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An affair to forget | page 1, 2, 3
I am quite concerned about my son, who has only recently contacted me
for the first time in over a year. The reason for the separation? I
rejected his proselytizing about religion the last time he came to
visit. In fact, I believe I interrupted him and said something like, my
religion is my own business, and I didn't want to be harangued by him.
Can you help me to make it clear to him that we all miss him and would
welcome him, but if it comes to lecturing me, then ... He says if he has
to choose between me and God, he must choose God. Confused Parent Dear Confused, At a certain point, you must take a child as he is, your
parenting is over, and if the child has gone off and entered into an
evangelical faith, then you have to accept some of what you call
proselytizing. The child has found something that he feels is of ultimate
value, and he cannot be in your company without letting you know about
it -- to compromise this, in the interest of social niceties, would seem
craven to him. He needs to let you know that God has touched him. This
will settle down eventually. The "harangue" -- or we could use the term
"impassioned witness" -- is only to establish his new identity with you. If
you're patient and don't make rules and ultimatums, the relationship with
your son could evolve into something comfortable for you both, and you'd
wind up with a friendship with a child utterly unlike yourself, which is a
great gift. Don't reject this son. Dear Mr. Blue, My girlfriend's mother has a habit of grossly overspending on her
daughter
and me, especially at Christmas. She cannot afford her generosity, and
we cannot afford to reciprocate. It makes both of us uncomfortable. She
dismisses our protests and pleas for moderation and says she wants us to
have nice things. No "nice things" are as important to us as reducing our
debt and saving some money and, although it's not our concern, we feel
that this
should be her priority as well. Is there a more effective way to insist on
moderation? Overindulged Dear Overindulged, If you can accept the gifts gracefully, do, and say
thank you and don't examine the motive or question her means. Maybe the
mother grew up scraping by and wearing hand-me-downs and always
getting the cheapest brand and her love of nice things springs from this. It
is a sort of protest against the meanness and sadness of poverty, and
Christmas is when she can freely express it. Of course if her spending
becomes of pathological dimensions, you must intervene and not permit it,
but you don't suggest that it's gone quite that far. Her gifts do not require
reciprocation, and you shouldn't try. Try to give her things that you make,
that are personal -- a poem, a story, a photograph, a piece of handicraft
if you're handy, some personal service -- and give her things that show
evidence of thought and selection and appropriateness. The rightness of a
gift more than makes up for its modesty. Dear Mr. Blue, My parents face a dire problem. About 20 years ago, my father had a
relationship with another woman, and when my mother learned of it, it
nearly demolished the family; they lived apart for five years after that and
we kids shuttled between the two homesteads. Lately all has seemed well and I was so proud to see them apparently
rebuild a rewarding relation. Two days ago, Mom discovered a romantic
note to the other woman in Dad's handwriting. After several weak
denials, Dad finally admitted he's been writing this woman for some time. The crux is this: More than sex, my mom craves communication with her
husband, and he, being a tight-lipped 70-year-old Swede, rarely gives it.
But now that he's giving it to someone else, she feels totally rejected and
cast off. I gather that he feels she never really forgave him and is just
unable to talk to her. If you were me, what would you say or do? Puzzled Son Dear Puzzled, This is a grievous situation and I feel so sorry for both of
them, the hurt old woman and the stubborn old man. What you can say to
them is that you love both of them and that you are sorry for the pain.
There is nothing really for you to do, other than listen. Your mom and
dad must be full to their eyebrows with churning, unexpressed thoughts,
and if they choose to express them to you, then you should sit still and
listen, and reserve comment. Life is a struggle. Nobody gets through it
unmarked. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 32, working in Europe as a writer for a year. I am supposed to
return to the U.S. at the end of the year, but about two months ago I met
a guy, and the relationship has completely taken me by
surprise. I really like him, and am seriously considering staying. I don't
know if I want to live in Europe for an indefinite period of time, but I
don't know if I want to wonder if I left the love of my life either. How
can I figure out what to do? Confused Dear Confused, Come home, dear. The liaison with the alluring foreigner
will be all the lovelier for its brevity. Live, love, laugh, be happy, dread
the day of parting, have a last tearful dinner, say goodbye in the gate area,
kiss him again and again and again and again, weep for the vagaries of
fate and citizenship that have severed the slender thread of romance, and
then get on the plane and come home to Des Moines. Romance between
people of different cultures is a noble idea and extremely expensive to the
human spirit. After the first glow dims, simple things suddenly become
difficult. It takes a sort of dogged saintliness to make it work, and even at
its best, there are frequent periods of desperation. For example, the simple
matter of humor, which makes life bearable: You don't know how crucial
humor is until you're hitched up with someone who Does Not Get The
Joke. It makes you insane. You don't seem wildly in love with this
foreigner to justify staying and investing a lot in the relationship. It's a
very risky investment. | ||
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