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Could I have been any more inept? | page 1, 2, 3
After a few years seeing a wonderful man, most of it long-distance, it
turns out he cheated on me while stationed in a lonely and bleak
place. It happened soon after we got serious. I found out about it by
accident, reading a detailed (and beautifully written) account
of the affair. I believe him when he says it was a brief affair that has ceased to have
any good memories at all. Now it's the deceit that bothers me more than the actual
transgression. I feel incredibly weak for wanting him back; am I just looking
to get hurt again by doing so? Do you think we can get over this
and move on? I'm 26 and it's my first significant relationship,
so I fear I'm being naive. Heartsick Dear Heartsick, I'm sorry you had to read a beautifully written account of your boyfriend's
unfaithfulness, which must have hurt terribly and which surely makes his transgression all
the more memorable for you. Were I in your situation, it would just about kill me, I'm sure,
so I don't think it's weak of you to want him back but rather a sign of strength. Yes, I think
you can get over this, but who knows if you should or whether this relationship can stand
up? A long-distance romance consists of a little information and a lot of fantasy, and you're
young, and you need to know him better. Deep in your lovely young heart you know
whether his company is delicious and lovely to you or worrisome and problematic, and that's
your immediate guide. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 19 and have been writing fiction for over a year now, during which time I've racked up a
grand total of 65 rejection slips and zero acceptance letters. Is this normal? A fair number of editors have written to tell me they think I have talent and
want to see more of my work. Two said they turned me down only
because of space constraints. So what do I do? I've thought of moving
to The City with my paltry savings; I've thought of joining the Army. I've
thought of throwing in the rag, but the fact is that writing is in my heart. I'll starve, I'll
beg, but I won't give up. Any advice? Reject Dear Reject, I'm in awe of your ambition and industry. At this rate, you're going to wear
out your mailman. My advice is to slow down the rate of submissions and focus on the
writing for a while and live your life. Don't come to The City to be a writer: It's too
expensive and will eat up your substance, and there are too many writers there already and
the raw material it offers you has their fingerprints on it. The Army isn't a bad choice for a
writer at all. For one thing, it puts you in intimate daily contact with an interesting segment
of society that begs to be written about. Imagine going to a writers' conference 10 years from
now: Everyone else has an M.F.A. and is writing a novel about a young academic having an
identity crisis and you're writing about a platoon of rednecks and homeboys slogging through
the swamps of South Carolina. But you can figure all of that out. You know you want to
write, you're writing, you're on your way. Dear Mr. Blue, I recently had an affair and my husband discovered it. After confronting me and finally
agreeing to the marital therapy I had suggested before the affair, he went through my
computer and my office and discovered my writings about the affair. He now routinely
reads my e-mail and requires me to carry a cell phone and a pager.
The affair is over and I do want to save my marriage, but I find his
obsession with violating my privacy difficult. It makes me angry. I
understand that he is wounded, but I also believe that he focuses on the
affair and not our problems that led to such unhappiness. Prisoner Dear Prisoner, You're right to resent this, and so would anyone, but you're right to be
patient and understanding, as you seem to be. The man is wounded and angry. Having been
unfaithful, you are not in a strong position to demand trust and privacy. Let the anger blow
over. He'll get bored with the surveillance eventually. I assume that the marital therapy is
still going on, and that this is doing some good, helping him focus on the main issues. He
can't let the affair become his permanent bone to pick. There has to be a time limit. Be as
patient as you're able to be, and then put the pager away and change your e-mail password. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 27, making good money, and am a terrible employee. At work, I have the attention
span of a 7-year-old desperate for Ritalin. I chose this day job as a technical writer in order
to support my true passion, which is fiction writing. But my passion finds its way into the 8
to 5, and I feel guilty for it. I'm with a wonderful company that treats us like kings and what
do I do? I make my deadlines, but while everyone else's head is cocked over the keyboard,
immersed in the latest technology news, I am busy jotting down passages in my notebook. I
feel guilty that I am unethical to my company because I work about 40 percent of the time
I'm paid for. Sometimes I feel like these amazingly decent people deserve better. Am I the
lazy con artist that I feel like? Irresponsible Dear Irresponsible, You do your work, you make your deadlines, and that's good enough.
Don't feel bad that you're not Employee of the Century. You're not working hard but you're
working smart. You're keeping your mind fresh. You're keeping your morale up. Forty
percent of your time may be worth 80 percent of someone else's. Anyway, let the
company set up the hurdles, and you just do your best to jump them. And someday, those
old burnt-out technical writers hunched over their computers will look up and see, on the
bulletin board, a clipping of a review of your new book and a photo of you looking
glamorous and successful and an interview in which you speak glowingly of your old
employers at TechnoPassion and how understanding everyone was. This will bring tears to
the old burn-outs' red-rimmed eyes and they will bless you. They will be proud to have had
you in their work area. Dear Mr. Blue, I feel at the end of my rope. I am a 41-year-old woman, never married, no
children. Two years ago I fell in love with a 29-year-old man, handsome, very
charming, seductive, noncommittal, consistently late, doesn't call
when he says he will, self-absorbed, careless with others'
feelings. I told him goodbye but I am still very much in love with him after
a year. On top of this unrequited love, I've been suffering from depression
(am taking medication, seeing a therapist). My father, grandmother and aunt
all died in the past two years and two of my best friends have moved out
of town. I feel so lonely, lost and bereft. I am a shy person and am
trying to meet new people. I am dating, and corresponding with some men over the Net, but
my heart aches and I want this man. I realize the loneliness is
probably driving me, but I just can't seem to come out of this. I suppose I
want to hear he may come around and that I won't feel this way forever. I belong to a
meditation group, study Buddhism, work out at the gym and volunteer, but my energy is
dissipating and I feel I don't have much more in me to keep on trying. And I still come
home to an empty apartment and an empty heart. Lost In D.C. Dear Lost, Some people spread out their troubles over a stretch of time, and you got to pay
your dues in one big balloon. It shows your strength of spirit that you're keeping busy and
tending to your spiritual life and doing your sit-ups and flirting with guys on the Internet.
First of all, the unrequited romance with the young prince is an absolute killer. Oh, Baby, I
wish you hadn't. I wish you'd fallen in love with some old Republican bull moose or a drone
at the Federal Reserve, instead of this particular spider. Your description of him is telling --
we all know the type -- and I hope he doesn't come around again, Baby, because he's only
an actor and you're for real. You have a heart to give, he doesn't. If he comes around,
you're back at square one. You've put in one year of hard time without him, and the next
year is going to be easier than the last one. I know that's not much consolation. I assume that
the depression is under control, that the therapy is working for you. Is it possible for you to
take a small step or two toward relieving that daily loneliness? This is a burden for shy
persons, and you might consider alleviating it by taking a roommate or finding a living
situation that gives you some society and conversation and laughter at the end of your day.
(Just make sure it's someone who can make you laugh.) It's a small step, but it helps to
break that big silence. You're not messed up, you've only absorbed a lot of punishment, and
it'd be good for your spirits to have other people in your life, nonromantic ones, steady
ones. Is this possible? I'd also suggest that you be careful not to get run down -- it sounds
like you're busier than I am -- and be watchful of the depression. Medication needs
monitoring. But you know that and now I'm blathering. I just want you to stick with the
program for a while and let the waters subside and wait for the trees to bloom again. Your
40s will be a good decade, and your 50s even better. Your father, grandmother and
aunt depend on you to carry forward the family banner. Take care of yourself. And quit
hanging around royalty. | ||
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