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I have a degree in English, work in Web site development, read voraciously, am happily
married and have a few precious, wonderful friends. I have lots of projects that I plan --
cross-stitch kits, a personal Web page, photo albums, scrapbooks -- and I start work on them
and get overwhelmed and never finish. The project looms large and I get intimidated and
quit. Also, I feel guilty about spending time on stuff that's just for me. But ironically, I don't
feel guilty about watching television or reading for hours. How do I get motivated? Push Me, Please Dear Push, It's only human to be ambitious and conceive large and noble projects that
languish for a while and then die a quiet death on the shelf. The landfills of America are full
of unfinished cross-stitch kits and scrapbooks. The country survives without them.
Civilization marches on. Don't punish yourself over this. There's a natural selection process
going on here, whereby you lay out what you believe you should be doing and then you do
what you really want to do. You're motivated just fine. Dear Mr. Blue, How do you maintain a sense of self in a marriage?
How do you spend years discovering who you are and
then agree to merge with another? How do you come to
depend on someone else, and trust them, when you know
life is known to throw curveballs, and who really
knows how things will turn out? I'm young, I'm forming
myself, I'm trying to listen, I'm trying to learn.
But why are so many "adults" unhappy? Why aren't
people taking care of themselves? If life is about
evolving and developing and learning, why do so
many people seem to be moving backward? How can we
know who or what to trust anymore? What is it that
people aren't listening to that leads them to ask,
"How did I wind up here??" I Don't Wanna Be Blue Dear I, Once one moves past the infantile gratification stage of life, one gradually learns to
accept a measure of pain and unhappiness as the price of progress and eventually one learns
that unhappiness is a fundamental part of life. Suffering is unavoidable. There can be no
human dignity without it. If one seeks to eliminate uncertainty and unhappiness from one's
life, then one must lead a very small life. I don't recommend marriage to anyone who can't
hit a curveball, but you need to be able to endure a lot of strikeouts without feeling ashamed
of yourself. In any marriage, in any theater of human endeavor, people regularly make dumb
mistakes, say dumb things, feel blue, feel they are moving backward, feel they can't trust
anybody, ask how they wound up in this predicament, and then they go to bed and wake up
and it's a new day. Dear Mr. Blue, About 18 months ago, I managed to fall in love online with a man in
Italy. (I live in the U.S.) A few months after we met, I found out that he is married. I was
hurt and furious. But we kept chatting online and in January, we spent 10 days together in
England and had a really wonderful time. He paid for everything; he's a doctor. We've
grown even closer since then and chat online nearly every day. He calls me two or three
times a week. He sent me some lovely jewelry for my birthday. We are planning to meet in
Italy for several days in March of next year. At one time, I was sure I could end the
relationship, or let it fade, but now I'm not. He puts a lot of
effort into the relationship, which surprises me. He says he no longer loves his wife, but he
feels obligated to stay with her for the time being. I don't spend money sending him gifts,
and I do have a life outside of our friendship. What do you see going on here that I can't
see? I've been over this a million times in my head and simply can't put the pieces
together. Dreaming Dear Dreaming, You're having an e-affair with an Italian, is what's happening. This seems
to work out pretty well for you so far. You have the pleasure of his company and
conversation online, and once in a while you win a free trip and some jewelry. You don't say
that you're wracked with guilt or feeling anxious about the future or about what people might
think, so I'm not exactly sure what you're asking me. What's going on is that he's fascinated
with you and you with him, and distance facilitates this, and probably you will have a
wonderful trip in March. If you want me to give you a sermon, click on the podium icon. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm in a low-end job in an industry in which I've worked for the past eight years, and now
this type of work is starting to feel very unfulfilling. And my current supervisor is proving to
be a tad unstable. (He got into a 10-minute tirade with a co-worker over desk chairs!) I've
started writing a resignation letter. However, I feel that another job search right away would just be going through the same
motions. I've started keeping a journal and have rediscovered a talent for creative writing
that I've tried to suppress in the past in the name of "maturity." I have a comfortable amount
of savings from previous work, so a year without a steady paycheck while I pursue my
writing (among other interests) is feasible. But I don't want to be labeled lazy or
irresponsible by my family. (I know I'd never hear the end of it.) And if I go back to a
9-to-5, how do I account for that year on my résumé? I've spent a lot of time crying and
losing sleep over this situation. Is there any hope? Lost Boy Dear L.B., Of course there's hope. You're only talking about taking a sabbatical, which,
according to Scripture, you're overdue for, and which you've frugally saved up for. Don't assume
your family's opposition to the idea of your taking some time for yourself. Just do it. Don't
try to tolerate the fatigue and dissatisfaction you feel. Time to break out of the rut and set a
good example for your nieces and nephews. A year of strolling about Creation and consulting
your soul and writing about what you see is a noble enterprise in the grand old American
tradition of adventure. These are puritanical times indeed if a man in your situation must
anguish over the exercise of a little freedom. Don't be a drudge. Take a walk. And if you
need to account for it on your résumé, say you were working on a book. A book about a
man taking a year off. Dear Mr. Blue, I have a close friend who is gorgeous, intelligent, witty and
one of the few people I really admire. For the past few years we
have lived in different countries and have only seen each other
occasionally. She is now coming back to this country, and I expect we'll see a lot more of
each other. I think she is attracted to me and would like our relationship to move to a
deeper level. I've been very bad at relationships in the past, have handled them badly and
ended them badly, rejecting people because I'm afraid of intimacy and of revealing too much
about myself. I'm scared that if we do start a sexual relationship, it will
turn out badly and I'll end up losing my best friend. Should I stick with the wonderful
friendship -- or take the plunge? In a Spin Dear Spin, You're reading ahead. Stay on the page. She's not back yet. When she returns,
throw a party, take her to dinner, welcome her back and enjoy her company. Obviously
she's a terrific person and you have a lot of catching up to do. If she wrote you a letter in
which she intimated her attraction to you, forget about that. Be a friend. Don't plunge into
anything. Take your time. I don't buy the pat line about being "afraid of intimacy," but never
mind. Enjoy the friendship. And stop trying to read ahead.
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