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One year ago, my star was rising as a professional. I started a job that offered prestige,
money and a way out of a stale situation. It didn't work out, and I voluntarily left. Since
then, much to my chagrin, I have not been able
to secure work despite excellent credentials. I am beginning to feel unemployable.
I am in a funk. I find myself awakening later each day, doing mundane tasks to occupy my
hands and mind. When everybody talks about a tight labor market, I can't help but wonder
what is wrong with me? Befuddled in Brooklyn Dear Befuddled, You're unemployed, and that can be bewildering and scary to anybody, no
matter how professional. Really. It's like getting lost in the woods: You know there's a road
somewhere nearby and you feel a little panicky that you may miss it. Sit down and get your
bearings and calm your funk. Write out a plan for your job search. Be specific. Make a list
of people who might help. And then start calling. Meanwhile, make a project for yourself,
something to improve your professional skills, something that gets you out of the house
every day: a piece of research, say, that gets you into the library, maybe involves some
interviews in the field, and that winds up in a piece of writing. As for the labor market being
tight: yes, in theory it is, but not necessarily in your profession and in Brooklyn. Eventually
you may need to make a move. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a 41-year-old single mother of two boys, both of them under the age of 5, so I stay
home with them and work part-time. I want to start dating, but I have a
problem meeting eligible men. I go to church regularly, but single men don't
seem to do the same. Do you have any suggestions? Stella by Starlight Dear Stella, If you were 16 you'd attend football games with a herd of other girls and have a
herd of boys to ogle and flirt with, but there aren't so many 41-year-old single men out
milling around, and no place to find them in herds, so you must search. You can do this
directly and indirectly -- directly, by placing a personals ad in some publication that you
yourself might read, and indirectly, by putting your social life into a higher gear and pushing
yourself out into the current. This is not easily managed in your situation, but let the boys'
dad do some baby-sitting and you get out and mill. You look by not looking, by engaging in
group life, crusading or bird-watching or discussing or whatever you hanker for. Anybody is
more attractive in purposeful action than in repose. Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 45 and have been dating a 50-year-old guy for three years now. He treats my daughter and two sons real well and is a perfect gentlemen to me. He ran a tree-cutting service, which failed, and then a dry-cleaning service, ditto, and is now trying to make money off the Web. He is always telling me that we will be buying a big home any day now. I have my own apartment and pay all expenses. When he has money he will buy my groceries, but that is about all he can do. He has been living at home with his parents for eight years. Do you think things will change? Will he ever get a good job and make some money? I just can't afford this relationship. Dubious Dear Dubious, I would be dubious too. One can hold out hope that the whistle will blow and the ship will come in, but I wouldn't start packing my bags if I were you. What it comes down to, my dear, is, exactly how amusing is this man? A guy who can't pull his own weight has to be able to make up for it in sheer entertainment value. If you're broke, you better be a good dancer. Dear Mr. Blue, I live with a man who, in our best times, makes me cry for joy, but who, after three years in AA and 10 years of sobriety, has gone back to drinking, thinking he can handle it socially, when all signs point to the fact that he can't. When he's had too much to drink, he turns from a funny, lighthearted, kind man into a cold, distant and angry one. We had talked about marriage. Now I'm wondering whether to stick around to see how he'll destroy everything he's worked so hard to build or whether to leave him. When he's not drinking, he brings me a joy I never knew was possible. My sense of commitment to him is strong, but I don't want to lose myself, my dignity or my wonderful memories of him. What should I do? My own soul searching only brings more questions, and I'm confused enough now that I don't see any answers on the horizon. Searching for Answers Dear Searching, Your lover is in a struggle, and if you want to find out more about it, there are organizations for families of alcoholics, such as Al-Anon, and there are books, but essentially it is his struggle and your role can only be to tell the truth. Attend some AA meetings to get some perspective. Visit a rehab-detox center and inquire about programs for people in relationships with alcoholics. Your future with this man depends on your gaining your own understanding of the disease. Don't get entangled with him when he's in his cold and angry phase; turn your back on it; don't discuss the drinking with him, unless you can collect some allies and form an intervention committee to confront him. Of course if life becomes unbearably sad for you, you'll need to create some distance between you and him. But you should stay while you can, if he still brings you joy. Dear Mr. Blue, My husband's family is Dutch. They have distinct personal boundaries and no apparent need for intimacy with other people, including each other. When we married, I valued his practical traits and wanted to flee my own crazy, enmeshed family. I loved the freedom he and I gave each other. But now I want romance and tenderness and to share my life with someone, and he's wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I do love him but I feel lonely. I've tried to tell him this but don't know how to say it without offending him. Chilling Dear Chilling, You married him for his strength and independence; try to imagine that he
married you for your warmth, your outgoing nature, your charm, and now he needs you to
demonstrate it. It's like teaching him a new language, it takes patience and perseverance and
repetition. And you teach it by speaking that language, not by sitting down and discussing
the need to speak that language. You show your husband what you need by offering it to
him. You receive romance and tenderness by being tender and romantic, over and over. You
know how to do this and he doesn't. But he can learn.
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