To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > Books Oct. 12, 1999 URL: http://www.salon.com/books/col/keil/1999/10/12/worried_response Closet case My female lover left her husband for me, but she won't tell her children she's a lesbian. Should I wait for her to come around? - - - - - - - - - - - - By Garrison Keillor A host of readers took issue with my advice to Worried, the young woman falling in love with a man starting his second year of recovery from cocaine/alcohol addiction, to "turn off the lights and say goodbye," which the respondents felt was heartless advice indeed and showed a lack of faith in the ability of people to overcome addiction and redeem themselves. Of course, the readers may be right and I may be wrong in this particular case. My advice to her was based on her letter, in which she says the gentleman is "the kindest, most thoughtful, considerate, passionate man I have ever known," and then says she is terrified of entering into a relationship with him. One thing that terrifies her (and this, unfortunately, got cut from the letter) is a video he showed her of himself when he was at the height of his addiction: He looks and sounds so much the same as he does today. She finds this spooky. She says she has no experience with alcoholism or addiction and she "just can't relate to it on any level" and she can't get his past out of her mind. What set off the alarm here was the young woman's own fear. Of course one would like to know much more, but "terrified" is a strong word, not to be pooh-poohed by me. I advised her to cool the romance, keep her distance, and then, in the last line, I stuck my neck out and told her to walk out the door. Several readers told of their own recovery from drugs and felt I was too pessimistic about the possibility of recovery from addiction. Perhaps. But the letter is not a theoretical one, it's from one young woman, and if she were my daughter and said she was "terrified" of this relationship, I would tell her to get out of it. She clearly indicates that she is falling in love against her better judgment. When your head says "No!" and your heart says "Yes!" there's trouble down the road. Time to step back. It's not for me to try to calm her fears; she can do that herself. It's my duty to point to that word "terrified." Dear Mr. Blue, I met someone four years ago and fell in love at first sight. Wondrously, it was mutual. Unfortunately, she was married. So I didn't pursue. But she did. I ended up, after much persuasion, saying yes. She unconsciously engineered a crash in her marriage and, realizing what she had done, left me to see if she could mend things. My spirit nearly failed me. I felt that if I had been older and frail, I surely would've died. But, of course, I didn't pursue. After much introspection, she realized she was no longer in love in her marriage and that she wanted to leave it and that she did indeed love me. She got a divorce. She returned to me. I took her back with much glee. We have been together two years and thus brings me to my dilemma. I am a woman, and she is a woman. This is nothing new to me, but for her it is a great surprise midway through life. On top of it, she has two kids. I would like to have a family at some point, either just with her kids, or combined with a new addition. (I haven't made up my mind.) However, she feels that she will never want to live openly as a lesbian or tell her kids about her secret life and that it might be better for them psychologically not to know about our liaison. I know that I would not be able to live with this situation, but am wondering if I'm underestimating the effect that time and a positive relationship would have on her. I have to admit that, sitting in my catbird seat at 36, it's difficult for me to remember all of the steps one goes through: I've been out since I was in college, and have been dealing with the topic since I was 12. Since I love this woman so dearly, I'm thinking that I should set a compromise. That is, I'll give her space and secrecy, but with a time limit of a year or so, to see how things progress and to still protect my self-respect. I don't know if I would be able to do this, but it seems to be where my heart is. However, I wonder if I'm being an unrealistic romantic, and if I'm asking myself to sacrifice too much. Maybe I should rack up my losses, say that we want different things and leave. The problem with that is that I still love her, and I know that she loves me. Should I stay, or should I go? In Love Dear In Love, This has been a long and tumultuous ride of a romance, by anyone's standards, and now you've come to a relative calm. You love each other, you're dedicated to each other, you're both looking to the future. Now is not the time to abandon this love because you disagree over terms. You have the answer to your question, where you say that time and a positive relationship might have a winning effect on her and lead to the sort of openly acknowledged partnership that you want. This may take longer than a year, though. It may take longer than that for her kids to learn to trust you and accept you as a person in their lives. And the situation with her former husband may be more complicated than you realize. There are all sorts of reasons why your lover may not be in a position to live openly with you. I don't think you're sacrificing too much, to keep things a secret, if you love her dearly. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a 25-year-old graduate student who has been dating a wonderful man (and fellow student) for the past six months. He is kind, generous, passionate, loyal and open. I told him that I loved him, and while I think he cares about me, he is unable to say the words. We will both graduate and look for jobs in the next few months. I don't want to pressure him or be a nag, but I truly see this man in my future and wonder why he can't verbalize his feelings for me. Am I making too big a deal out of this? How long is too long to be patient with a commitment-shy guy? Crazy About Him Dear Crazy, I can't speak for the gentleman, but it would seem he is not in love with you. Perhaps he is unable to be, due to some unpleasant history of his own. Perhaps he is overwhelmed by the onrush of events so close to graduation and is afraid to make such a declaration. Don't pressure him to. Let the relationship coast. It's not in your hands. Six months is long enough for the two of you to get some ideas about each other, so if he is not inclined to pursue a future with you, you have to assume he knows what he's doing. Dear Mr. Blue, I just became engaged to the most wonderful man in the world. I couldn't be happier, but I have a problem: my father. My father, a former alcoholic, has made me miserable for most of my life. He is unkind and arrogant and thrives on picking fights with me. He owes us over 10 years of unpaid child support but drives a Porsche. My mother (who has supported me my whole life, both financially and emotionally) doesn't want him at the wedding. My fiancé doesn't want him at the wedding. Most of me doesn't want him there, either -- but there is a piece of me that does. Though I know he and his new adoring wife will only cause tension, I still hope for something different -- the father I wish I had to walk me down the aisle. But the hypocrisy of having my father take credit for anything would make me sick. (When I told him of my engagement, he said he would help pay for the wedding only if it would come out of back child support he owed my mother. This man is a highly successful investment banker who just threw a lavish wedding for himself. I told him I didn't want a cent.) I don't want his money, but I also don't want the guilt that would come with not having him at my wedding. Is it fair to cause such a rift in our family because I want only peace and joy on my wedding day? I know I should cut him out of my life -- he has only brought me pain -- but telling him I don't want him to attend the wedding would be a large, perhaps final, statement. I just don't know what to do: hope against hope for him to become a good person, or cut my losses at age 27 and move on? How much should one endure in the name of family? Betrothed and Bewildered Dear Betrothed, You don't need to cut him out of your life. If he wants to see you, talk to you, take you to lunch, a ballgame, make him feel welcome, but the wedding is yours to enjoy, not an occasion for therapy, and if your father is incapable of sitting quietly in his pew and behaving himself at the reception and if the war between him and your mother simply can't be set aside, then don't send him an invitation. You don't need to tell him not to come; simply don't invite him. If not inviting him makes you feel guilty, then consider having a small wedding, you and the MWMIW and your mother and a handful of others. What's important is that you yourself enjoy the day and don't make yourself sick over it: It isn't a political event, it's a religious occasion and a celebration, and the bride and groom ought to have a terrific time. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 33 and my boyfriend is 36, and we both have the same goals: marriage, a picket fence, a couple of kids. He is charming and we are extremely attracted to one another. And when he's feeling good, things are very good. But when he's feeling moody or impatient, loud arguments occur. We argue furiously at least once a week, and the arguments are usually from something he has misinterpreted, or petty jealousy. He often says something that is highly insulting, and when I tell him he has hurt my feelings, he blows up. Almost every time we battle, he ends up going home, and we don't talk for a day or two. We have tried couples therapy, but so far it hasn't worked, because he's not using many of the new communication techniques we learned. We are talking about marriage, but not until we can be together for more than a week without a major blowup over relatively small matters. We want to make it work, but we are both very frustrated. Is there any advice to help us be better friends? Or should I just end the relationship and move on? Confused Dear Confused, You don't mention alcohol, but the explosiveness of these arguments makes me suspect it might be involved. If it is, it needs to be addressed. The couples therapy that you tried sounds fairly superficial, nothing that is likely to reach the deeper sources of your boyfriend's anger. But to engage in a furious argument once a week or more is much too strenuous for human endurance, at least for yours, and this is nothing you should learn to accommodate. That's the line you need to draw in the sand. The next time he blows up, don't fight back. If he goes home, don't invite him back. Don't call him. Let there be a cooling-off period longer than a day or two. I'd suggest a week or two. Dear Mr. Blue, After nearly five years my wife says she can't take it anymore. She sees me as immature. I don't completely disagree with her, but there are extenuating circumstances. I don't like to be "controlling," but she does. I have deferred a number of things her way such as managing the money, paying the bills, arranging for day care for our 4-year-old son. I would actually enjoy doing these things, but she is such a control freak that I have backed away to make things easier. She was born to manage. I have never cheated on my wife and have nothing but the deepest of feelings for her and my son. I know she feels the same way, yet she says she can't be around me because I'm too needy. I'm not as needy as she makes it sound, but I have relied on her for a number of things simply to avoid conflict -- every time I would try to make plans or schedule things she would find something "wrong" with my choice. I don't want to be a divorced father, and the thought of my son caught in the middle of a broken marriage is tearing me to pieces. Thanks for your feedback. Drifting Down the River Dear Drifting, I sympathize. Your wife sounds like a strict taskmaster. The way to deal with this unpleasant managerial temperament, I'm afraid, is for you to get out in front of it. That is, you must manage the money and pay the bills and arrange for day care and do these things up to and beyond her own high standards until such time as she relaxes. That's the way to stay married. Do things the way she wants them done for a couple of years, until she is satisfied that you can take initiative and responsibility and not be indolent or careless or boyish. Surprise her with your competence. Balance the checkbook and do it accurately. Clean up the kitchen before she can mention it, and do the bathroom when she's not looking. Vacuum out the car and take the clothes to the dry cleaners. You can save this marriage by exerting yourself for an hour or two a day. Dear Mr. Blue, Over the last several years I've gradually lost the faith of my childhood (Mormonism) until I have become an unbeliever and rather cynical. My wife remains very devout. In every other way but religion, we remain perfectly compatible and I still love her deeply. We have been married for seven years and have a beautiful little daughter and another child on the way. The tenets of her faith are so inflexible that an admission of my unbelief would end our marriage. But the prospects of spending the next 40 to 50 years living a lie weighs like an anchor on my heart. I cannot do it. And I can't help believing that in the long run she would be happier with someone who shares this important aspect of her life. Please help me. Faithless Dear Faithless, This is a dilemma, but not hopeless. Avoid confrontation, and therefore avoid a big cathartic confessional scene. Catharsis is not "honest," it's brutal. Take the opportunity to talk about religion whenever the subject presents itself and mention your doubts to the extent that she can bear. Be kind. Be patient. Don't be an inflexible, adamant, assertive nonbeliever; be a cautious, companionable, tolerant one. Listen to her when she attempts to restore to you the faith she finds comforting. And allow yourself to trust the love of your wife. Dear Mr. Blue, I've never been good at making friends. When I was young, my brother's and sisters' friends were my friends, and then in college I met my husband, a very social creature with lots of friends with whom we got along well and enjoyably passed the time. But he was always the one to bring new people into our circle and arrange the outings. Other than my husband, I never had a best friend or confidant. Since our marriage has gone seriously downhill over the last several years and we've grown more and more distant from one another, I find I have no one to share my feelings with. I find that fears, despondency and self-pity dominate my thoughts rather than hopes and aspirations. I have several acquaintances at work with whom I sometimes talk, but only superficially. I've opened up to my sisters but only on a limited basis. I don't really feel comfortable talking about my intimate problems with them. I've considered therapy, but find the idea of having to pay someone to listen to me incredibly depressing. Interestingly, I've found that writing down my thoughts seems to alleviate the heavy gloom that sometimes envelops me, and helps me to clarify my feelings and look more optimistically at my situation. Any kind words of advice? Down in the Doldrums Alone Dear Down, Some of us aren't so socially adept, perhaps because, like you, we inherited comfortable social situations and never had to build them for ourselves. We perched on the perimeter and absorbed enough conviviality to satisfy us, not knowing where it comes from. One does develop social skills eventually, and I'm sure you must be more adept than you realize. Of course, it takes a while to develop a friendship to which you can entrust yourself honestly. But it starts with a single small step: You call up someone and arrange to meet for coffee or a walk, and you talk about this and that, and when you sense that intimacy is offered, you give up your secret -- you're going through a bad patch right now and beset with gloom and despond -- and then the other person chooses how to respond. Maybe she is tongue-tied, maybe she rushes to assure you that all is well, maybe she says a dumb thing, like, "Oh well, it happens to all of us," but maybe not; and maybe she responds in a way that says she's been there herself. If writing can alleviate some of the worst of the gloom, then you're lucky, and by all means pursue it and set aside time for it. But you need to beat the bushes and find a real person to hang out with, and then find another, and maybe even a third. Sometimes they move away, you know. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm 55, and my first book was accepted at a big publishing house and is now in galleys, which I read tonight and somehow feel is dated, negligible. The book won't come out for another seven months and I feel let down. It is no longer compelling to me. I just feel really horrible at how much I sacrificed to do this. The ego that made me get it done seems sick. How do I unwind from this? How can I be a person again? Why did I go so crazy to get this book out? A Supposedly Lucky Writer Who Feels Anything But Dear Supposedly, You may be suffering post-partum depression here, a natural reaction to the stress and hard labor you've been through. But before you unwind, give your full attention to the galley proofs and steer the book through its last stage of correction. This demands your full attention, so postpone the letdown a little longer. And then turn your back on this book. Mortify your ego with selfless generosity and good deeds. Repair whatever human connections may have been sacrificed to this book. Enjoy the end of your travails. And then, in seven months, go out and tell the American people why they ought to buy three copies apiece. Dear Mr. Blue, Saturday, my wife went to lunch with friends. She said she'd be back around 6 p.m. She finally rolled in around 3 a.m. Sunday morning, drunk as a senator. We had words; among hers were "trapped," "I'm a terrible mother" and "If I want to go out and have a few drinks with my friends I don't want to feel guilty about it." After about an hour of this I realized that my wife is having a midlife crisis à la any number of Richard Benjamin movies. She wants to hang out late at the office, go drinking with her single friends and rely on me to take care of our splendid little 3-year-old carnivore of a daughter. She would like to meet a younger and less self-conscious fellow with whom to entertain herself sans commitment. She is having a guy's midlife crisis. So, in the space of a few days I had to face the fact that my marriage is a hoax and my wife is a better guy than I. We're trying to work this out. I don't know how to move along because I really like spending time with our daughter. And aside from the marriage being defunct and her lack of patience with child care, I really enjoy living with and being around my wife; we'd make pretty good roommates. Above all, I don't want to muck up my daughter's life. Oy. Got any thoughts? Hapless in Honolulu Dear Hapless, Don't abandon the ship at the first sight of the reef. It's a good ship. You like each other, you have a sweet little daughter, so don't leap to conclusions about the marriage based on one drunken discussion in which you each said some jagged things. Try to avoid having any more of those conversations in which you sit around and sum up your life or your marriage in broad, dark terms. Don't discuss anything important when you're drunk, and don't take her seriously when she's drunk. This is far from hopeless, and I think you should sit tight, be patient, practice great kindness toward your wife and see how you both feel in three months. Or six. And meanwhile, devote yourself to being a good father. Dear Mr. Blue, Back in the age of the typewriter, you did a first draft, then proceeded to revisions, covering it with all kinds of marks. Then you retyped the whole thing, an arduous process that forced you to go through your manuscript word by word and led to additional changes as you went. Everything went through three drafts before it was turned in. Now the word processor corrects your typos and revision is as easy as can be and you can tinker endlessly with your work, but I have concluded that I must go back to the old-fashioned way. I am finished with a 150,000-word manuscript and feel I must print it out, mark it up and retype the whole thing. This will take months. But it's the only way to force the original through the brain a word and a page at a time. What do you recommend? Luddite Dear Lud, I recommend that a writer put his manuscript through at least one paper stage of rewrite, and perhaps more than one. There is a danger with electronic writing that a sort of tonelessness and flabbiness creeps in. You can sometimes spot these passages in books, where everything goes slack and pages pass and there's no focus, no edge and no narrative voice either: Somehow the ease of writing to a screen facilitates this literary sleepwalking. On computers, people tend to write in pages and paragraphs, not sentences. To guard against it, you print out your work and you go over it with a pencil and revise, and then you make the changes onto your disc. It's a little more tedious, but it sharpens the editing. You're very ambitious to think of retyping the whole manuscript on a typewriter; I'm not sure I could ever go back to that. Dear Mr. Blue, My husband and I have been best friends for years with the man who introduced us. We love him like a brother. Through the years, we have watched him burn through women and friends, using them for his own purposes and then casting them aside. Because of his wit and enigmatic personality, people let him off the hook. We always looked the other way, not wanting to be judgmental. It was easier to take this position when we didn't know the people he was doing it to. But in the last six months, his selfish actions have deeply upset my husband and me, making it difficult to look the other way. It's nearly impossible to talk to him about serious issues like this; he shuts down at the very sight of confrontations. We are having a difficult time throwing away a longtime friendship, but aren't able to trust this friend whom we love so dearly. He needs to know what's up and we simply do not know what to say to him. Stuck Dear Stuck, Write him a letter. Be careful what you say, but write to him and let him know what you've witnessed and how you feel about it. And then wait for him to approach you about it. This lets him know what's up, and it also spares him the confrontation he dreads and gives him a chance to think over the ethics of what he's doing and how it offended you. When he's ready to talk to you again, he'll be in touch. You run the risk of losing his friendship, but if you're losing respect for him, you may lose that anyway and in a slower, more painful way. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a single, 27-year-old male who recently went back to school to finish up a postponed undergraduate degree. I waited tables for years while trying to figure out what to do with my life. Two years ago, I took a peek into an improvisational comedy theater and find myself hooked. I receive a lot of praise and find myself addicted to the pressure of being in the spotlight in front of a crowd. But I feel the pressure to settle into a 9 to 5 career like most of my friends who are financially stable and have significant others. I feel a strong pull toward the comfort they all have, and it is tough to justify my want for the struggling actor's life, especially starting out at 27. What should I do? Late Bloomer Dear L.B., There is no substitute for finding work that thrills you, and you've found it onstage doing comedy. So long as you love doing it, you have something more valuable than stability and comfort. Some very desperate people enjoy financial stability and physical comfort. Keep on with what you're doing, and be watchful for opportunities to take bigger chances on bigger stages. Dear Mr. Blue, When my boyfriend and I decided to get married I told him that a bachelor party with a stripper was out of the question. Am I being uptight or is it fair to put my foot down to an insulting tradition? Nobody is going to wave a penis in my face before we get married so why should I accept a nude woman giving him a lap dance? Bucking the Tradition Dear Bucking, Tradition it may be and a primitive one it is, getting the stud excited before he mounts the mare, and if you don't like it, you're not uptight to object. If the boyfriend and his pals want to go see strippers, they can do it on their own; it needn't be an official sanctioned wedding event. Dear Mr. Blue, My boyfriend and I are both in our late 20s and work at the same place. For a while I kept catching him obviously checking out a 19-year-old temporary receptionist. When we are out in public together I constantly notice that he is giving attractive girls the once over. Should I be concerned about this wandering eye? Jealous Again Dear Jealous, I'd think a man odd who doesn't enjoy looking at attractive young women, but you're the one standing next to him and you're concerned about it, so I guess it's a problem. You'll find it hard to restrict his vision, though it might help to move to a religious community where the women wear sack dresses. First, you might think about your own jealousy and where it comes from. Do you feel unattractive? Do you feel you have so little to offer as a friend that the young man would prefer a babe, any babe? And if you do, then maybe you need to indulge in a little self-examination. Jealousy is a virulent misery. salon.com | Oct. 12, 1999