| |||
|
Arts & Entertainment  BooksComics Health & Body Media Mothers Who Think News People Politics2000 Technology - Free Software Project Travel & Food  Columnists
- - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - Also Today For a full list of today's Salon Books stories, go to the
Books home page. - - - - - - - - - - - - Search Salon - - - - - - - - - - - - Salon Columnists - - - - - - - - - - - - Recently in Salon Books Reviews Book Bag Reviews Ivory Tower - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
Should I stay or should I go? | page 1, 2, 3
I am 37 and live with a 34-year-old man who when he moved in
with me was living on unemployment, having been fired from the
company where we were colleagues. For a while, he pursued his hobby,
mountain climbing. I assumed that when the
unemployment ran out he'd look for another professional job, but instead
he is doing low-level temp work and making no attempt to find something
that will allow him to make a dent
in his debts. I enjoy our relationship, but I am concerned about his lack of
career
focus since I would like to start a family within the next few years, if not
with him then with someone else. He says he will not commit to
children
and a mortgage with someone who is not sure about him, and that he
considers
real love to be unconditional and that my ambivalence about him is a
betrayal, since he left his girlfriend to be with me. This seems like
poppycock to me; he did not warn me that he was taking an extended
break from the rat race, and I feel I have the right to change
my mind based on this new information. Am I hard and calculating, as he
would have me believe, or just levelheaded? Confused Dear Confused, Oh dear. I'm afraid you've gotten yourself into a game
that can last for an inning or for 10 years of overtime, depending on how
long it interests you. Ambivalence is not a betrayal; it's an honest reaction
to reality, and unconditional love is not what seems to be going on here. It
appears to me that you took up with this man based on your hope that A.
would happen and lead to B. and soon you could have C. C. stands for
"children." I don't think that A. is happening. I think you're levelheaded. I
think you've changed your mind. It's your perfect right. Dear Mr. Blue, I used to write very witty stories for my friends, who all loved them, but
it seems this gift has gradually diminished. I sometimes pull out old stories
I wrote and they seem to belong to another time. I remember how I
mentally constructed them, the sheer exhilaration, almost a
drunkenness, as inspirations crackled in my mind like millions of sparks.
Nowadays I can turn out something slightly good, but nothing
remotely as good as things I wrote in the past. I am very troubled by this.
Is it possible for talent to fade away? Not That Old Dear Not, Funny you should mention it, the exact same thing is happening
to me, and I'm only 57, a little older than you but Not That Old. It's even
harder for me because I earn my living doing this, and gradually it gets
harder to come up with stuff that isn't nearly as good. Sorry to burden you
with my problem, but at least you know you're not alone. Dear Mr. Blue After a particularly emotional and traumatic year, I've been diagnosed
with a major depression, something that wasn't supposed to happen to
people like me, from families where both parents are still married to one
another, a professional woman who
seems to have everything going for her. I am a pretty 24-year-old lawyer with "great opportunities for the
future." Problem is, these don't make me happy. Neither does being told
that
I have everything going for me. I have several close friends and loads of
acquaintances, but I feel lonely and sad. Since I've seen a
psychiatrist, who gave me medication, I'm not as depressed as before, but
I still
have this empty feeling. Too Many Questions Dear TMQ, Depression can happen to anyone, up-and-comers as well as
down-and-outers. And this sadness will persist; you can't turn it around
suddenly. But it's good that you sought help and that the dark depression
has been mitigated. So I trust that you're out of danger. And I trust that
you'd know if you were in danger and would tell your psychiatrist.
Depression is trouble, and it can turn into anger against yourself. The
good news is that this traumatic year is over and you took the right step.
Now take some more. You don't mention that you enjoy your work: Is it
causing you stress that you can't manage? Is there some way to lessen
this? And can you give some thought to the subject of happiness?
Happiness is not a goal that we strive toward in hopes of someday
achieving bliss; it's more like a simple situation that we allow ourselves to
partake of, like eating a cookie. I, for example, can make myself happy by
getting on a bike and wheeling through St. Paul, forgetting about all the
deadlines staring me in the face, so why don't I do it more often? That's
the $64 question. I can't tell you what could bring you some happiness,
only that happiness is a habit to practice. A woman lawyer I know gets
her kicks competing on a kick-butt soccer team, and a friend in New York
gets hers volunteering at an inner-city school, and another friend gets hers
through yoga, which offers meditation and discipline and a nonverbal
religious experience; another likes to tell jokes, which nobody expects a
woman to do, and to make people laugh involuntarily, loudly. Happiness
is a small and lovely achievement, simpler than we like to think, childlike
even. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm 20 years old, and I have a cousin who is 20 years older than
me. He has been a very good friend to me over the past seven or eight
years. He recently married a young widow with two young boys from her
first
marriage. My sister and I both felt it was the most impersonal and just
plain awkward
wedding either of us has ever attended. I began to avoid my cousin. I
suddenly didn't know what to say to him. When I did see him, he didn't
seem happy with his life, and this was about a month after the wedding. A few weeks ago, he got into a massive car accident. It will take months
for him to heal.
I'm truly worried about him. I don't know if he's happy or sad.
My boyfriend says that I'm overreacting, that I
should accept that our relationship will never quite be the same again.
But my sister has the same worries that I do: that he married a woman
after
dating her for just a year, and that he made a mistake. My cousin is like an older brother to me, but I truly have no idea what to
say to him anymore. I wish I could just snap out of this and (without
telling him
what's been on my mind) let him know I'm available to talk. Worried in Washington Dear Worried, Too bad about the car accident, and you ought to sit down
and write your cousin a nice long letter about yourself and what you've
been up to lately, which he would appreciate in his recuperation. And
meanwhile you should let go of all these bad feelings about his marriage.
You may be going through the pangs of jealousy, I don't know, but if he
was a good friend to you in the past, you should be a good friend now,
and accept him as he is, a married guy. What to say to him? Tell him
about yourself. Let him tell you about himself. The old stately waltz of
conversation. Dear Mr. Blue, I am 34, married nine years, and have initiated a
move toward divorce. I have tried everything, but I am not attracted to
my husband and I feel like we have hurt each other deeply over the years.
I just feel spent. And the idea of "working some more" on our marriage
makes me want to jump off a bridge. We do have children (4 and 8, both
girls), and thinking about hurting them breaks my heart. It's what
stopped me from doing this a long time ago. My husband has basically
admitted to me that he hasn't put any effort into our marriage for the past
four or five years. And he desperately doesn't want us to get a divorce.
Now all his changes are too little, too late. But I still feel so confused,
as if both options are potentially bad ideas. Any pearls of wisdom? Worn Out Dear Worn Out, You're the judge of the situation, and if you're truly worn
out and feel no attraction to your husband and see no hope for working
things out, then you should proceed in the direction of divorce. You can
always change your mind. (Some people divorce and later remarry: I
know of two or three.) But divorce is what you should be talking about.
Some people so dread the thought of divorce that they must behave
horribly to each other in order to force the issue. It sounds as if you and
your husband are at least civil and so you should be able to discuss the
crucial issues, custody and money, without resorting to a lawyer, at least
initially. Draft a proposal. Separate households, joint custody and the
terms designed so as to minimize the disruption to the lives of the little
girls. Present this to him in writing and offer to sit down and discuss it
with him. Resolve to yourself that you will bend over backward to
promote the spirit of civility. You will listen patiently, you will respond
with all due delicacy. If he insists on wanting to discuss the marriage, you
should respect that, but you may find it easier to do in the presence of a
third person, a professional counselor. But you should go ahead and put
the terms of divorce on the table. You're tired of talking about the past
and about pain and misunderstanding: So talk about money for a while.
| ||
 |
 |
 |
 |
Next page |