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Murder, she wrote | page 1, 2, 3
What to do, what to do ... I am not fond of the woman I've been dating for
the last three months, but I don't want to let her go because the sex is
incredible. I don't think she is fond of me either, but she just keeps me
around for sex. It's making us both crazy, but that just turns us
on even more! Make it stop! Froggy Dear Froggy, Keep going. You're part of an experiment. If hostility is
the true cause of sexual excitement, then there are a lot of people who
need to know this now while they're able to take advantage of the
information. It is so much easier to find someone you dislike. You can
save many readers a lot of time. Report back in six months. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a writer and a mother of four, married to a nice man, a doctor, who
is supportive but busy. My days are full and happy and things around this
house are going well.
My father died three years ago, and my mother, who is 73, is living three
hours away on a mildly slippery slope of declining health. The town in
which she lives, my old hometown, is a place I have nothing but bad
memories of. I want her to move to our city where she could enjoy
my kids and be near a good health-care system. I know that somewhere
in the foreseeable future, she'll have a serious decline and it will all
fall on me, the house selling, the nursing-home placement, the everything. My mother resists the idea of moving. How do I convince her? Guilty Daughter Dear Daughter, You can plead, you can coax, you can threaten, but it's
her life, her home, her town, and she is likely to hang on to what she loves
as long as she possibly can. Try to respect that. Your motive is a little
shaky, wanting to corral her so as to make it easier for yourself, so give
this campaign a rest. Of course, eventually she'll need some assistance,
and you can plan for that day, and think about which specific rock she
should jump to. But she'll be less likely to come visit you and enjoy your
family if she senses a plot to cut the ground out from under her. Someday,
when she is teetering on the brink of disaster, you may need to get tough
with the old bird, but for now, allow her her independence. Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a writer, 22, who has just dropped out of a postgraduate program that would have guaranteed admission to medical school, had I done well. I may come back in a few years, when I'm ready, but meanwhile, I have yet to tell my parents, who will be disappointed, to say the least. How do I face the next two months? Should I go home to California where I will be browbeaten by my family for being a failure? Should I spend the winter as a ski instructor in Utah? Should I get a real job in Chicago? I just need to establish some independence, squirrel away some money and clean up these short stories. Plan B Dear Plan, Don't go home, of course. And why get a real job? You're young. Enjoy your life. If you want to spend the winter in Utah, teaching New Yorkers how to navigate the deep powder, this is the year to do it. You're 22, you can live on cold pizza and Pepsi and thrive on accidental encounters and overheard conversation and a little romance here and there. Write your parents a long letter and tell them exactly what happened to you and how you feel about medical school and tell them you love them dearly. And then go off and have a good winter. Dear Mr. Blue, A simple and yet extraordinarily difficult problem. This man and I are quite mutually smitten. However, his breath is very bad. He has a host of wonderful qualities and I want to pursue the relationship, but is there a tactful way to handle this problem? Holding my Breath Dear Holding, Your question takes me back to the Listerine commercials
of my youth in which the man was portrayed with stink lines spreading
like sonar waves from his mouth, people shrinking from him in revulsion.
Some things have changed since then, and now we accept a little more
frankness between friends. You can hint around, mention garlic, express
concern about your own breath, but in the end you may need to whack
him with the plain truth. Give him a box of pocket-size mouthwashes and
tell him, "My dear love, your breath has been sour lately, and I would like
you to start using these." He may be stunned initially, but deep down he'll
be profoundly grateful for the suggestion and take it as a token of your
esteem. Unless he's a complete dolt, in which case he'll resent it. It's
good to test him at this point for doltishness.
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