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A childless future? | page 1, 2, 3
I am delighted, confused. For months, my senses have been
deliciously acute. Ordinary clouds are now as textured
and vivid as Tiffany stained-glass windows. Every
aroma and word presents itself for attention. Perhaps
Proust has come to live in my skull. For months, I slept poorly, waking repeatedly in the
night. I had buried an estranged parent, taken a new job
and experienced several other changes. And then I fell in love with the
woman I had worked with for two years, the one whom I woke up thinking
about in the night. There is no other face I would rather see, no
scent I would rather smell. I want to
write poetry and songs for her. I am married with two children. She is single and, at
37, over a decade younger. There is no sense in any of
this. All reason says this is foolish, pointless,
unworkable and just looking for trouble. My eye has not roved in 18 years of
marriage. This passion was sudden and unsought. What I want is to tell her I love her and tell everyone, and to maintain this intensity and joy forever, and to make her happy. Should I tell her how I feel? Should I
enjoy the bliss and accept that it will eventually
subside? Should I have only chaperoned lunches with her and keep
everything light? Inexplicably Happy Dear Happy, Your children are going to be inexplicably sad about this tale
when they find out; your departure would be a huge blow to them and
don't kid yourself about that. Eighteen years is a big story to suddenly tear
up and start writing a new one. You are in the throes of a beautiful
fantasy, like a man carried away at a movie. I suppose that if you
searched the country over, you'd find a few men who walked out on a
good marriage to hook up with a fascinating younger woman and who
were glad they did, but it would be a distinct minority compared with those
who leaped and landed in a swamp of misery and sorrow and regret and
who looked back at their leap with utter incredulity. Learn to appreciate
normal life and don't start singing opera in your 50s. Dear Mr. Blue, When I graduated from college 10 years ago I had no idea what I wanted
to do, only that I wanted to parlay my creative writing degree into a life
rich with words and ideas. I ended up as a dissatisfied high school
English teacher. Two years ago my wife and I moved to Los Angeles
where we hoped to start over. I've had a series of writing and editing jobs,
but I still don't know what I want to do exactly. Meanwhile, my wife
and I have both started feeling we want to start a family. The prospect of
struggling indefinitely has lost its appeal. Looking around, we envy our
friends who have achieved financial success and a comfortable life.
Suddenly law school has started to look very appealing. Is this how dreams get extinguished? My wife wants nothing
more than for me to be happy, but I don't think she deserves being
subjected to a life of poverty either, particularly since writing is not an
overwhelming passion with me. Are there any symptoms that might
indicate if writing is my true calling? What are the prospects for a writer
ever putting financial worries to rest? I trust in your bluntness to set me
straight. Last Gasp Before Law School Dear Last, OK, I'll be blunt. You'd be foolish to head for law school
armed with only the motive of achieving financial success. A passion for
the law is a prerequisite, even if you wind up negotiating divorces for
Hollywood stars. Why not write something that will earn you a nice
bundle? Or aim for the editorship of a big glossy magazine? Or do both.
It'll take you at least six or seven years to start earning real money as a
lawyer, and in the meantime you'll slave through law school and spend a
few more years of drudgery as a peon in a firm. Why not take two years
to write the big new book? Writing may not be your overwhelming
passion, but you can push yourself for a couple of years, can't you? Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a young journalist at a crossroads in my career. I've written for some
major dailies and alternative weeklies and like the weeklies for the editing
and the lively, intimate style. In the next few weeks, I expect to be offered
a position at a big daily. I'm afraid I'll be pigeonholed into writing lots of
snoozey 10-inch stories. But the money is right and my mom could tell her
friends I've finally made it big. Plus: A big paper has the resources that
might let me write some good stories. Any thoughts? Skeptical Dear Skeptical, Don't duck out for fear of the worst scenario, imagining
how a new job might degenerate. If you get a good offer, take it; if you
don't, tell them you need a better offer. You're young and you ought to
anticipate the best. Be bold. The genius of the popular media, including
print journalism, lies in its ability to keep absorbing new styles and fringe
viewpoints and to keep reinventing itself. Newspapers that don't welcome
bright young writers will limp into the woods bleeding and lie down and
die. You're not a mendicant here; you're the bringer of fire. And what's
wrong with making your mom proud? I ask you. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm "taking a break" from a two-year relationship with a man who
I'm not sure I want to marry. Our life together is fine (yet slightly
uninspiring and suffocating) and I love him, but I feel scarily passionless
about a future together. How do you tell the difference between settling
for too little and healthy compromise? Struggling Dear Struggling, You don't say anything wonderful about this man, not
even that you like his taste in socks or he makes good omelets, so why
continue? Life is too short to spend it in a marriage that's passionless and
suffocating from the start. This is not an intermission; this is the end of
the play; it's over; don't sit in the cold dark theater waiting for the lights
to come up. Put on your coat and go home. Dear Mr. Blue, I met a man in April. On the second date, we became intimate (I had
been celibate for five years). He is 45, divorced and was very
attentive until I got sick with Lyme disease and depression, but still we
kept in touch though he was traveling. In September, he asked me out
again. The date was wonderful, but I didn't hear
from him for another week, then we met again, then another 10 days
passed. Then I discovered he was also seeing an old girlfriend. I am in
such a depression. I care for him and cannot bear the thought of breaking
off with him. He said he needs to be alone for a while. What should I do? In the Dumps Dear In, This guy isn't interested. Maybe he's too polite to say so, but he
lost interest back there somewhere, maybe when you were feeling so bad,
and he's strung you along out of -- who knows what? Pity? Inertia?
You're fascinated by him because he was your first lover in a long time,
but it's over. He needs to be left alone by you. Turn away and find
someone new, someone who is glad to see you more than once in a while.
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