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DEAR MR. BLUE: A childless future?
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Dear Mr. Blue, I am a 36-year-old woman who, after years of dating reckless men, has
finally found a wonderful guy. He is 32, professional, caring,
loving, funny, attractive, and we are crazy about each other. We have
only been dating for three months, but it feels so right. We have even
talked about marriage. But he absolutely does not want kids. Period. He
doesn't want the responsibility. He is so certain that he had a nonreversible vasectomy. Until I met him, I just assumed that I would
someday have a child in my life. But that biological
alarm clock has never jolted me from my life as a single woman and made
me feel desperate for kids of my own. I am falling in love with this man. I am afraid I will get too deep in the
relationship to turn back, then resent him when I wake up at 45 with my
eggs dried up and no kids. But I also don't want to give up the first real,
honest, loving relationship of my adult life. What to do? Giving Up Something Dear Giving Up, Your interest in having a child is a result of your having
found the wonderful guy. Before, you vaguely "assumed" you'd have a
baby someday, but the sort of men you dated gave you no confidence in a
stable future and so having children wasn't an issue. Now, because you're
crazy about this man and it feels right, a child seems like a prospect,
though it probably would end the relationship that made you think of it in
the first place. You need to examine carefully his emotional reasoning against children
and think clearly about the prospect of not having children. If this prospect
is grim to you, and if he's adamant on the point and won't consider
adoption or a sperm donor, then you can't marry this man. It's a bad piece
of baggage to carry into a marriage. You should enter marriage free and
clear, with a whole heart, and if having a child is in your heart, you are
divided from the beginning. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a 23-year-old sort-of-professional woman, married, and
completely unable to choose a life course. I don't know
whether to join the Peace Corps, go to law school, both or neither.
I am madly in love with my husband who is also indecisive, idealistic
and fearful of making the wrong choices and would support any plan I
choose. How can a person make choices without looking back and having
serious regrets? Time is precious, and I don't want to waste it. I enjoy
the life I have but don't want to be stuck in the same place for 10 years.
I also want children before I am too old. Paralyzed Dear Paralyzed, You can't live life without making mistakes and having
regrets. (Maybe someday you'll look back and regret this period of
indecision.) So press onward. And enjoy being madly in love. Thoreau
said, "Advance confidently in the direction of your dreams, and you will
meet with a success undreamed of in your waking hours." Old Henry
experienced some career uncertainties too and learned to enjoy confusion
along with everything else. I can't recommend law school if you're
indecisive about it. Spend a day in a law library, reading Supreme Court
decisions, and see if, at sunset, you feel inspired or bored to tears. The
Peace Corps is a fine choice for idealistic people who need an intermission
in their lives, a period when you do something entirely different for a few
years and emerge from it with a clearer sense of who you are and what's
important. Don't spend the time being bored in a job you hate, and don't
commit to a Big Choice you're not sure of. I recommend having an
adventure, working abroad, hiking across America, canoeing the Red
River of the North, doing something that you and the mister can tell your
children about and elicit their stunned amazement. It's hard to amaze kids.
Now's your chance. Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Mr. Blue, I've been married to my husband for a little over a year now. He's a good guy -- smart, funny, imaginative, affectionate, domesticated, devoted to me. But I don't like the way he talks to me sometimes. There is an undercurrent of sarcasm in his voice if I ask what he considers a stupid or pointless question, or if I forget something or make a mistake. He says that's just the way he talks, but when I hear him talking that way to my friends, or worse yet, to my mom, it appalls me. His parents are divorced and he spent a lot of time alone when he was a kid, and I don't think he developed good social skills. He is very bright and is often frustrated by people who are not. But I resent being treated that way. I have told him about this repeatedly, argued, cried, even tried to be sarcastic back, and nothing helps. Do you think this is something he can change? Any suggestions? Condescendee Dear Condescendee, I know what you mean. It's adolescent and it's painful to be around. I broke up with an old pal years ago because his condescension was unbearable. I hope your husband can change, but you should stop begging him to, stop arguing about it, don't cry and please don't be sarcastic in return. Refuse to respond when he's in condescending mode: Tell him, plainly and pleasantly, "I can't talk to you when you adopt that tone of voice. Let's discuss it later." Deal with it cleanly, without irritation. He isn't a bad person, he simply is playing the wrong song. And try not to let this put a damper on your own enthusiasms and your sense of curiosity and delight. In the end, love and joy can triumph, if you don't let sarcasm and anger make you dour. Dear Mr. Blue, About five years ago, amid a career I thoroughly enjoyed, I was mugged and seriously injured on the job. Since I was employed in a "helping profession," injuries (both physical and psychological) have hindered my sincerest efforts to regain the skills necessary to return to a career that was my passion, my identity and my life. Even after several years of therapy, this simply seems to elude me. How can I be of help to fellow human beings when I am, quite honestly, afraid of them? Is this one of life's cruel jokes? Off Duty Dear Off, A physical attack is very traumatic, in the truest sense of the word, but if therapy hasn't worked for you, I think you need to change course and find other work. Five years is a long time to try to resume your career; the goal may become more elusive the harder you pursue it. So relinquish it. Stop looking at the mountain: It only gets bigger and bigger. Take another route. Find something else to occupy yourself, something utterly unlike the old career. Pursue it for a year or two and allow your anxieties to subside.
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