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You told one reader concerned about her husband's smoking, "When he's
ready to stop, have him write to me and I'll tell him how." Care to jump the gun and share your advice now? I just awakened at 2 a.m. only to have a
smoke. I would be grateful for any advice. Nicotine-Addled in New York Dear Nicotine-Addled, You stop smoking by deciding to and meaning it. I quit because I was tired of feeling bad,
tired of worrying about it, tired of thinking about quitting. That was back in the days when
you smoked in your office and went to other people's homes and expected to find ashtrays. Three methods helped me: 1) I set a date when I would quit; 2) I quit with a friend and we
promised each other that if we were tempted to smoke again, we'd call the other one up on
the phone and tell him; and 3) in advance of the date, I cut down my intake severely by
eliminating categories of cigarettes, e.g., the early-morning smoke, the telephone smokes, the
car smokes, the post-9 p.m. smokes, etc. I gradually removed smoking from my daily
routine and placed it in smaller and smaller ghettoes. And then the night before D-Day, I
stayed up late and smoked a whole bunch and thought back on how much I had enjoyed
cigarettes and how they'd figured in my life and I smoked my last one and went to bed. The
next few days were hard, but far from unbearable: I ate a lot of popcorn, chewed gum,
devoured apples, went to movies, walked a lot and stayed away from my routine. After the
first week, it became noticeably easier to do without them. After a month, it was all over
except for the occasional twinge. I am not a powerfully resolute person, and if I could quit, I
believe anyone can. Dear Mr. Blue, I've been in a wonderful relationship with a man for about 10 months. He has an ex whom
he's still friends with and spends time with (dinner and a movie or TV date), but she will
not spend time with him and me together. I've met her twice and she seems to ignore me,
preferring to focus on him. What's the deal? Going Along Dear Going, Three is an awkward number socially, especially when two each have a separate relationship
to the third, and being a couple is so much pleasanter. The gentleman enjoys her company,
and she his, and why not, and you enjoy his company, and nothing suggests that she'd enjoy
yours, and so why push it?
Dear Mr. Blue, I have been a fool. I am in my 20s, work
in New York, and for most of the past two years, I have been
involved with a lovely, intelligent, graceful, sexy, caring, divorced woman in her 30s.
Our relationship was wondrous but I wasn't ready to commit so I took a break in June. I
returned in July, ready for commitment. In late August, she announced that she
couldn't herself recommit, that the passion was not there, that she
needed to find herself, alone. She told me that our
relationship was the best, most loving, most caring, most healthy
she had ever had, but she never, I think, gave our
reconnecting a serious chance. I don't know if she has found someone new, or she never really loved
me, or I have not expressed myself well enough. But without her in my life, I cannot sleep; I
sweat; I cry; my hands tremble; I despair; I drink to block it out. I tried to date again,
to get on, but I knew I was cheating on my love. My hope is that her heart has not closed to
me completely. How to make her see what I feel? Despairing Dear Despairing, Assume that she wasn't ready to take you back in July, so soon after you
walked away. She didn't find someone new, she really did love you, but perhaps what you
call taking "a break" seemed to her like rejection and wounded her. In any case, you should
tell her how you feel. Preferably when sober and not weeping or trembling. You may get
only one chance to tell her; it would be far, far better for you if the meeting came at her
instigation. Wait a while for your phone to ring. Then call her and invite her to dinner. Sit in
candlelight, order a wonderful meal and splurge on the wine, and somewhere between the
appetizer and the soup make your bid for her heart. Tell her succinctly that you love her,
you want her in your life, and you're miserable without her. And tell yourself that if she
says no, then that's the end of it, and you'll kiss her goodbye and soldier on. Dear Mr. Blue, I've been married 12 years to a man whom I have long felt I love far more than he loves
me. We have an enchanting 4-year-old daughter, and he is a very good father, and I believe
he loves me "in his own way." But he has been indelibly
stamped by a horrible father who is a famous overachiever and has had an "infantilizing"
effect on him. I have trouble dealing with
this, his childishness, his unassertiveness, his lack of strong feelings for me. We are in a
really rough patch right now. I am very impatient and at times utterly unloving toward
him. I am angry and act in a way I do not like at all, but I seem helpless to change. Do you
have any suggestions how I can accept my husband for who he is
and hold onto our marriage? Suffering Dear Suffering, This is a long-standing, deep-seated misery, and I know no way to deal with it
other than to go through the process of sitting in a room with your husband and a caring
professional for a couple of hours every week and talking this out. You should be careful
about your anger, careful not to leap to the conclusions you state in your note, but clearly you
are at an impasse, behaving badly and being unable to change, and if you both can commit to
the process of examining your lives together, there's hope for you. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm 40, a social worker in a child protection services agency, which is a very stressful job. I was
relatively happy until things began to fall apart a year ago. A death in the family and
relationship problems and job stress led to depression, which counseling and medication
helped -- but a leave from work helped even more. I've been back to work for about five
months and it's becoming unbearable. I'd like to quit the job and start over, but I have
20 years seniority and in 10 years, I can retire with a good pension. I'm too
burned out to do a good job where I am, but I'm not being allowed to transfer
to a less stressful position. Should I go or should I stay? Crispy Dear Crispy, You shouldn't go until you've pushed for a transfer any way you can, through a grievance
procedure, through direct appeals to higher officials and, if nothing else works, through
legal action. I am not qualified to advise you on any of this, but I'm sure that civil service
offers you a route for petitioning for reassignment on medical grounds. It's tedious, I'm
sure, and involves forms and interviews, but you're used to that by now. Don't let your
misery make you passive.
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