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DEAR MR. BLUE: Rarin' to go
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Dear Mr. Blue, I am 40 and have had a weight problem all of my life. I recently lost about 79 pounds and am
looking somewhat normal (although I have more to lose). I've been married for 12 years
and all throughout our married life, the sexual side of our relationship was nothing to write
home about. My husband is a wonderful man and is thoughtful, kind and romantic in other
ways. Our sex life began to dwindle to nothing, and despite extensive medical tests, it still is
a problem. Whenever we try (and it's been about two years now), nothing really happens. I
have never approved of adultery, but I find myself on the brink of a midlife crisis of sorts. I want to get rid of things in my house (we're a pair of pack rats), streamline things and get
organized. And I want sex. I'm kind of clueless when it comes to someone making a pass at me, but I think that a man
(unattached) is being flirtatious with me. I know nothing good can come of this and I'm not
really pursuing anything, but I will admit that if I got a phone call asking for a weekend
meeting, I'd be there, consequences be damned. I've discussed the lack of a sex life with my husband, who admits it's psychological, and I tell
him that I cannot be sure what I'll do if someone were to make a pass at me given my state.
He says nothing, but he's more affectionate toward me. (Nothing sexual, just hugs and
kisses.) I'd like to be reckless and do something exciting. I care for my husband, but the reality is
that I'm bored and restless. Any thoughts? B&R Dear B&R, Your giddiness is understandable, given all that weight loss. My gosh, you've
shucked the equivalent of about five bowling balls, or a 10-year-old child, or a stack of
encyclopedias. So you're raring to go, gunning your engines, waiting for Raoul to call up
and invite you to dance. Good for you. Don't dismiss your husband. He clearly cares about
you. Draw out the hugs and kisses a little longer and see if they don't develop into
something. Maybe try shocking him a little, with some forthright bawdiness. In other words,
play with him. Of course it's a psychological problem, to engage in intimacy that you
abandoned two years ago. It'd be hard to go out onstage and perform after two years off, or
fly a plane, or do backflips, but you need to be bold and take steps. And in the meantime,
pull that dumpster up to the house and start divesting yourself of junk. This might well have
a good general effect, clearing the decks, getting ready for something new in your life. In the
end, it's up to your husband to find out (with your help) whether he is your partner or not,
and if he is not your partner, then it's up to you to decide what to do with him. Dear Mr.Blue, I am a 59-year-old divorcee and have met a woman 10 years younger
who really makes my heart beat faster. We have been out on three
dates and have kissed and held hands. I think she likes me, but so far I haven't
managed to make a date with her on Saturday -- she always says she is busy.
How do I find out if she has someone else and I am on the second team?
Also, do you have some advice on when it is permissible to ask your date to go
Dutch, if you know she can afford to. Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Relief Pitcher Dear Relief, Keep your heart rate up and enjoy her company and don't try to scope out too much too soon. She'll tell you there's someone else, if there is someone else and if she feels a conflict. Maybe she's spending Saturday nights playing Parcheesi with her aged parents. As for getting her to pay half, I recommend fumbling with the check. Don't snatch it from the waiter. Set it on the table and ponder it and see if this doesn't elicit an offer to pay half. If she doesn't volunteer, then you have to be explicit up front and say, "How would you like to go Dutch to the International House of Pancakes tomorrow evening, mon cheri?" A third option is to go someplace cheap, like the drive-up window at Burger King, but try fumbling first. Dear Mr. Blue, My boyfriend has been living with me and my 18-year-old daughter for seven months. At times we are very happy, then there are times I don't know where the relationship is going. He is 35 and has been married three times. About three weeks ago he started getting on the Internet and looking up single women in the area and trading pictures. Well, of course that upsets me. He claims he is just playing with them. He says he needs to feel like he is wanted by women. He claims he loves me but that there is an ingredient missing in our relationship and he can't figure it out. Sometimes he feels like he needs to move out of the house and see other women to see if he can find it, but he still wants me there to wait for him to figure it out. Well, I won't do that. What should I do? Should I let him find himself or let him go? I am really confused. I love him and want to be with him. He has promised he will not see anyone as long as he is living under my roof. He doesn't want to move, or so he says. I need someone to help me understand. Confused Dear Confused, Your boyfriend may have some clunky emotional baggage from a previous relationship. Perhaps he is confused about his own feelings, after all his romantic adventures, and is playacting with anonymous women, flirting with them, re-living some fond moments in his colorful past. You are being extraordinarily patient about this. He was probably deeply in love with at least one of the three wives, and though he loves you, the heart is only capable of so many great leaps and then it can't leap anymore. The missing ingredient is a passion he had in the past and can't have anymore, and he doesn't know how to settle for what he has, which is love. This isn't a happy situation. Perhaps it will improve over time, but do you have the patience for that? And is this a safe and comfortable situation for your daughter? Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a 20-year-old college student. When I was in Berlin the summer before last, I met a 40-year-old physicist with whom I lost my virginity. Our time together was lovely: We went dancing every night and enjoyed ourselves, and I felt we loved each other. We have stayed in contact since then, and he has repeatedly suggested coming to visit me in the States, although I keep putting him off. Next semester I go back to Berlin for six months. I don't know whether we should start up again or not. I'm not sure I can believe he loves me outside of my youth. I haven't let him come visit me because I wouldn't want my friends and family to find out I'm dating a much older man. Now I have to decide what to do when I get back to Berlin. I loved him and felt wonderful with him, and the sex was above and beyond. I haven't felt that with any other man since. What is the right thing to do? Liebe und Schmerz Dear Liebe, You had a big fling and enjoyed yourself and then, returning home, you put him behind you. You were embarrassed by him and couldn't let your friends and family know. And thereby, you decided that, though you loved him and felt wonderful with him and he was a great lover, the romance had no future. If you thought it had, then you'd have braved the scrutiny and shown him around. Now, returning to Berlin, you're tempted to strike up with him again. This would be slightly dishonest, no? If he had been only infatuated with your youth, I think you would have known. Obviously something about him -- his age, perhaps -- troubles you. I don't think you can go back and relive that old fling, and since this romance has no future, what's the point of seeing him?
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