other to some extent and are on friendly terms, and I feel we are very different people. I am an atheist/humanist and she is the youth group coordinator at a local Catholic church. She is not dogmatic or anything, but it is a stumbling block for me that we will not get along on a very basic level if a relationship should occur. I wonder if it is possible for the secular and the sacred to come together in harmony. Please help me with my conundrum. Guy Upstairs Dear Guy, Keep your mitts off that nice Catholic girl, you heathen, and go bother the Unitarian girls. Life presents enough stumbling blocks in the natural course of things without you going and walking into trees. You asked for my advice and that's it. Cool it. And if you can't cool it, then start reading your Bible and taking instruction in the faith.
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