To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > Books Oct. 19, 1999 URL: http://www.salon.com/books/col/keil/1999/10/19/lying Caught looking My teenage son is surfing porn sites on the Web and lying to me about it. Which offense is worse? - - - - - - - - - - - - By Garrison Keillor Dear Mr. Blue, My son will be 15 next week. About a year ago, I discovered him surfing porn sites on the Web. I told him that I didn't want our computer used for that and he was not allowed to do it. I feel that adolescents don't have the maturity to handle that. Recently I noticed that he was using the computer only when I was out of the house. I reminded him of my rule, reminded him that trust is very important between a mother and a son who wants to drive soon, and informed him that I knew a way to see what Web pages had been visited from our computer. He looked me straight in the eyes and said that he wasn't surfing those sites. Of course, when I checked, I discovered that he had been and with the evidence at hand, he admitted it. I know that adolescents test their limits, and he is actually a very good boy (kind of a smart aleck but also funny, fun, good student, good athlete, affectionate, talkative). But the lying worries me. This is not the first time that he has lied to me. I somehow have failed to lay a moral foundation that says to him, "Lying is wrong and I shouldn't do it." In other words, I'm afraid that the only thing that works with him is the vulgar threat of consequences. Any suggestions? My husband (a psychiatrist) thinks it isn't that big a deal, that he's just being an adolescent boy, but still, I'd like to hear your thoughts. Mom Dear Mom, One of the ugly little secrets of the information revolution is the ubiquity of pornography and its powerful attraction. Especially to adolescents. The reason for the lying is the sheer power of the temptation. You can fight back by using one of the available anti- pornography software programs, but I don't think you should get into a knock-down fight over the issue of lying. It's terribly important for you to keep a close, warm relationship with your son and that is the context for this discussion, that lying destroys closeness, honesty promotes it. But you have to accept, then, that your son's interest in seeing sexual pictures cannot be thwarted by you. Dear Mr. Blue, I have been dating a black man for a month now. He is a great guy, but I'm afraid to bring him home. I really do like him. No one ever treated me as good as he does. I hate to let him go. I don't know what would happen if my family found out. Afraid Dear Afraid, Don't assume your family's opposition to this man. Before you get their opinion, though, you need to find out how you feel about him, which takes more than a month, sometimes much more. If you still are fond of him after a stretch of time, then arrange for your family to meet him. But try to find one sympathetic ear in the family, someone whom you can confide in, so that you have an advocate. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a 37-year-old woman, getting my Ph.D. in English Lit., single, considered rather yummily curvaceous and beginning to reach the end of my dating rope. I feel like if I never have to share another glass of cabernet and tell my abbreviated life story, it's OK. Should I just enter therapy to eradicate the last vestige of hope I have for finding a mate, or is there some dating strategy I should employ to keep hope alive? Alone and Ambivalent Dear Alone, You're tired of sitting in a bar drinking the house wine and telling a man about your past, and who can blame you? Give it up. Don't eradicate hope, don't look for a strategy. Finish up the Ph.D. Get it, find a job, get yourself settled. And then see if dating looks interesting again. And ask for a pinot noir. Dear Mr. Blue, Help! I'm losing perspective. I'm 32, and during the two years since my last long-term relationship ended, I've fallen into a bad pattern of dating a new fella for several months and then losing interest. I'm beginning to think love will never happen to me again. My ex was far from perfect, believe you me, but every man since seems to come up short. Even though I have no desire to return to what I had, I miss my ex's kindness and warmth. My life as a single person is rich and full. I have a day job that I enjoy. I do good works, read, write fiction, hike miles in the woods, play with my dog, scuba dive, garden, go to readings and even stay up far too late in smoky rock clubs. Yet as my friends pair up and drift off, I find myself getting a little obsessive about love -- feeling like a carton of milk that's nearing its due date. I hang out with people who are younger and younger, because all the ones my age have significant others to go home to. All the men I meet are younger as well, and as a result not so interesting to talk to, either. As the time keeps ticking by, I worry that I am getting too set in my ways to allow a new person into my life and my heart. I worry that there's something wrong with me, I worry that I am expecting too much, I worry that I am losing my looks (such as they are). In short, I'm worried. I like my life. I just don't want it to go on the same way forever; I want intelligent conversation and a family to make soup for and someone to help me admire those mountain views. Sometimes, I swear, I save up funny stories about my day to tell someone and realize there's no one to tell them to. It's gotten so that I won't even cook for myself, because it depresses me too much to look at that lonely plate. Do you have any words of advice, encouragement or wisdom, as I pass the age at which my mother stopped having children? Tying Myself in Knots Dear Tying, It isn't a bad pattern to lose interest in guys who aren't so interesting. So don't worry about that. What you need to fight is that obsessiveness. Turn your face away from it. Enjoy your life. Embrace the idea of life as a single woman and plan for that. Stop angling for something more. Several women who've found a big romance in their 30s said, "It's when you stop looking for it that you find it." Some goals cannot be approached directly. A fiction writer who obsesses over what her next story will be may, in her anxiety over it, chew up every little bit of inspiration and wind up with nothing. Better to sit and wait and listen. As St. Francis said in his famous prayer: "It is in giving that we receive, it is in forgiving that we are forgiven." Thirty-two is a fine age, and you should enjoy it to the utmost. Write the funny stories in your journal. Quit cooking. Tend to your looks so you don't dread mirrors. You're not a carton of milk, you're a bright and soulful young woman, and you have a long and happy life ahead of you. Dear Mr. Blue, Here I am, 29 years old, and I've got the most intense schoolgirl crush on one of my English profs, who's maybe eight or nine years older than I am. I thought I outgrew this stuff 10 years ago. I am haunted by his unbelievably green eyes, his expressive hands, his wiry build, his Slavic nose, the barely visible greys in his sand-colored hair. I spend unhealthy amounts of time fantasizing about him. His beauty is matched by his brilliance; I want to get into his mind as much as I want to get into his pants. Though he has remained professional, I do sense a mutual chemistry, but that could be a delusion. He says hi when we cross paths on campus, and the one time I approached him outside class for advice on an assignment, he did stand pleasantly close and hold my gaze. He might just be friendly. I don't know. For the length of the course, I wouldn't dream of making a move beyond eagerly participating in class, dressing attractively and maybe smiling too much. Still, I am already plotting how I might approach him once the semester is over and the grades are official. How do I suss out whether his heart is free? (He doesn't wear a wedding ring.) I don't want to mess up his chances at tenure, but I so long to get to know him outside school if he's available. Any suggestions on asking him out in December? Does his career make it hopeless? Infatuated Dear Infatuated, At the end of the course, tell him how much you enjoyed it and take a deep breath and ask him if he'd like to have dinner with you sometime. He'll probably say yes, and so you'll get a chance to converse with him for a couple of hours. Go for it, but don't try to read too far ahead in the story. And if he doesn't seem interested, drop it. Dear Mr. Blue, I've done a bad thing. My girlfriend keeps her diary out in plain sight, and several times in the last few months I've given in to temptation and read it. Apart from the fact that I now know things I never wanted to know, I'm feeling guilty about my snooping. Do I confess, or is this one of those cases where telling will only make things worse? I've sworn to myself I'll never do it again, and haven't peeked in over a month now. I'm serious about this woman and am terrified of how she'll react to my betrayal of her trust; on the other hand, I also feel funny about keeping a secret from her. And is there any way to ask her to please hide the damn thing somewhere without arousing her suspicions? Snoop Dear Snoop, The person who leaves the keys in the ignition shares responsibility for the auto theft, and the person who sets her diary out in open view is asking for someone to read it. Boundaries must be drawn if one expects boundaries to be respected. Put her diary in her dresser drawer, and close it, and if she asks you why you moved it, tell her that you once, months ago, opened it and read it. But don't be in a lather to confess: You've punished yourself already for this small infraction. Dear Mr. Blue, Two years ago my first novel was well received by a New York publisher, who suggested that if I cut the manuscript in half and concentrated on the main character, an offer might be made. I did this just in time to lose the manuscript (and part of my house) in a mudslide. It took 15 months to reassemble and edit the thing, and I sent it off with a cover sheet reminding them who I am and what I'd written. Five months later and I haven't heard back. I understand that editors are busy, but e-mail and one phone message haven't been returned, and I'm running out of patience. What is the etiquette here? How long does one wait to hear back? Tired Dear Tired, Send one last e-mail: "I assume from your silence that my book has failed to interest you," or words to that effect. And then take a month to read the manuscript and ponder it. Has your dramatic revision improved the book and loosed the story from the underbrush? Taking a fresh look at it; do you now see other changes to be made? If you're confident of what you have, send off a copy to another publisher. But don't hesitate to go back to work on it, if you are dissatisfied. I'd say that two months is long enough to wait (barring some crisis at the other end) for an editor to react to a manuscript that he or she had shown interest in. But the etiquette isn't as important as the manuscript itself, and you're responsible for tending to that. Dear Mr. Blue, I love my boyfriend, but I have no sexual desire for him, or for anyone. I don't know what's wrong. I used to be a pretty lusty person. Now sex almost embarrasses me. And its not him: He's a good lover and the kindest, sweetest guy in the world. And cute. I've gained some weight since we've been living together (about five years), and maybe my weight gain has caused some self-loathing, but I only wear a size 12 or 14, so it's not like I have to wash myself with a rag on a stick or something. And he still seems to find me sexy. The poor guy is always asking me why don't I want to make love anymore, and I don't have an answer. What's wrong with me? I really do love him, we have a great life together. I want to start liking sex again -- how can I do that? Unhorny Hamster Dear Unhorny, I suspect that this weight gain is more important to you than you let on. You're feeling large and ungainly, and that's hard on a person's sex life. Try to get yourself on an exercise program and try to put a lid on your eating, especially the aimless between-meals grazing. Exercise is important to feeling better about your body. Give it a try for a few months and see if things don't improve. Dear Mr. Blue, My husband and I have been together for five years. Four months ago he got his "dream" job, one that involves a lot of flashy expense-account travel. He's home only eight to 10 days a month. When we met, he was a kid from the 'hood on his way to the big time. I loved his ambition and supported him all the way. We were soooo in love and full of hope -- or so I thought. A few weeks into the job, he became resentful of the fact that I asked for a phone call once a day and to know what hotel he was staying at, etc. He wanted to not have to "report" to me and just wanted to give me his cell phone number. He did his best to ignore my calls and e-mails. I was getting the hint. When he was home, I was a mess as he withdrew his affection and attention. Now he says he doesn't want to be married right now, doesn't want the responsibility and wants to enjoy his new life. I still love him, immature and selfish as he is, but I've always been an independent woman and I really need to move on here. He says that he still loves me very much and is just confused and unable to deal with the stress of both a job and a wife. Am I wrong to feel a real loss of respect for him here? Am I wrong to be giving up hope for our relationship? I just can't shake the feeling that anyone who can just give up a wife (who they proclaimed their love to every day), a future family, etc., at the drop of a hat is a selfish bastard with mental-health issues and kind of an asshole. What's going on here? Brokenhearted but still standing Dear Brokenhearted, Don't give up hope entirely. The selfish bastard may experience a change of heart. But the facts certainly point to a separation, and I urge you to gather up the strands of your life and look to your own future. If he doesn't want to be married, then set him aside for now and let him stew over his options, and you should tend to yourself. Remake your life to suit your tastes, practice independence and enjoy it. Dear Mr. Blue, Years ago I moved to Europe to marry somebody. We've been very happy together, and I have nothing to complain about. We weren't perhaps what each other imagined as the ideal mate, but it's worked out rather shockingly well. But lately, I've been unhappy. I think part of the problem is that I know my husband would never be willing to live in the U.S. He's a writer, and his skills are very language-based, and that language isn't English. I've known that from the beginning. It was one of the things he told me to make sure I was comfortable before we got married. I thought I was. But the thought of having kids together (something we're discussing) feels somehow like closing the door on ever going home. I never thought of the U.S. as home when I lived there, and ironically I'm not sure I could ever go back. I like the lifestyle in Europe very much, and it suits me much better. It's somehow that the "never" is finally sinking in, and it makes me sad. What do I do? Am I just having the vapors? Expatriate Dear Expatriate, Glad to hear you're thriving in Holland and enjoying your life, and good for you that you were able to make the transition. This twinge of nostalgia and regret is utterly normal and nothing to brood over, a sort of backwash from the happiness of your life. You should go ahead and have children and raise them Dutch and give them the benefit of your American heritage. They'll learn English, of course, in school, but you can give them so much more -- the stories, the mythology, the art -- and someday you can bring them here and show them all the wonders, from Manhattan to Montana. The U.S. is good to come back to, and you'll keep coming back, and count yourself lucky to have two lands to be happy in and two languages to tell about it. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a semi-retired academic working on a novel based loosely on the romantic adventures of my beloved children. I'm concerned they will see themselves in the characters and plot. I have included a few steamy scenes in the novel, and I am afraid my children [all in their 30s] will say, "How could you?" Even though they've done nothing shameful, they may feel that I have betrayed their confidences. This is bothering me a lot. How can I get around such a roadblock? Squelched Dear Squelched, This calls for the Big Nose gambit. If you're worried that a character in your novel may be taken for someone you know, stick a huge beezer on them. Or a tiny penis. No man will ever see himself in a character of minor endowment. Dear Mr. Blue, My niece was engaged to a Moroccan man for three years. It turns out he was an illegal immigrant here in Britain and he escaped abroad before Immigration came a-knockin'. I and the rest of my family all thought we'd heard the last of the rotter, but we now discover that he has moved to Rotterdam, where he is working illegally, and my niece has decided to go over and join him. Not only that, to do this she is giving up an excellent job here and deferring her university course for a year. She won't listen to any of us, and she won't tell us where she is going to be living when she goes there. What to do? Dysfunctional Uncle Dear Uncle, There is nothing to be done, given the facts as you describe them, so don't put yourself through agonies of worry over it. Every adult person has the freedom to take up with a rotter and a rounder, and the family is powerless to prevent it. Do avoid hysteria, though. Keep your communications with her friendly and uncensorious, and this will help you stay in touch with her, which is the important thing. Dear Mr. Blue, Recently, after a year of self-imposed celibacy after a traumatic breakup, I met a man who talks to me about the right things, holds me in the right places, makes me feel all gooey and hopeful about love. I think it's a great sign. What I'm concerned about is a gaping age difference. I haven't had the courage to ask him the big number, but I hear he's got at least 20 years on my paltry 25. What do you think? Juvenile in New Jersey Dear Juvenile, If the warm feelings are there, focus on those, and don't worry about the arithmetic. Age difference isn't so important as you get older, which all of us eventually do. What matters, past the age of 25 or so, isn't how long you've lived but rather how long you have left, and none of us knows the answer to that. Set this concern aside for now. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm troubled by the rampant marital infidelity that appears in your column. Are there no moral distinctions anymore? Have we reached a point where nothing can categorically be described as simply "wrong"? I believe that cheating, lying, deception are just flat-out wrong. Always. Has the world passed me by? Am I hopelessly old-fashioned? Why do you continually dismiss the moral implications of infidelity in your response to readers' questions? I think sometimes it's important to take a moral stance even if it's unpopular. Troubled Dear Troubled, Cheating, lying, deception are flat-out wrong, always, and people who are unfaithful know so. Thus the high anxiety and misery attendant upon adultery. This hasn't changed all that much. The divorce laws have made it easier for people to escape from a hard marriage, but infidelity is as morally untenable as ever. People are mysterious, however, and life is complicated, and these things happen. People get stuck in marriages that are cold and inhospitable, with partners who treat them like furniture, and people never lose their hunger for romance and tenderness. That's one reason for adultery. And one would like to understand why people do what they do. One would prefer a glimmer of understanding to the pleasures of condemning bad behavior. I hope there is a moral stance behind my advice, and I hope there is sympathy for people who are struggling. salon.com | Oct. 19, 1999