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Should I stay or should I go? | page 1, 2, 3
I fell in love with a bright, affectionate man who makes me laugh, and we
married on the premise that we'd be equal partners in life and eschew
traditional gender roles. Though I've tried every strategy possible, he will
not do even 5 percent of the routine housework in our home. About once a
month, I can take it no longer and we have a huge fight, ending with
empty promises on his part. I am starting to wonder how I can
have children with this man. (Football season is here -- any advice?) Cheated Dear Cheated, Hire a cleaning person and bill it to your husband.
(Cleaning is about half of the housework.) If possible, hire a male
cleaning person, for the moral example. Do this cheerfully, with no
sermon attached. But don't fight over housework with your husband. No
strategy is going to work; he won't change; he simply wasn't brought up
right and it's too late for you to retrain him. So let him pay for someone
to do his share. The alternative is to let the house go to rack and ruin and
sleep on crusty sheets and eat off greasy plates, but that's not fair to you.
As for football season, it's optional, like every other media event. Ignore
it and eventually it'll go away. Dear Mr. Blue, I find myself hovering in my mid-30s without ever having had a lover.
There are several good reasons for this including plain old fear and
less-than-happy experiences with men. The point is that I am considering
taking steps to change my life, as soon as I can figure out what those steps
are. But if I do manage to connect with a likely gentleman, when should I
explain my situation, if ever? I can't imagine faking more experience than
I actually have, but something tells me that my lack of a past would
frighten off more men than having a diary like Madonna's would. Any
advice? Too Little, Too Late Dear TL2, When you connect with the gentleman caller, you needn't say
one word about your sexual history, and if he's a gentleman he won't
inquire. There is nothing to explain, dear. It's not your résumé he's
interested in, it's your eyes and mouth and neck and hands and so on and
so forth. If you decide to step into the dark with him, there's no need to
fake anything. Maybe you imagine that there's a lot of acrobatics and
shouting that goes on, but that's not the case: Murmuring is good enough
for a reaction. And you do know how to murmur, don't you? The
woman's role in the exercise, aside from enjoying it, is to compliment the
man on his attractiveness, his warmth, his sweetness, his amazing prowess
at exciting you. The more you compliment him, the more excited and
capable he becomes. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a mostly attractive, moderately successful man, 32, with a nice career
as a graphic artist, a small cadre of close friends, good health and money
enough to meet my needs. The more I work at being a Happy Bachelor,
the more I find it hard to come home to a darkened house
and an empty bed. I've dated quite a bit, had several girlfriends and
even my share of romance, but no one has obtained the
keys to my heart. Am I a lovesick idiot to keep looking for a "soul mate"?
I feel
like the best parts of me are gathering dust on the shelf while
the rest of me tries to make do with what is left. Mr. Heart-on-a-shelf Dear Mr. H., The idea of romance changes as one gets older, of course,
and as one learns more about himself, and perhaps you're looking for
someone other than who you think you're looking for. Maybe your head
isn't keeping your heart informed on these matters. But first of all, let's
agree on the fact that yours isn't the saddest situation one can imagine:
You might have written, "I am 32, a graphic artist, who is floundering in
the 10th year of a loveless marriage that should never have been." You're
young, unencumbered, eager and ready for something to happen.
So it probably will. Meanwhile, draw aside one of those close friends,
preferably a woman, and have her check you over for fleas. And give you
a fashion check. And advice on hair. And clothes. Some graphic artists
favor garish outfits that proclaim their artistness. Spend some of that
money on a suit that makes you feel stylish and cool, one of those baggy
ones that young guys like you look great in and guys like me look baggy
in. Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Mr. Blue, I thought I understood the concepts of irony and sarcasm. My trusty copy of Abrams' "Glossary of Literary Terms" tells me that irony is saying the opposite of what you mean in such a way that the alert listener understands what you really mean, and sarcasm is a special condition of irony usually involving comments about someone's personal appearance. So I was surprised to hear a misunderstanding between co-workers explained away with the phrase, "I was just being sarcastic," when the phrase in question was (to my mind) clearly ironic! It seems to me that the two terms are generally used interchangeably. Who's right? Should I throw away my Abrams'? And does it make any difference? Yours Dear Yours, I take your pseudonym to be ironic, since we two have never met. If I were to respond to you by saying, "This is a question that goes straight to the heart of Western Civilization," you would recognize this as heavy-handed irony. I would call that sarcasm. "Irony" is the overall term for saying something you don't mean for effect, and sarcasm is a blunt form of irony. (You can be sarcastic about things other than personal appearance, but maybe Mr. Abrams was a haberdasher by trade.) Dear Mr. Blue, What can you say to the bereaved at a funeral that isn't either an empty cliché or a groping attempt to fondle someone else's pain? Inadequate Dear Inadequate, The bereaved do not need you to express their grief, to say magic words to dissipate it or to sum up the meaning of the life of their dead. None of this is the slightest bit appropriate. Your presence is the important thing, and the touch of your hand, and you simply say, "I'm sorry. I am so sorry." That's all you need to say and all you can say. Less is more. If you were in extreme grief and your body ached and you were bleeding tears, you would resent anyone who tried to tell you what to think or feel. "I am so sorry" says what you need to say. And after that, you follow the cue of the bereaved and talk about whatever they wish to talk about, or you remain silent. Silence is perfectly dignified. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a 27-year-old woman who's been dating a man for a year. I think he is the most wonderful man in the world, yet I have no strong feelings for him at all. I've felt like this ever since we started dating, but I've stuck with him because I feel like breaking up with him would be the most terrible mistake I've ever made, because he's nice to me, has great values, etc., and because I have a history of dating emotionally inaccessible men. I'm afraid I'd never find anyone better!!! I guess my real question is: What the hell is my problem? I've got a great boyfriend, yet it doesn't seem quite "right," yet there's no one else I know who seems more "right" for me than him. Drifting Dear Drifting, You don't have a problem, except that you're honest. You
are keeping company with a very nice man whom you're not in love with
but whose company you enjoy. So enjoy. He's a friend, and the word
"friend" is capable of many meanings and variations, but he's not the love
of your life. Stay with him as long as you like, don't worry about your
feelings, but don't lie about them either, not to him and not to yourself.
There is utterly no contradiction between his being the most wonderful
man in the world and your having no strong feelings for him. But as you
continue to see him, he may very well develop strong feelings for you,
and then you'll be terribly tempted to fake feeling something for him.
Don't go there.
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