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Salon.com congratulates Garrison Keillor DEAR MR. BLUE: Should I stay or should I go?
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Dear Mr. Blue, I am 32 and for the first time ever have met a man I believe I could marry, have a family with and live happily ever
after. This man is the sweetest, gentlest, kindest, most
thoughtful, considerate, passionate guy I have ever known. We have been
dating for only two months, but they are among the happiest days I have
ever known. This wonderful man is a
recovering addict (cocaine, all forms) and alcoholic. He has been
"clean and sober" for 15 months. He attends weekly AA meetings and
helps others who want to quit drugs/drinking. This is all terrifying to me. His past is something I cannot relate to,
and the very word "addict" is very scary to me. But I have decided that I
can continue to date him and accept his past, though the relapse rate for
cocaine is very,
very high (and isn't too great for alcoholism either), which terrifies
me. I fear giving my heart to someone who has such potential to ruin my
life. Yet I feel I am falling deeply in love with him. Can you offer me
any suggestions on how I can continue in the relationship without making
this a bigger issue than it has to be?
It is troubling me a great deal and I do not wish to bring it up
constantly to my lover. He has explained all he can, and I can't ask him
to explain any more -- it's my problem now if I continue to push this. Worried Dear Worried, It's terrifying to me, too. I sense an addictive personality at
work here, an actor who can impersonate sweetness and gentleness and
kindness very capably in his desperation to get you into his life. This is a
huge issue, and you can't ignore it. Sorry. This romance doesn't seem like
a good idea at all, if you want my gut opinion, and if that seems cold and
rough, well, there is precedent for great suspicion. He just plain needs you
much too much. The combination of his history and his all-out campaign
to win you over sets off an alarm here. Forgiveness of a man's past does
not extend to going into partnership with him. Let this man put his past
further than 15 months behind him, and keep a little distance here. Be
cool. Don't be swept up by his intensity, which is only a function of his
need. A history of lying and scheming, which addiction involves, is hard
to break. I think you should turn on the lights and walk to the exit. Dear Mr. Blue, I've been married to a great woman for the last three years. She's smart,
funny, attractive and caring. I'm starting to wonder if I made a mistake
getting married, though. I love to flirt and enjoy the attention I get
from women. I frequently find myself wishing I were single and able
to pursue them. Now my wife has decided she wants a child, but I don't
want one. This desire to be single has been getting stronger over the
last six months and I'm afraid that we'll just end up divorced in a few
years. I don't want to be a divorced father. Should I ignore the call of
the wild, resign myself to being domesticated and give this woman a
child, or is my wandering eye an indication that I shouldn't
be married? Born Free Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear B.F., There is a dim adolescent quality about this letter that I find unsettling. Perhaps you missed a step in your developement, or maybe I hold an antiquated view of marriage, but a man married to a great woman doesn't moon around like this. Everyone enjoys flirting, everyone enjoys attention and every married person has days when he wishes he were single; but to throw away your marriage on account of some vague yearning is juvenile in the extreme. It's like quitting your job and moving to Italy because you saw an Italian movie once and the people all seemed so happy. This isn't the call of the wild, it's the whisper of the narcissistic: Why should I settle for the love of one woman when so many women seem drawn to me? If you're serious about this, ask your wife for a separation and go out and flirt to your heart's content. Do not "resign" yourself to marriage and fatherhood: Resignation is not the mood we're looking for here. Resign yourself to the fact that you're immature, and an immature person is capable of only limited pleasure. Dear Mr. Blue, Should I have a baby? I am 43, I have a 17-year-old girl and a 19-year-old boy. I divorced their father 14 years ago and went back to school and raised my kids. I did not date very much. Three years ago I met and fell head over heels in love with a 29-year-old man. We have been dating for three years, living together for one. He wants children, and I am thinking about having his child. My previous pregnancies were very easy for me and I am in very good health. He would be a wonderful stay-at-home dad. But I do worry about the possibility of having to raise another baby alone. I also worry about our age difference and becoming a mother again at this late stage. The clock is ticking. What do you advise? Torn Dear Torn, Don't worry too much about the age difference: Really, this becomes less important as time goes by. And a 43-year-old mother is likely to do better as a parent and enjoy it more than she did when she was 24. But having a baby is no casual matter and you're right to worry; and having had two kids already, you know what there is to worry about. You worry about evil, you worry about runaway school buses and pedophiles and lawn mowers hurling a pebble into your child's eye and canoes tipping over and planes crashing, you worry about bacterial meningitis, you worry about having your heart broken. The likelihood is that you'd have a lovely child and the young man would be a good dad, but a person can't only think about what's likely. The other likelihood is that, if you don't have the young man's child, he will be cast down and despondent. It's a good sign that a man wants to have children, don't you think? If you feel secure and happy with him, then it's probably a good idea, I'd say. Dear Mr. Blue, I don't seem to be good at unloving people once I have come to love them. My first husband left me five years ago for a younger woman. It was hard to watch him destroy our marriage, and it took me about a year to forgive him, but I was more sad than angry, and I still loved him -- even if I no longer wished to be married to him. We reconciled and have remained good friends. I'm still in close touch with his mother. Last year I remarried happily and started a new family. I feel my life is overflowing with blessings. But my new husband is having a hard time accepting my continued (occasional) contact by phone and e-mail with my ex-husband -- who also sends gifts on my birthday and holidays (guilty conscience, maybe?). I see my ex as absolutely no threat to my present marriage. He has no desire to get back with me; his tastes these days run to 25-year-olds and fast cars (he is in the midst of a truly banal midlife crisis). I simply would feel bad to sever such a long and close relationship. But my husband can't seem to see it that way, and has made it clear he would prefer if I ended all contact, although (nice guy that he is) he has refrained from delivering any ultimatums. I don't want to hurt him, but I wish he could see things differently. Am I deluding myself? Trying In Tennessee Dear Trying, Your second husband is trying to simplify matters and eliminate your past, the part he doesn't like, and that's understandable. Romance demands focus -- it's you and me, baby, and let's close out all the others -- and somehow your ex has drifted into your new husband's imagination and is stuck there and he's trying to coax him out. You don't need to cut off all contact with the ex, but surely it's no great problem to put him in a corner for a while: Tell him e-mail is fine, phone calls aren't fine and when he sends you presents, stick them in the closet. In order for No. 2 to accept No. 1, they have to meet and talk and get along with each other. Has that happened? If it hasn't, see if you can arrange it. But make sure that No. 1 is prepared to be gracious. That's his role, to befriend No. 2, and if he can't play it, then he can't be your friend either.
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