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DEAR MR. BLUE: Could I have been any more inept?
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Oct. 26, 1999 |
This is a lesson I was taught in childhood: Thou shalt not create temptations for
other people. Lock up your bicycle. Keep your money in your wallet. Keep your diary in
your drawer. Of course it's wrong to open the book and to read the innermost thoughts of
your true love ("I sit looking up at the clouds & think of all the unanswered questions in my
life -- so much beauty and yet sadness everywhere & I too am a seeker, longing for
something true to my heart, the essence of my being, the source of the passion deep in my
soul, my dream of riding happily on the wind"), though it is a darn near universal urge. My
advice to the guilty miscreant was: Shut the book, stick it in her clothes drawer and don't
worry about it. And if you're writing something you don't want anyone to read, make sure
you put it in a place where nobody will innocently stumble upon it. Thanks for your mail. Onward. Dear Mr. Blue, About a year and a half ago, I told my wife of 17 years that I was having
unwanted feelings of sexual attraction to another woman. I asked
her to go see a counselor with me. She refused, saying she didn't think it
did any good, that it was my problem. Well, stupidly I took this as
abandonment and fired off a letter to the other woman, telling her I admired her, etc., etc.,
but also that I love my wife because I was certain she would tell my wife about the
letter since they are good friends. Bingo, I was right. The other woman
presented my wife with the letter. That led to 18 months of sheer hell, which is where
I am now. My wife still feels very rejected and hurt and says she just
can't get over her anger. (And she still won't see a counselor.) I tell her
I love her and she is the most important person in the world to me. Help! Pining Away Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Pining, This is truly the most inept attempt at adultery since Jimmy Swaggart went to the motel with the hooker, and your wife should have taken pity on you for your innocence. Most Boy Scouts would have been able to arrange an illicit liaison better than this. First, you fell for your wife's friend, then you told your wife that you had and then you wrote it all out in a letter. Incredible. I believe that you do love your wife, that you need her and that 18 months is way too long for her to be angry. Tell her you can't bear this and that if she can't forgive you, you will have to absent yourself from her wrath: A man can't eat anger for breakfast and sleep with it at night and not suffer damage to his soul. And then find a temporary place to live until she comes to her senses. But not her friend's house, please. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a reasonably good-looking professional man who suffers from paralyzing shyness and so has had little dating experience. I recently met a very attractive woman who I've gone out with a couple of times, and things look promising. But I am extremely nervous about when it gets to the stage where we might want to go to bed together, even though I'm very attracted to her. I'm afraid that my lack of experience will be obvious, and that this would turn her off. I don't feel comfortable discussing my past with her; I'm afraid of coming across as pathetic or weird. How do I alleviate these fears without making a fool of myself? Longing but Nervous Dear Longing, Forget about your lack of experience and focus on the experience you're having now, enjoying her company, talking to her, holding her hand, kissing her, holding her shoulders. Sex is not a mechanical act that fails for lack of technique, and it is not a performance by the male for the audience of the female; it is a continuum of attraction that extends from the simplest conversation and the most innocent touching through the act of coitus. Your lack of experience and your shyness say nothing whatsoever about your future as a lover: You might well be a great lover -- for one thing, you're modest, and that's a good start. Don't push, don't be anxious and do learn to enjoy this woman's body as she comes to trust you and invite you to be close to her. Enjoy the sensation of sitting beside her, your arm over her shoulders. This will take time to fully relish, so don't be in a rush to reach the next step; there is no "next" -- she is one and the same woman, you're the same man. Enjoy lying next to her fully clothed on the grass looking up at trees and feeling her hip, thigh, leg adjoining your own. Then there's the delight of walking with a woman, your arm around the small of her back, your finger hooked into her belt loop, your arm riding along loosely and feeling the sway and thrust of her hips. Eventually, if she and you wish, it leads to a dim room and a bed and the two of you naked, embracing. This moment is a continuation of the other moments. It isn't the Goal, and she's not the Trophy: It simply is your conversation entering into the realm of dance. You're ready to do this when you're able to be with her and happily lose self-consciousness and feel emotionally joined to her.
Dear Mr. Blue, Recently, I was reprimanded at work for not paying attention to detail. I accepted the criticism graciously, but I was stripped of some of my duties and I feel like an idiot. (I've been in this job for a year.) I have two master's degrees and a B.A. from a prestigious college, but I feel I've been labeled "incompetent" and have ruined any chances for promotion. It's a public-service job and the pay is low and I am far away from my family and I have an onerous student loan debt and no friends here. I'm finding it hard to get motivated and wonder if I'm just not cut out for this line of work. Please help! Depressed Dear Depressed, Look for another job. Leave this one while you can still get a good recommendation from them. Think about finding a job in the private sector, one that pays more, maybe in another city, maybe one closer to your family. A move can have a great tonic effect, and believe me, a bad work situation tends not to get better, it tends to sour and fester. So many people get trapped in a cave of a job and the effect on their spirits is disastrous. Good luck, kid. Don't let the bastards get you down.
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